Brownie’s Leaving Match

What a week it’s been with Iraq imploding (again), Luis Suarez getting kicked out for the World Cup for ‘tripping’ his teeth into an Italian’s shoulder and Stephen Brown’s Leaving Match – hastily resurrected at Dubai College.

I thought I would start this with a small excerpt of yesteryear that I found in the closet – this was a report written following another Leaving Match for one Mr. Brad Wissinck back in 2008. This too was the hottest cricket match that year – and to-date remains (and I hope it stays that way) the warmest match I’ve ever played.

A little excerpt of Cricket in Dubai over the Summer

Our team Darjeeling CC organized a cricket game on Saturday to see off one of the clubs favourite members – who, paradoxically is an Australian.  During the summer in Dubai, it’s only really possible to play early in the morning – because of the obvious high temperatures – but with common sense deserting us we opted for a 2:00pm start thinking that the schedule would tie in nicely for a 6:00pm start at the pub and 7:00pm kick-off of the S.Africa v All Blacks game.  I should add that we no longer have our own ground and (air conditioned) clubhouse since a Dubai Holding company decided to build a mega development/city on it (the project is of course, now on hold).  Therefore, we have to play at Zabeel Park with all the other oiks.

We did however, in the past used to play through the summer – so what could a wee 20 over match do to us?  Two overs into the game, though hot – we thought this no worse than past games on our desert pitch from yesteryear. ……….. However, temperatures in excess of 110⁰f (plus 80% humidity) have a habit of catching up on you – especially when you have to bowl a couple of overs.  On returning to my fielding position at extra cover after my first over (only one wide) my body temperature felt like it had risen five degrees – after the second (no wides and one wicket) a further three – the worry was that it didn’t come back down again – but merely hovered around the “severe fever” zone.

The batsmen were certainly no worse off – the first over saw the openers taking a two – this folly was repeated only once or twice in the entire match.  Singles were walked; sweat poured, heads hung low in the field and the only focus appeared to be on self-preservation.  After 10 overs we had a drinks break and this is when it became obvious that water was running low.  With it being a Friday and the middle of summer, the park staff clearly believed no one would be mad enough to come until the evening (yet alone play cricket!) and no shop was open. The epitome of the game came in the 12th over when one of our batsmen, Chris  – who was on mid 20’s (and in his mid 40’s)with only two boundaries (…..ouch) drove a half volley to point and walked a single he could have clearly made – the ball was gently lobbed toward  the keepers gloves and Chris noticeably slowed down – for a second it looked like the keeper was going to tease him and fumble the ball – but soon after he tipped the bails off thus putting Chris out of his misery – whereas he promptly walked off, soaked himself in water and sat under the tree ensuring the emergency services were on speed dial.

Come the fifteenth over, our skipper for the day, Gary – a portly beverage drinking northerner in his late 40’s – summoned up the last of his strength to sound normal and spoke to the opposing captain.  With sweat pouring down his neck he suggested that (for the benefit of the rest of the team of course!) that we reduce the match to a sixteen overs as he feared for the health of the fielders and batsmen alike.  Therein, he took the ball, bowled the last over and retreated to the shade.

I’m glad to say we won the game – and though fielding first did subject us to the worst heat of the day we enjoy a pleasant bout of schadenfreude witnessing the (losing) fielding side struggle as we sat under the tree with fresh supplies of water.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen…….

Though, not quite as brutal Friday twas most certainly was a stinker – similar to Brad’s leaving do but perhaps without quite so much sp*nk in the mercury…..or has someone else mentioned, like Chiang Mai but with the oven on. Owing to the good work of Mr. Nathan Cartwright we were playing at our latest venue Dubai College and the occasion; to provide a suitable adieu to one of our most colourful characters (residing from the not so colourful Yorkshire) who is leaving us for longer summers and shorter, wetter, colder winters on Monday. Brownie has provided us all with much mirth, anecdotes, changing room antics and even musical entertainment……….a colourblind one-man Panto who can more than bat a bit….

We all drifted in between 1:30 and 2:00pm. With no facilities apparent, phone calls were made and a Goan caretaker (with a Portuguese name I’m sure Christiano Ronaldo would struggle with) was located and subsequently invited us to any supplies that we may need. Paul, Wardy & I followed Conceição (see, I told you….try saying that when you’re hot & sober!) to the store cupboard. Chris Ward reflecting with nostalgia on how he loved the smell of sports equipment supply rooms – with flashbacks from the “locker room” scene in Porkies we found the gear needed and made a hasty retreat.

Naturally, Mr. Stephen Brown was skipper for his last match, his one request being that he could select his side. Coined as “Brownie’s Mates” in the pre-match emails, better alternatives were soon sought. We finally settled on AT’s suggestion and the team is in the book as “The Brown Stars”. Chris’s Taverners were unsurprisingly skippered by Chris, though Ashish Banerjee appeared as the on-field Captain ………….more about that later.

Once stumps had been appropriated and boundary markers placed a headcount was taken. Remarkably, all were present bar Dannie Rees (suffering from squitty-poos) and the Hass – merely saving himself for a grand entrance – who was to join us a few minutes later.

The toss was won or negotiated, I don’t know and because of the heat no one seemed to notice or…….well….give a toss.

George Appleton came down with Orn and Theresa too braved the stifling weather to watch another eagerly-anticipated Interclub Match. Kieran from the school came down, which was nice and he is clearly an enthusiast of the game. We chatted for a while, though with sweat dripping off statuesque spectators he soon found some work that needed doing inside and bid us well.

So with the sides settled Johno and a vomit-free Gully – who’d somehow negotiated to open (and clearly does a good job of lobbying his batting position in the pub) – strode out open at around 2:15pm.

Gully struck a couple of shots but generally did much to dispel the rumours that he played Grade A cricket in Australia. He fell in the second over off the bowling of Hassan. The fielding side rotated the bowling at will – so much so in fact that by the end of the seventh over, seven bowlers had been used. Johno continued to knock the ball around – however, runs were hard to come by and come drinks (10^th over) the score had not reached 50.

There was some confusion in the ranks as to whether this was a 25 over fixture as advertised or a twenty over game as the weather was urging. This [confusion] reached a crescendo soon after drinks when the umpire pointed out he believed we were playing a 25 over match. Therein saw a most uncharacteristic outburst from our club-captain, Mr. Chris (Dummy?) Dommett, who vociferously claimed that he’d never agreed to this as Captain. Julius (Umpiring) replied pensively that he thought Ash was the Captain and was retorted with a “do-you-know-who-I-am” reply (sort of). Julius was somewhat perplexed and with heads turning to and fro there fell upon a brief silence. A silence th
at would have been perfectly perforated by the botty-injured Dannie Rees’s falsetto of “……Awkward…..!” And so play resumed.

Now faced with just five overs left – Johno retired on 44 (– a sterling effort the conditions……….and his general level of fitness) following Stephen Brown’s dismissal to bring on the exiled Jim Grisdale and Paul Sackley to the crease.

Overall, it was a sparkless innings with less than 10 boundaries and the weather robbing the usual vim we’ve come to expect in these matches.

Innings highlights included:

Stephen Brown going arse-over-tit at the batting crease
Chris Ward going for 16 off an over
Hassan – on removing Stephen Brown just after he’d been hoiked over long on for one of the few sixes of the day – responded with a trademark fist-pump and Neanderthal grunt. Brownie was naturally, displeased – however, the ball was a good one; nipping in off a length (I know all this as we were all camped right behind the bowlers arm – cricketing etiquette abandoned to claim the minimal area of shade)
Dommett’s minor tantrum which must surely be shortlisted for the Teddy award come Christmas

The Brown Stars made 129. An unimpressive total, but one that looked easily defendable considering the conditions.

Paul and the in-form Brandon made there may to the crease for the start of the Taverners’ innings with Gris & I opening the bowling. Brandon hit a beautiful six off the first over (one of only three that day) and then worryingly ducked a couple of Gris’s bouncers on a track that had been keeping low all day.

Cue Julius and two tremendous overs of line and length bowling that saw four wickets tumbling for the loss of just six runs including a triple wicket maiden that took what little breeze there was out of the sails of the Taverners. Paul, Brandon, Rohan & Chris D all fell victim to Julius’s opening spell. It’s a curious thing getting out in an all Darjeeling Match and though I escaped the pleasure this time, I recall that there is no dignified way to be removed in an interclub game. Most of us walk off with stupid devil-may-care-grin trying to conceal the humiliation of the moment (especially, if you have been dismissed – as I have twice – by one Stuart Matthewson). I say this, however, Gregory Moses managed to break the norm by walking (his chin higher than a beamer) before been given out after nicking one behind off the bowling of Paul. Still, some work to do to regain the moral high ground post-Chiang Mai my friend…

With the Taverners ailing on 46 for six – humiliation was abated by a decent stand between Israr and Ash Banerjee. Israr looking his usual settled self and Ash offering stubborn resistance interspersed with some decent cricket shots and kamikaze running between the wickets.

Their partnership ended in spectacular fashion after Israr’s cover drive was pocketed one-handed by Brownie diving full stretch to his right. He celebrated in a modest and dignified manner by reeling off a circumnavigation of the square reminiscent of an FA Cup winning goal-scorer. Twas a great catch and Israr left the field shaking his head complete with dumb-interclub-grin.

A couple of low-scoring overs later, the heat still relentless and the game was fizzling down to the inevitable with all Eleven fielders now realizing that Chris had actually had a good point when he stood fast to his Twenty Overs ideals. Ash retired knackered as top-scorer (25) for the Taverners and Chris Ward made a few.

Other highlights were few and far between. Gris took a funny tumble as did Julius (by the way, sorry if that fall hurt Jules – as I noticed no one came to over a hand – think it was too hot). In the flavor of the world cup Julius actually stayed down for a couple of deliveries…… but no referees blew their whistle nor did physios run on the pitch. The Hass was bowled second ball after Brownie’s first-ball-bouncer took him by surprise. After twenty overs with the score still in two figures we all left the pitch and discussed post-match drinks.

Overall, it was a humidly-induced lackluster affair – and whilst most agreed that the ground has potential and the location aint-‘alf-‘andy there was a general concord that there is work to do on the pitch and that the outfield currently has a scoring-rate lower than Johno’s in Mahikis.

Dubai College

Farewell to Simon Fowler

Darjeeling CC v ABB – words by G Turner

It was a scorching hot day down at the SES stadium as the stalwart players of Darjeeling met for what was a bitter sweet occasion given the sad loss of our team mate and friend , Simon Fowler the previous weekend.

It was decided that Darjeeling rule no 1 would not be used and a fair toss was made with the incorrect call from the ABB skipper Aman and I immediately informed him we would bat and the match would be of the T20 format.

A few words of respect and a quiet moment for our own thoughts before the opening pair of Jonno and Pete Shenk (manager of the Crowne Plaza SZR , Discounts available upon request!) strode purposefully to the crease. A contrasting start, with Jonno finding the middle of the bat immediately whilst Peter struggled with the swing and bounce that the” Karama” special ball we had given them was producing. After scoring just 2 runs Peter missed a swinging full toss and was out LBW. In trotted our” steady eddy” number 3 , Andrew Laing who from the outset knew the wisest thing was to give Jonno the strike and thus our innings started to accelerate with Jonno playing some delightful pulls, cuts and straight drives and as the temperature in Sharjah climbed to 46 degrees the ABB team wilted in the sun.

Drinks where taken when the” Karama” special shed its skin after only 9 overs and we were well placed at about 80 for 1.

After drinks and so dominant where we that our score prediction rose alongside the Mercury and of course that alerted the great Cricketing god to become involved! Andrew played a very un Laing like shot and was out for a patient 14 out of a partnership with Jonno of 107 , then Jonno himself aimed a long hop at a fielder at fine leg and all at the ground were amazed when the chap actually caught the ball!! Jonno gone for a well-played 84 . Poignantly , Jonno confirmed that throughout his innings he was repeating the mantra of his coach in his early days at Darjeeling , Simon Fowler , “play straight , every ball play straight”. I think Simon would have been very proud of Jonno,s innings.

Nick scampered as he always does for a quick fire 14 , AT did not waste any balls with his 5 off 3 balls and David also kept the scoreboard ticking over for his 14 not out. Gully had to face 2 balls at the end and his bat remained untouched as he was bowled neck and crop off the last ball for a duck! No doubt the great Cricketing gods justice was served on him for being late!!!

So with Nick needing to leave early to attend a posh “DO” at the BurJ Al Arab , he was given the chance to rattle through his overs quickly from the water tank end with Gully appearing from his favored University end. Nick struck in his first over with the extra bounce of the new proper UK made cherry hitting the batters gloves and looping kindly to the ever agile Gibby behind the stumps. Gully should have had a wicket himself but Nick downed a very quick chance at first slip. Nick bowled a nice line and length finishing with 1 for 15 off his 4. Gully had a rest and a chunder after his opening spell of 3 overs and then David and son Rohan where given the chance to make it the Mariadson family show and they did not disappoint!! David managed to get the ball to bend and swerve and completely bamboozled the batsmen who never really knew where the ball would end up. He struck twice in his first over and with Rohan effectively tying up the other end it really was a Family Affair. Rohan finished with 4 -0-26 but bowled so much better in applying the squeeze. David finished with 4-3-33 and 17 of them came from one over . So the rate had climbed to over 12 an over when Ash and myself where tasked with the last 4 overs of the day.

The skipper of ABB , Aman was now on 51 when he decided to charge down the wicket to my first ball , result 1 wide and 1 stumping! Au Revoir Aman ! Another wicket later in the over with Rohan taking a fine catch in the deep and the game was surely ours. Ash bowled the penultimate over tightly to finish with 2-0-19 and when Rohan took another fine catch the game was ours and I finished with the flattering figures of 2-3-9.

So DCC won by 28 runs against a team that had beaten us recently at the ICC.

A few ambers and pales , including a couple of chilled Spitfires as Ash read the book and then a few of us retired to the Polo Club to further raise our glasses to absent friends.

DCC vs Loose Cannons – G Turner Esq

A surprising start to this grudge match against arguably our biggest cricketing rivals in the current Era , Loose Cannons. 11 Darjeeling players turn up on time and not a hangover to be seen. Of course Gulli played the day before so that may have had something to do with it!

Skipper Ash disappeared with their skipper Bradders and duly won the toss and of course Darjeeling elected to bat first in a match designated as 25 overs per side.

Ash instructed Brandon and Tom to open followed by our resident chirpy person Danny in at 3. A few photographs of the intrepid opening pair were taken [to follow] and off they strode into the glorious sunshine. About this time a stranger came amongst us and enquired if Brandon was out in the middle as he had been hearing great things about his recent batting performances. We confirmed that he was indeed out there and joked that he had probably evoked the great cricketing gods to smite Brandon down!

The Cannons had to start without their regular openers as they had arrived late so a large bearded chap with a famous cricketing name , Gower , was asked to bowl the first over. He duly trotted in and Brandon was hit by the cricketing gods bolt of lightning and he was bowled neck and crop for a super golden duck! His mate chuckled as Brandon swore and cussed his way off the field to be replaced by Danny. Not the start skipper Ash had envisaged!

Danny patiently played out the rest of the over which included more than a few wide’s but it seemed that the normally placid ICC pitch had developed demons and the ball was moving via the seam as well as rearing off just short of a length. Batting was extremely hard work and the old sages of DCC where predicting that 180 would be a good score on “this” sort of track. So much for being an old sage!

Tom finally connected with a few deliveries and had just hit a glorious 6 when Gower nipped one back a shade and it was au revoir to Boinville for 12.

Chris the dominator was promoted in order to “steady” the good ship Darjeeling, as skipper Ash tried to second and third guess how events would unfold. Even at this stage he was planning his opening bowling attack! Now that is forward thinking !

Chris certainly steadied the ship and was extremely patient whilst at the other end Danny slowly started to find his touch and timing. Chris was bowled for 7 by a ball that shot along the floor and he queried on his return to the sidelines just how much DCC had paid for such a cow patch of a track!! It did not look good for Darjeeling and that 180 seemed a long way away.

What happened next? Did the pitch suddenly put the demons away? Did the ball get soft or was the quality of the support bowlers merely not up to much? I prefer to say that through patience and application Danny and Israr built their respective innings in a way we always have to do on pitches found particularly in the UK. At this stage respect was shown to the good ball whilst the over pitched or short delivery was dispatched to the boundary with panache and grace and often with pure brute force!

Experienced bowlers like Moxey and Bradstock where simply hammered off the park and only Sameer with 0 for 23 off his 5 overs came off the pitch without having received a beasting! Danny batted beautifully for his 73 before being superbly caught out to give Gower his third wicket of the innings. Andrew Tavare strode in with the clear intent of giving Israr the strike and how beautifully it worked. Israr simply demolished whichever bowler was asked to do battle with him and he raced to his 100 before skying a catch that was well held by that man Gower.

So instead of the disastrous score predicted by the sages we finished with 239 for 6 off our 25 overs. If any sub continental chap had had a wager on that score after ten overs surely he would have lost his shirt??

Ash gave the boys a pep talk on the pitch, reminding every man jack of us that we had to do the basics well and that if we did surely we would win. Sounds easy I guess but……..

Opening with Etienne and Julius it started well with again a bit of extra bounce and the odd ball moving off the seam DCC had a tremendous spirit in the field and Cameron Coles batting against his former club found the going particularly tough. It was his partner Taylor who fell first , admirably walking having gloved a cracking Julius delivery to the safe hands of the Dominator having scored 23. Richard Bradstock entered the fray and in his usual fashion started to dominate the bowlers and with Coles built a fast scoring partnership before Coles fell to Israr for 26.

Gower strode to the crease looking for all the world like he was a farmer in a Thomas Hardy novel and sure enough swung the bat with great gusto. For the first time DCC where a little rattled as skipper Ash rotated his bowlers seeking a breakthrough. Although the bowling at this point was generally tight , with Jamie having 2 overs for 24 , Ash bowling his first 2 overs for 16 the scoreboard continued to click around even though DCC felt in charge of the match . When the next wicket fell it was an unlikely scenario of Bradders pushing to mid-on and seeing it was me fielding there set off for the single. Little did he know that years of playing darts on a Manchester board meant I was able to hit double top from 3 yards and Bradders was a goner! Drinks where taken and DCC at this stage looked favorites to end the recent run of defeats to Cannons.

Dannie replaced Ash and I replaced Israr who finished with a creditable 1 for 40 off his 5 overs. Dannie bowled his first over for only 6 runs and when Israr took a great catch off my bowling to snare Gower in an over that only went for 4 runs it was smiles all round for DCC.

That is of course when the cricketing gods reappeared and decided to change the whole course of the game! Danny went for 15 in his next over and even worse Sameer took 22 off my next over and the momentum suddenly was with the cannons.

Ash desperately tried to re organize the troops when Tom had to retire with a hamstring injury but Sameer was in irrepressible form smashing various bowlers to all corners of the ground and in particular straight and high and hard!!

The fact that the match went to the 4 th. ball of the last over suggests that WE did fight until the very end and that generally the bowling was controlled and straight. The fielding was generally good and the spirit remained high throughout. However when a guy is batting like Sameer was , supported admirably by Anderson , sometimes , just sometimes , you have to admire what the opposition has done rather that beat yourself up over what we might have done differently.

tienne and Julius both strove at the end to keep Sameer under control, but he kept smashing the ball skywards and unfortunately never once close to hand!

So did we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory ? Did we collectively let skipper Ash down when the going got tough? In my view the answer is a definitive NO. Simply one man took the game away from us in the same way Isrars innings ensured we were in the match in the first place.

Ash skippered the side well and he was supported by all the lads and especially Chris behind the sticks.

For me one of the best games I have played in at the ICC since we started playing there , played in a great spirit with both sides fully committed to paying hard but fair.

As for the track? It looked a dog but 480 runs in 50 overs suggests that in spite of having played cricket for over 40 years this Sage knows Jack!!!

Roll on bowling at SES I say!!,

Friday 16th May – words by Andrew "Tavare" Laing

In the second millennium, the world changed. Climate, nations, the ICC, all were in upheaval. The Earth transformed into a poisonous, scorched desert, known as “The Cursed Earth”. Millions of people crowded into a few Megacities, where roving bands of IPL cricketers and Internet Bookies created chaos the ICC could not control. Cricket Law, as we know it, collapsed. From the decay rose a new order, a society ruled by a new, elite force. A force with the power to dispense both justice and punishment. They were the police, jury and executioner all in one. They were the Judges of Darjeeling.
Greetings, puny Earthlets!
Yes, it is I, Tharg the Magnificent, who has returned to your solar system to grace you with more tales of the Judges of Darjeeling. The Scorer Droids were particularly busy this weekend recording the spectacular displays of the Judges of Darjeeling and I give fair warning that what you are about to read will strike fear into the hearts of bowlers everywhere.
Engage your circuits and prepare for sensory overload… And so it came to pass that the Judges of Darjeeling travelled to the dry, barren wastes of Sharjah English School to lay down the law against the Sixers. As per usual, some of the Judges arrived slightly worse for the wear, Judges Gully, Joey and Brownie having just come off their night shift at Rock Bottom and assorted other trouble spots. There was a serious lack of interest in assuming the role of Chief Judge for the game and somehow, I, Tharg the Mighty, was elected Chief Judge. After surveying the team list and soundly cursing the Selector Droids for picking a team with 9 bowlers and 2 batsman, I wandered across to converse with the Captain of the Sixers. After unsuccessfully trying to invoke Darjeeling Rule 1 (Darjeeling shall Bat First), I resorted to having to just win the coin toss (with a few Betelguesen Mind Tricks being very helpful here) and Darjeeling batted first anyway. Darjeeling Rule 2 (Judges Brownie and Houghton shall open the batting) was invoked with just one small change as Judge Houghton was still on injury leave after his hand was hurt in an assault by a Lebo Street Gang during a recent Block Riot.
Judges Brownie and Blikkies (both recent centurions for Darjeeling) opened the batting with the stern words of Tharg ringing in their ears “Make sure you stick around, we do not have a deep batting order today”. Little did I know what I had started…
Judge Brownie started confidently, hitting boundaries seemingly at will while at the other end Judge Blikkies looked distinctly out of sorts. Eventually Judge Blikkies fell in the line of duty, bowled for 9 (1 x 4) after a 60 run partnership for the 1st Wicket. Judge Brownie meanwhile kept normal services running, bashing boundaries all over the place. This bought Judge Dominator to the wicket who also seemed to be playing on a different pitch to Judge Brownie. Dominator was soon out, Caught for 5 for a 30 run partnership for the 2nd wicket. And Judge Brownie kept rolling on, banging boundaries like he was downing Bull Frogs at Rock Bottom. Judge Gully was in next (yes, he was batting at number 4 – the tail started early that day!). After messing around with some singles, Judge Gully belted a 4 and a 6. He was then immediately bowled through the gate (a Reigellian battle cruiser would have fitted through that gap!) for 14 runs (1 x 4 and 1 x 6) out of a partnership of 51. And yes, Judge Brownie was still going like a Boeing, smashing it all over the park. This bought Judge Julius to the crease where once again, the pitch just seemed to be that much more difficult if your name was not Judge Brownie. Judge Julius hung around in a Tavare-esque fashion for 11 runs Not Out (1 x 4), while (no surprises here!) Judge Brownie kept beating the opposition bowlers like they were red-haired step-children. The Sixers ended up using 9 bowlers with only Sajad being able to stop the flow (2 for 24 off 5 overs), the rest of them were just thrashed around the park.
Judge Brownie ended on a massive 144 Not Out (5 x 6’s, 18 x 4’s = 102 runs in boundaries alone!) – a spectacular performance and one any sane cricketer would happily have paid money to watch. Well done Judge Brownie!!! Your name shall be recorded in the annals of Darjeeling History (now if you would please do something about those holey underpants, we would all feel a lot safer!). Special mention must be made of the second highest scorer in the innings: Extras with 20! Darjeeling closed the innings on 206 for 3 wickers after 22 overs. A worthy score and Tharg was left with a lovely case of pad rash having been due to come in at Number 6. And now to the bowling. With no less than 9 bowlers available (although Judge Brownie seemed particularly fatigued after his efforts so did not bowl – perhaps he was missing his Bullfrogs), Tharg was spoilt for choice and decided to open with Judges Gully and Blikkies. Judge Gully bowled 4 very respectable overs on the trot and even got a wicket (LBW!!!). He then proclaimed that he would like to finish off his spell of 5 overs without a break saying “I am like the Titanic. Once I get going I am hard to stop”. Here, dear readers, Tharg made his first mistake. And so Gully was given a 5th over which was duly dispatched for 13 runs. And so Tharg’s 1st Law for Captains has been set: If in doubt, don’t listen to your bowlers!!!.
Judge Blikkies bowled with consistent aggression for his three overs and took two wickets, the key one being the tubby Sixers opening batsman who had started to look dangerous, dispatching 4’s around the park. Thereafter the scorebook is a great mess as the Sixers Scorer Droids had clearly given up the fight. The Sixers never really looked capable of keeping up with the target and quickly fell behind the required run rate. Judges Julius, Rohan and Dave M (1 wicket) all bowled three overs each while Judges Rory and Ross (1 wicket) bowled 2 overs each. Judge Brownie was not to be outdone in the field and contributed to a good run out while Judge Dominator kept well and got a stumping. Judge Joey (imagine a recently shaved Chewbacca coming off a long run up and you will not be far off) also got one over at the close and got his maiden wicket for Darjeeling in his very first appearance. Sixers ending on 153 for 7 off 22 overs giving Darjeeling the win by 53 runs. I would like to say that we all went for drinks afterwards but Judges Gully, Joey and Brownie all went for a “tactical nap” that turned into a permanent one and so the planned party felt flat…

Darjeeling CC vs NYUAD, Emirates Palace, 18 April 2014 – words by G Moses

Friday saw DCC take on Abu Dhabi’s New York University cricket team at the picturesque Emirates Palace ground in the nation’s capital. A seven O’ Clock bus was arranged for Tom De Boinville, with everyone else making their own way there. One can only imagine that as he arrived at the palatial grounds first and alone, his thoughts must have flitted over an impromptu fox hunt.

The rest of the fellows arrived and the match began with DCC batting first, with Gazz Turner skippering.

Due to situations beyond my control, I was running late and approaching Abu Dhabi at 139km/h, changing into my whites on the way. My phone rang with car veering towards the hard shoulder and left shoelaces almost tied, and it was Gary, saying, ‘Don’t worry, all is well, 40 for none after 6’. Ah well, happy days then.

There was no golf cart on standby so I legged it over from the car park to the ground to find that things had changed.

’40 for none after 6’ had become ‘Oh fuck, here we go’.

Dannie was out (27), Tom was out (11).

Within minutes of me arriving, Andy Bowers was out and Bruno Bruney was in, much to the excitement of Gary’s boner. I’ve never seen a man so overjoyed for one of his mates to get a bat. I shudder at the thought of the cuckolding shenanigans that go on chez Turner while the Bruneys are visiting….

To cut a medium-length story short, we ended on a sub-par 140-odd after 20, with Rory ending on an unbeaten 13. The lowlight of the innings a suicidal second run by .Brown after he’d been looking pretty handy. Probably cost us the game, Jason.

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Our bowling effort began poorly with me being despatched to all parts. Thankfully .Brown bowled tightly, realising he had to make amends for his poor running, returning figures of 4-1-21-2, including a maiden wicket in his first.

The scorecards in my possession suggest only one other wicket, a run out (by none other than .Brown), but I’m sure there was a caught behind by Danny (I forget the bowler, sorry. Gary?).

Amidst his advisor-to-the-umpire responsibilities, Saeed batted well and took the game away with an unbeaten 60-odd. If we had snaffled either of the two chances he gave us in the field, both off Ross’ bowling, the outcome could have been different, but it was not to be. It was one of those days, summed up for me by my bowling the last ball of my last over to the bunny – slow ball to give him the single and keep him on strike creamed over cow for 6.

Apart from Jason, all other bowlers’ returns were pretty average. Our score was reached with relative ease in about the 17th over.

Thanks to Etienne for bringing beverages, and the drive home felt like a 7-hour journey for me.

I believe the question still burning in everyone’s mind is, what the f&ck happened to Milo?

THARG THE MIGHTY ONE SPEAKS – 22 March 2014 – words by Andrew "Tavare" Laing

Galactic Greetings Earthlets! From the heart of the Galaxy it is I, Tharg the Mighty, who has travelled many light years to bring you this week’s match report. Engage your circuits and prepare for sensory overload…

In Megacity One surrounded by the barren wastelands of the Accursed Land we were visited by the crew of the H.M.S. Somerset from the Royal Navy of Megacity Two on a tour of our polluted waters. These galactic sailors had the temerity to challenge the local lawmakers of this Ville, the Darjeeling chapter of the Judges (enforcers of the cricketing law in a lawless place).

Led by Chief Judge Turner, the Darjeeling Judges were well prepared for the day. According to the scorer droids this meant most had hangovers the size of a Rigellian Pachyderm and the vile moods to match. The Darjeeling innings started with Thrillpower at maximum setting with Judges Rees and De Boinville taking a harsh toll on the sailors who clearly regretted their decision to allow Chief Judge Turner to invoke Darjeeling Rule 1 (Darjeeling shall bat first). But as all citizens of Megacity One know, a Judge’s word is THE LAW and the sailors had no choice but to comply or face a lengthy sentence as Judge Brown’s personal underwear fitter & repairer (a fate no sane citizen would wish to endure). The ball flew to all parts of the ground and Judge de Bonneville retired first on a blistering 51 (8 x 4’s and 1 x 6). Judge Rees retired soon after with an equally enterprising 52 (7 x 4 and 1 x 6) and the score was 111 after but 7 overs! Our latest Judge to join the squad, Judge Blikkies come in at Number 3 and played respectably until shown the way to the change room, given out LBW for 6 (with 1 x 4). The bowler was nearly as surprised at the decision as Judge Blikkies. Not for nothing do they call me Tharg the Trigger Finger…

Judges Brown and Houghton coming in at 4 and 5 were distraught that Darjeeling Rule 2 (Judges Brown and Houghton shall open the batting) was not invoked and proceeding to nurdle around in a Tavare-esque style compiling 12 (2 x 4’s) and 19 (2 x 4’s) respectively. Judge Weir then came in and hit a well timed 26 Not out (3 x 4’s and a wholly run 5!) and Judge Neal (the Silent Assassin) added 6 Not Out (1 x 4). Fortunately the H.M.S. Somerset bowlers were contributing to the scoreboard even faster than our Judges best efforts and by the end of the game Extras was highest score on 69 and the total was 241 after 20 overs.

The H.M.S. Somerset innings had a slow start and a rather bizarre run out put a smile on even the toughest Judge’s dial (Judge Houghton lurking at short fine leg had decided to only throw with his left arm to make things more interesting). Judge Gully decided to lighten things up even more by bowling a few full tosses which were duly dispatched for four before bowling the other opener. Judge Gully ended with figures of 4 overs (1 Maiden) 1 for 25. The other opening bowler was Judge Brown who bowled two tight overs taking 0 for 4. It would seem that it was not only the H.M.S. Somerset bowlers but also their scorer droids who had their circuits fried by the heat of Megacity One. Judge Brown was recorded for posterity in the score tech log as “Wanker!!”. This unwise act of imprudence has been recorded in Judge Brown’s personal tech log and the scorer droids home locations have been duly noted for when the next Betelgeussian Invasion Armada reaches this lowly planet.

Then Chief Judge Turner had a sudden attack of brain freeze (probably due to injuries suffered in the 2013 Battle of Sharjah) and threw the ball to Judge de Boinville who gave a spectacular display of pure bowling drekk – 0 for 39 off a very painful two overs (but they felt a lot longer)! Truly we had not seen this much pure filth since Judge Houghton and Brown’s recounting of their previous night’s encounter with the mutant womenfolk of Barnasti and Rock Bottom. This gave a kick start to the H.M.S. Somerset numbers 3 and 4 who both made well played 40’s. Judge Neal (1 for 17 off 2 overs), Judge Houghton (0 for 18 off 2 overs), Judge Blikkies (0 for 10 off 2 overs) and Judge Weir (0 for 16 off 2 overs) all played their part in recovering from the de Boinville implosion.

Chief Judge Turner in desperation finally bought himself on. He bowled with a mixture of guile and sneakiness and apart from fluffing the easiest Caught and Bowled chance this Millennium, did an admirable job taking 4 wickets for 22 runs off 4 overs. Fortunately our camera droid was on hand to capture Chief Judge Turner’s expression when he dropped his catch…

After that the power of the Judges was just too much and the sailors ended up on 159 for 7 off their 20 overs. A win for the Darjeeling Judges of 82 runs.

The sailors introduced us to their strange Megacity Two customs which included the awarding of a Dick of the Match. They gave their Dick of the Match to their opening batsman who was ingloriously run out for zero and who had also decided to wear a thigh guard as a stomach protector. Darjeeling had a long, deliberate voting process and Judge Rees was adjudged the Darjeeling Dick of the Match. And so it came to pass that a challenge was held as to who was the Dick of the Galaxy. A Rigellian Hotshot down-down race was held, which Judge Rees won in spectacular fashion (not a bad performance for an Earthlet) and the sailors were suitably humiliated again by the power of the Judges.

After seeing the sailors safely off to their transporter, the Judges retired to the Arabian Ranches Golf Club for further imbibing of Rigellian Hotshots and a discussion on the relative merits of using the Lawgiver pistol or the CA Plus 8000 bat from AJ Sports as crowd control tools for Sharjah games.

Farewell until next week (when the rematch takes place in Sharjah), or as we aliens say, Splundig vur Thrigg!

THARG THE MIGHTY

Friday 7th March vs Sri Lankan Dubai CC‏ – words by Liam Joyce

The afternoon started off with a strange sensation, with me reaching Sharjah, on time, and on my own accord and without the scenic tour of the local attractions. The opposition were on time and wearing whites another strange sensation from the last couple of weeks. Soon after this normality was resumed as Ash sweet talked their captain out of a toss, invoking the Darjeeling “we bat first rule”. I make it sound easy but at one point a coin even came out, driving Ash into the sympathetic “we always bat first, and don’t worry we are just here to enjoy ourselves and if we hit it we will walk”. And it wasn’t too soon till our first batsman walked/hobbled/fancied a savannah. It was a dubious pre game “hamstring injury” but I suppose without jDOTbrown any where to be seen we needed someone’s injury to talk about. So Andrew walked for 7. Israr was next to come in, and within minutes had ummed and arred a little too long over an “easy three” and ran himself out for 3. The last time he was in a similar situation he was “umming and arring” over a solid 6 and Badgers housemate jumped in and stole the glory at the annual dinner – Malcolm Gladwells Blink is on order Israr.

In the mean time Chris D was making some strong strides at the crease and partnered well with first Brad and then Greg before getting out for 47 of 42 with Brad getting 12. Greg steadied the ship with a couple of 6’s and some warm words with anyone smaller than him, so the full 11 which could explain the slight over celebration by the oppo of his wicket as his self proclaimed “most frustrating innings of his life” came to an end for 34. Nathan “crease hogger” saw the innings out making both Etiene and then Ash keep their pulses up with 22 yard intervals., normally in multiples unless it was the end of the over. A good finish with NCH on 33 off 22 and Ash 2 both not out. Darjeeling were 174 for 5 after 25.

I had heard rumours we had a sub, and after a quick search around the grounds snoring was heard coming from one of the school buildings. Soon after Mohit was dug out from his first sleep in 30 hours and thrown into the field leaving the injured Andrew to umpire.

It was a surreal and dream start for Darjeeling with Israr pitching the first ball up and getting a thick edge straight up in the air which they decided to run, leaving Chris D an easy run out. Where the next couple overs from both Greg and Israr were slow in runs and wickets , manly due to a dropped catch from Liam, they made up for it in line length and pace. Greg had their one batsman looking like he was playing on a Wii as he tried to chase the ball around the crease. Greg finally got a plum LBW and finished up with 5 overs 4 runs 1 wicket with Isr no wickets for 23 off 5.

Etienne and the HASS were on next and needled into their batting attack with them both giving the Sri Lankans the opportunity to get back into the game by getting hit around the park before Etienne took two quick caught behind wickets. Although their left hander was handed a number of chances which can only be “put down” to some woeful catching, with the worst probably coming from Liam again, it was have been easier to swallow the ball than drop it. With them needing a run rate of over 10 an over it was time to bring on our spinners for a bit of temptation, a brave choice with our dropping performance but Ash delivered some corking top spin bouncers to get 4 wickets, including a stumping, from 2.3 over for very little runs with Neil getting 2 wickets off 3 overs for 22.

It was easy to tell that they had given up as the score book became rather lack lustre towards the end.

Tough one for MoM, some great bowling from both Greg and Ash, and cracking batting from Greg and Nathan, but Chris D’s 47 and great work behind the stumps edges it for me.

Quidditch Match Report of Darjeeling vs. XL played at Hogwarts on 22 Feb 2014‏ – words by Andrew " Tavare" Laing

It was a fine day for Quidditch on a sunny afternoon at Dubai’s very own Hogwarts (a.k.a. Repton College). Unfortunately no one knew the rules of Quidditch and everyone had left their brooms at home so we had to play cricket instead…

Darjeeling batted first (I am sure it is a requirement somewhere in our Club Constitution) with Laurence and the Silent Assassin, Chris Neal, opening the batting and getting us off to a great start. The first wicket put on the highest partnership of the innings with 46 runs at better than 10 an over until Laurence and Chris decided to have a lawyers conference in the middle of the pitch while trying to take a single. Laurence was run out despite his earnest appeals for a mistrial as the XL keeper strangely never quite had the ball in his gloves when the bails were removed – Run Out for 18 (with 1 x 4). Dannie Rees came in next and made a sprightly 7 with 1 x 4 (sorry about that batting average Dannie!) until he got himself talked out by Dobbie in jeans lurking at Point and getting bowled by the check-out clerk fresh from his morning shift at Carrefour. The umpires were strangely unmoved by Dannie’s request for another go and he was sent on his way with the score on 75 for 2.

This bought new lad, Milo Johnson, to the crease who gave a master class in axe work and proceeded to late chop no less than three consecutive 4’s to Third Man. All the while the runs were coming at around 10 to the over. Chris Neal bought up his 50 and then proceeded to get bowled by Dobbie the very next ball for 52 (8 x 4’s, 1 x 6) – Total 114 for 3 in the 11th over. Milo meanwhile kept the score board ticking away by his prodigious use of the chop shot and then watched the Middle Order collapse in a bit of a heap as Nick Harvey (bowled for 2), Chris Tebb (bowled for 2) and Ben Jones (LBW for 8 with 1 x 4) all came and went. Milo was next to fall, Bowled for 54 (8 x 4’s) and the score was 173 for 7 at the end of the 17th over. This bought the Saffer contingent to the crease and Etienne Visser (6 Not Out) and Andrew “Tavare” Laing (23 Not Out with 3 x 4’s) ended off the innings with a 31 run partnership in three overs taking Darjeeling to a competitive total of 204 for 7 off 20 overs.

The Pace Twins, Nick Harvey and Etienne Visser opened the bowling in XL’s innings, keeping things on a tight rein while the XL openers swung and missed. True to their name, they had identical bowling figures of 2 overs taking 0 for 12. Our new favourite Kiwi, Hagrid a.k.a. Ben Jones, came in next and let loose a few rip snorting bouncers that had the XL batsmen wobbling and went wicketless for 22 runs off his 2 overs. Chris Tebb steamed in off his long run up and made the first breakthrough taking 1 for 17 off his three overs. Well behind the run rate, XL needed to get the ball rolling and tried to take on our very own Southern Hemisphere spin twins: Gibby and Kymbo who tore apart the XL batting line up aided by some athletic keeping by our very own Welsh Wicketkeeper Extraordinaire, Dannie Rees. Gibby got 4 wickets for 20 off his 4 overs and Kymbo got a fiver – 5 wickets for 14 off 4 overs to wrap things up. Dannie got no less than 5 stumpings as the XL batsmen persisted in committing Hiri Kiri dancing out down the track to the Spin Twins. XL got bowled out for less than 100 off 17 overs, giving us the win by over 100 runs.

We all retired to the Dubai Polo Club for post match beverages.

Darjeeling CC v Hard Hitters CC – words by Andrew "Tavare" Laing

A lovely day for cricket at the ICC with the pitch giving a bit more life than normal. Darjeeling batted first (big surprise that!). Ash was kind enough to be umpire for the day and got proceedings going on time in the 22 over match.

Chris Neal and the Dominator opening the innings and put on 111 in the first 11 overs against some inconsistent bowling by Hard Hitters. At 137 for no loss in the 14th over Chris and the Dominator took pity on the opposition and retired. The Dominator had started circumspectly but let rip later on and ended on 58 Retired with 6 x fours and 1 x six (a Jos Butler-esque thump over the boundary fielder at deep mid-wicket). Chris Neal played his usual classy innings with some grand cover drives over the field and ended on 59 Retired with 7 x fours. This bought the middle order into play who proceeded to slow down the scoring rate by getting themselves out at inconvenient times. Dannie Reece played tip & run for a few balls and then hit out to the one player in the opposition who could catch – out for 4 runs, caught on the boundary. Jonno skied one and went for 7 with 1 x four. AT was bowled in the second to last over for 10 runs with 1 x four. Jason dot Brown made a nicely compiled 26 Not Out which included no less than 3 x threes and only 2 x fours so his running quota for the year has been met. Andrew made 4 Not and Darjeeling ended up on 199 for 5 after the required 22 overs. The opposition bowlers had pretty poor figures apart from Adil the spinner who took 3 for 26 off his 4 overs.

The record of the Hard Hitters inning is based solely on hazy memory as the scorebook is blank. The highlights were:

Hard Hitters proved to be seriously misnamed. They were a bit outgunned in the batting department and never really threatened getting to the required run rate. They ended up on around 130 to 140 for 8 in their 22 overs.

Opening the bowling were Chris Neal and Gully. Chris went wicketless but Gully got three wickets in his spell including two in two balls (unfortunately the hat trick ball was well defended).

Support bowlers were Liam, Hassan, Kymbo, Jonno and Dannie who shared the rest of the wickets. Hassan got two wickets, Jonno at least one and the rest is all a bit hazy (bowlers, feel free to elaborate here)…

Some particularly fine catching in the outfield with Kymbo taking two great catches off skied shots and Chris Neal taking two goodies out on the boundary. Chris Dommet also got a catch and a stumping. AT also got a catch at backward point.

Some particularly exciting dropped catches – Laim (the sun was in my eyes), Andrew (failed to catch a low flying V2 rocket), Gully, Hassan (two?) and I am sure there were more (you know who you are!)…

Afterwards we retired to Andrew’s apartment down the road in Motor City for a braai and a few beverages, which no doubt contributed to the hazy memory!

The day after the night before – Match Report of the Year Winner Steve Brown

The Cannons is always an eagerly anticipated fixture and Nick Harvey decided to schedule the game after the awards dinner to give our boys a challenge. Thanks Nick!

Darjeeling had their ‘best’ side out since the beginning of time according to Ash Banerjee, but with 9 lads who had attended the dinner in the squad (Nick Lloyd & Dannie Rees hang your heads in shame), surely it couldn’t be all smooth sailing.

The annual dinner was an eventful night out and after many ales were sunk, I think we definitely have all found it in our hearts to forgive Gris for his wrong-doings…… haven’t we Nick?!

Many of the boys were in fine form with Chris Tebb only drinking pints of bitter as anything to the contrary ‘isn’t a real beverage as it’s not dark and has bubbles in it!’ Hassan gave a vivid description to the type of classy attractive women he goes for, and how quality is more important than quantity. Another kick in the teeth comment as I was under the impression to truly encapsulate the Darjeeling spirit, you had to constantly go to Rock Bottom and panic pull average women when the pizza starts getting handed out. That’s mine and Jon’s excuse anyway lads.

Israr seemed to be in a sticky situation with his date, as Badger’s lodger resembled a rucksack with him clinging on to her at every opportunity. He was pulling out some really sleazy chat up lines and dance moves that seemed to leave the lads puzzled. It is also still up for debate on to whether he actually knows Badger, or actually just lied his way in to the dinner to try and cock-block paying members.

Browny was forced up to do another rendition of Wonderwall, but his below average Liam Gallagher rendition was all forgotten when people actually realised what Julius’ was wearing. His ‘big guy’ upper body had looked borrowed from the set of Scarface, red chinos looking like they belonged to Alan Carr and trainers that would have been better suited to a One Direction music video.

A hugely anticipated question was finally answered by Steve Finnigan on what actually makes him ‘tick’. It was sad to see Greg Moses not there to truly pick his brains on his vague answers and to get into the ‘nitty gritty’ details on some pretty seedy responses. Other highlights included seeing Gully pick up a bar bill at the end of the night. He has to be the only person in the world who never carries cash on him, has no money on his card, but always seems to be blind drunk with a glass of mothers milk in his hand. He also lives on the palm and drives a Mercedes…..work that one out! He stooped to a new low when trying to get sloppy 2nds on a terrible looking girl that Jon had already dealt with. The thought of him dancing round in his tighty whities for an hour is still haunting me now.

Anyway…… on to the game:

The game looked certain for disaster when Julius was caught out being sick in the ICC car park in front of his very unimpressed wife and son. He was almost sick again when he caught Jason Brown eating what can only be described as the world’s largest portion of Burger King. Jason came to watch and immediately snuck in 2 lamb burgers, before polishing off his chips and diet coke. He then very sheepishly glanced around to make sure no-one was watching before pulling out what is rumoured to be a Double Whopper burger, and destroying it within seconds before anyone could notice…… Yes Jason, we saw you eat the third!

Darjeeling won the toss (about the only good thing they did all day) and surprisingly elected to bat! A drunken agreement the night before had meant that the 3 stooges (Browny, Jon & Olly) would all go in first as they are MATES with the skipper. As always Gully went back on his drunken words and demoted Olly to 5. Brown and Houghton, who were more bothered about telling everyone at the ground about the latest chapter in a book of average conquests, were to go out and open. What happened next could not have been predicted. Brown playing on for a second ball duck and Houghton nicking off for a golden duck. Top start!

Even funnier than the scorecard, was the fact that Jon had absolutely murdered it to the keeper but because Gully was umpiring, stood his ground and looked as innocent as Stuart Broad. Gully awkwardly raised his finger with the keeper bellowing ‘How dare you stand there for that!’ Tweedle Dum and Dee were out without troubling Chris Tebb’s mouse and to rub insult to injury Julius’ better half even got involved yelling ‘Guess which team was out on the piss last night’.

Nick Lloyd then came and went for 6 before stooge number 3; Higgens strolled in to get some pride back for his mates. He had recently lit a cigarette so snuck in a couple of pulls before passing it on and strolling out. He lasted 2 balls for 4, with his cigarette still not finished by the time he trudged off. After all last night’s air blowing, the 3 stooges managed to muster up 5 balls between them for 4 runs. Solid contributions!

Dannie and Israr started a mini revival, but when Dannie got cleaned up by one of his new best mates, the score was 44-5. If ever you needed a captain’s innings, now was the time. Enter captain clueless – Mark Gullickson…… The last member of the group who met earlier before the dinner to get lashed and was desperate to help his 3 idiot mates out. Gully did them proud by helping himself to a 4 ball duck….. Cherry on the cake!

Newly crowned all-rounder of the year Nick Harvey joined Israr and finally there was something to cheer about. A 50+ partnership that at least gave us something to bowl at and not get even more embarrassed than we already had. Israr departing for a well-made 34 and Nick making 41.

Tebb and Banerjee were next and with Bradders making sure Moxey had one over left, the mini battle could commence. The battle was delayed slightly as Dannie Rees’ & Julius’ wives caught Moxey’s eye and he was half way off the field to try and help himself before being warned about his gentlemanly conduct! They didn’t hang around and left Julius stranded at the other end (not that he was going to make a difference) with Darjeeling finishing 146ao.

Cameron ‘the Judas’ Coles was to open the batting for The Cannons and went on to his highest ever career score. Every time he represented Darjeeling, he was more bothered about clocking up miles on his fitness watch and doing laps round the field after departing for single figures. Could be worse I suppose; at least he didn’t proposition any of our dates or girlfriends.

Gully’s masterstroke bowling changes were not working to say the least and with Darjeeling lacklustre in the field, it was looking like a slow painful death. None of Darjeeling’s bowlers hit their straps and only a solitary run out (which wasn’t even out) was the only success to be had. Credit has to go to Dannie Rees for conning the umpire with a very enthusiastic and convincing appeal. His enthusiasm wasn’t rubbing off on the rest of the hungover bunch and he kept muttering little digs under his breath such as ‘I can’t wait to play for the cannons more often’ and ‘if there were 11 of me playing, we would win every week’. Maybe he’s been listening to Jason Brown too much!

The Cannons eased their way to a 9 wicket victory and the only highlight after that was Dannie Rees trying to pull Steve Finnigan’s ex bird in the polo club. I guess he’s trying to follow in the steps of Tim Moxey so The Cannons will finally welcome him in.