As two members part our shore…
Characters for which there is much rapport,
A farewell fixture was held…
During which many folk excelled.
In the most part cricket was unrelated…
As Freddie the funnel kept us hydrated,
GT’s chosen men marched out…
Receiving many an early shout.
Umpire Drummond duly obliged…
To certain men’s surprise.
Unhappy mutterings from the fence…
His twitchy finger made matters tense.
Each player with 15 balls to face…
Dawson’s opener claimed a brace,
As Boin’s team turned the screw…
The oppo enjoyed more home brew.
Eventually the run rate increased…
Well the scoreboard said so at least,
Setting a formidable 224…
Really quite a total to score.
Thankful for Kymbo in a charitable mood…
For in his opener 32 accrued,
“Take a blow” his captain said…
For fine leg he willfully fled.
Just the 14 fielders to beat…
In an attempt to avoid defeat,
Boin inspired us with his chat…
Past the total did we bat.
Despite Boin the victorious departee…
Cricket won we’d all agree,
Roasted all day in the heat…
We retreated to the changing room suite.
So many men on one knee…
“Please no Jack Daniels” they did plea,
The next concoction down the hose…
Shamefully drenching Darjeeling clothes.
Then Shugie took the plunge…
On one knee did he lunge,
The technique was one to forget…
With OJ was he wet.
The speeches were all going so well…
With fond memories did we dwell,
Reminiscing of past ways…
As some eyes began to glaze.
Step up professional speaker…
Or rather attention seeker,
Tom , Tom, Tom, Tom the speech did go…
If only someone struck him a blow.
The refreshments did not stop there…
As the evening events were laid bare.
To some establishment did we flock…
Might as well have been Bangkok.
We wish Boin and GT goodbye…
For home soil they do fly,
Enjoy England’s finest dross…
Perhaps one day you’ll hit a full toss!
The Dubai Despatch, May 10, 2015
Yesterday’s events provided a quite stunning contrast to the previous Saturday’s dry run (which favoured the Tories), with a recently-cobbled-together Coalition of the Swilling (led, would you believe, by a Plaid Cymru representative!) prevailing in the Election Edition of the Desert Derby, throwing the psephologists into predictable disarray.
Yes, Cameron’s Conservative Cannons lost comprehensively (by 10 seats) to a resurgent alliance led from the front by Jon “Toothy Ed” Houghton and James “Cleggie” Smibert, with tacit support from the Irish (Rob Weir, back in Malahide for the washed-out one-dayer) and even the Scots (Chris Bridle, last seen repairing to the Sturgeon & Roe for a wee dram a few months ago).
Both teams seemed to have made equally concerted efforts to broaden their appeal to the minority, immigrant and Kolpak constituencies in an effort to capture the swing vote, with the Conservatives fielding Khalid, Mirza, Vincent and Coles, while the National Coalition offered up Banerjee, Moses, Blignaut and deBeer.
On to the details, then… the toss went the Tories’ way and they decided to bat first, opening with Cameron (of course!) and Thomas. The Coalition opened with Blignaut and MacFadyen, then Cook and Rees once the field was out, all bowling well enough to keep the flood at bay but never really threatening, and at the 10-over break the Cannons were 74/0, Cam dropped at 8 by Dannie as Cook’s low, full pie was driven firmly but airily to mid-off, mistaken for a bump ball, attempted (with resultant bruising) and parried overhead to the fence.
Meanwhile the long-awaited crate of water had arrived to provide succour at the break, and so had the Conservatives’ support, well-distributed across the key demographics: infants, women and seniors.
102 ensued off the bottom ten but so did 6 wickets, evening things out somewhat. Thomas departed in the 14th after a good opening stand of 111, well caught at long on by a sliding Houghton off Cook for an adventurous 49 off 40 (5×4, 2×6), even as Shep hopped in the heavens above.
Skipper Bradstock came in next, stroked the ball around well (that bat looks quite special) while Cameron continued to hit well-timed shots to all parts, particularly severe on Banerjee (who put the liberal in LibDem) starting with a few pies, then offering up kebabs and finally fish & chips, his trifecta of take-aways put away for 32 off 2 before asking the skipper Rees to take him off, lack of nets having palpably affected length and bowling form.
But there was a twist in the tale yet, Houghton brought on to bowl, taking 4-11 off his two! First the dangerous Coles holing out to Jamie at cow corner off a first-ball full toss for an effervescent 76 off 54 (6×4, 3×6), then the hamstrung Khalid caught by Blikkies in similar fashion, then Bradstock caught by Ash at point off a swirling top edge for 27 off 11, then Taylor went just as Coles did, and in a couple of overs the complexion of the innings had changed (much like London) even as Curtis went lbw to Rees for a first-ball duck (Adair, umpiring, giving the benefit of the doubt to the bowler), and the Conservatives finished on a possibly sub-par 178/6 despite a brief late flurry from Mellor with support from Lazarus.
Blignaut 4-23-0, MacFadyen 4-41-0, Cook 4-23-1, Rees 4-46-1, Banerjee 2-32-0, Houghton 2-11-4, not a single maiden bowled.
At the half-way mark the Conservatives might have felt they had secured enough, based on recent evidence, while the Coalition thought they’d shown good Labour form by fielding well in the Shires and were in with a chance.
And so it came to pass that Cleggie and Toothy Ed were nominated to lead the chase from the front, while bowling duties were entrusted to Taylor and Bain.
Taylor was accurate but predictable from the Academy End, while Bain from Bradenton North was brisk but wayward, profligate with the Dukes and going for 19 off his first and 25 off the second as the openers cashed in with some well-played drives and deflections for boundaries, 61 coming off the first 4, helped along by extras as well for as good a start as the Coalition has ever enjoyed.
This prompted a change in the Conservatives’ strategy, with the spin doctors Mellor and Adair pressed into service for the last two overs of the powerplay, but to no avail as the buffet bowling continued and the batsmen feasted, the Coalition 80/0 off the first 6.
The batsmen looked firmly in control and a sense of comfortable smugness seeped into the hutch, with the immigrants Moses and Banerjee placidly ensconced in the bosomy embrace of the welfare state, suckling contentedly on the twin teats of Healthcare (cigarettes) and Benefits (water) while the Kolpaks ran the scorebox, Nigel foraged fruitlessly in South Thanet and a distant David Dimbleby allegedly exclaimed “for God’s sake” when he thought the cameras were off.
As the field went out the scoring rate normalised somewhat, with the Coalition 109/0 at drinks after 10, still well ahead of the ask and the worm looking quite superior on the iPad. The spinners continued as variously Curtis, Lazarus and Mirza were each given a go, Houghton accelerated as he tired, peppering the Academy with a few sixes, even while Cameron raged against the tide from behind the stumps, attempting to rally the troops in the face of the inevitable. Toothy Ed retorted with “My mum’s French,” putting to rest any doubts about Britain’s future in the EU. The Scots didn’t rate a mention despite Cameron’s former cricketing connections to the land of single malts, kilts, haggis and em, Hogmanay.
It was all over four balls into the 16th, with Smibert (67 off 50, 8×4, 1×6) and Houghton (88 off 48, 10×4, 4×6) having batted really, really well (Cleggie’s Chinese cuts notwithstanding, perhaps an acknowledgement of the Met Ball’s theme this year?) for a fine 10-wicket win, long overdue against the Cannons.
Taylor 2-12, Bain 2-44, Mellor 3-18, Adair 4-24, Curtis 1.4-10, Lazarus 2-12, Mirza 1-3, no maidens or wickets.
Our opening pair of Jamie Smibert and Jonathan Houghton, who single handedly reached the target
A good day out for some, and all repaired to Kickers for a pint or two (“we don’t do champagne these days, you know”) and bit of post-match socialising. After his exertions for a Man of the Match performance, Houghton resorted to caloric compensation via cheesy fries, a hot dog bigger than its bun, and a chicken salad, all of which were pronounced tasteless but useful under the circumstances, much like this match report.
[vc_row type=”container” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=””][vc_column][vc_column_text]DCC vs Dubai Stallions
By 8.15am on Saturday morning, Darjeeling CC had already achieved its first victory of the day. The welcome sight of Gully, who had wisely decided to settle down for an early night almost five hours earlier, striding languidly across the car park of the Sevens ground meant that DCC had mustered a playing 11 (albeit in the second over of the match). The opposition for this decisive tournament fixture was the Dubai Stallions, a prospect which simultaneously bewildered and intimidated young Brian – was selection based on girth or length? He made a mental note to investigate further….
It was the morning after the night before and while Dubai’s privileged classes slept soundly, DCC’s most committed cricketers roused themselves from their slumbers at an ungodly hour; all were bleary-eyed, many with pounding headaches and a few still drunk.
With adroitness that would have had Kofi Annan nodding in silent approval, Jules expertly negotiated the toss (“You bat, we bowl? OK?) to ensure DCC would be back under the shade of the pavilion’s veranda before the sun had risen high in the cornflower blue sky.
As Jules paced out his run-up, Jonno proudly presented a cobalt blue tongue to the slip cordon as proof of his earlier antics in Rock Bottom. However, this only raised speculation that his preparation for the match had involved going down on an aging Smurfette – shenanigans he has neither confirmed nor denied…
While minds wandered, Julius bounded in for the first over with the vivacity of a young bullock and a determination to fell the Stallions opening batsmen at the first hurdle. Israr, with clear eyes and a full heart, opened from the other end and, with his first ball, induced a snick which Jonno lapped up (Granny Smurfette was still etched into the forefront of the mind at this point). There followed one of the tightest opening partnership spells in DCC’s recent history with just 34 being conceded from the first seven overs.
The cherry was then given to Gully to tighten the stranglehold and dispatch the Stallions onward to the glue factory. 10 balls later, and having fed the pony (a manoeuvre honed at the Sea View Hotel), he was thanked for his labours and sent back to sweep on the boundary. Down, but not out.
The change bowlers were effective and economical. As ever, Big Ben displayed his benevolence to the opposing batsman in generously providing ball-by-ball instruction on how best to play his deliveries. Not so much a horse whisperer as a steed shouter. Although the sentiment was compassionate, the result was ineffective as evidenced by his tidy spell of 1-19 off four – a tricky catch snaffled by Israr with consummate ease.
Tim Davy, now struggling for work as a Peter Crouch look-a-like as the long-legged footballer’s career wanes, took a sharp caught-and-bowled and proved near impossible to be get away – a six off his last ball blighting more-than-respectable figures of 1-23 off four.
Who is the most aggressive man in the club? Well, if you were to ask the Stallions, the Croydon terrier with the look and temperament of Ari Gold would be the collective response. Perhaps confusing cricket for baseball following a recent spell in the US, Brian literally went for the knock-out blow delivering two beamers in quick succession. Two strikes and you’re out here unfortunately. The intimidation tactics backfired and an apoplectic Brian was sent back to the serenity of deep extra-cover having only supplied the cowering batsman with five legitimate deliveries.
With one delivery still required to complete the over, De Boinville eagerly grabbed the ball like a fat kid grabbing a ball. He then demonstrated great sportsmanship to the clearly traumatized batter, bowling the gentlest off-break every seen on a cricket pitch. The reprieve was welcome and the ball deservedly carted over cow corner for a maximum.
It was time to circle the wagons and the Rhinestone Cowboy, Gully, having now sobered up, roared in with true Aussie grit bowling an inspired spell which included two wickets in two balls. He finished for a superb 3-26 off four. By this point in the proceedings, the Stallions resembled little more than shire horses and DCC took pity, slackening the reins and dropping two dollys (form is temporary, class in permanent). There is no ‘I’ in ‘team’ so it would not be fair to single out such individuals and the team should take responsibility. (Butter-fingers) Lee Dawson bowled tightly at the death and a sub-par total of 159 had been set by the Stallions off the allotted 25 overs for the loss of eight wickets.
The damp outfield (allegedly as moist as a young married French woman who had been cornered and chatted up by a few DCC charmers in Bidi Bondi) was beginning to dry and speed-up as the temperature hit 30C and confidence amongst DCC’s top order was high.
Openers Chris Neal and De Boinville saddled up and went out to the middle with the intention of battering the Stallions until they were flogging a dead horse (crow-barred in). The first few overs went to plan, with De Boinville seizing on every delivery and crashing the ball all over the park with such brutality against the equine-dubbed opposition that alerts were sounded at both PETA and the RSPCA. Each whip-like crack sent the ball in a perfect parabola toward the boundary until the human-mortar was prematurely silenced; caught at mid-on for 17 off 9.
Stylish left-hander Chris Neal provided good support with some elegant shots off both front and back foot. He was ably encouraged by the vulpine Israr from the non-strikers end; regrettably, when it came time for the number three all-rounder to face the bowling himself, he was unable to provide any further assistance and was out for a duck. Wickets continued to tumble like riders at Becher’s Brook and at 4-48, the match was hanging in the balance.
As the volume of the Stallions’ whinnying increased, and the vociferous appeal which followed every ball grew ever more tedious, it was up to Brian and Jonno to play the role of farrier, de-shoeing the petulant Stallions for good. With ever-increasing confidence and ability, this is exactly what they accomplished in constructing a partnership of 92. It was at this point that Jonno, having hit consecutive fours, declared that he was truly ‘in the zone’ before planting the following delivery into point’s hands for a valuable 37 . For the Stallions it was too late and DCC had slammed the stable door shut on the metaphorical bolting horse breaking several of its vertebrae in the process. It only remained for Big Ben to emerge with his shotgun and put the beast out of its misery.
Out the broad-shouldered Kiwi strode with a look in his eye that declared he was not only there to see DCC home, but that there would be no mercy in his actions. The bowler ran in. Thud. A few reverent nods and a smile from the umpire. Seconds ticked away. Like Tom Drummond on a dance floor, the umpire’s finger was raised skywards in the most contentious of decisions. Ben, utterly perplexed, took a deep breath, nodded acknowledgement to the umpire and tucked his bat under his arm before making the long walk back to the hutch. He knew a bad decision had been pronounced on this morning, but ‘the umpire’s judgement is final and must always be respected’ he informed his stunned teammates.
In any case, Brian (who in no way resembles a jockey) was riding these Stallions like AP McCoy at Cheltenham and the finish line was within reach. The final furlong consisted of Jules and the beamer-loving, man-of-the-match viciously thrashing the bowling over an ever-constricting field – the only valid theory for such poor decision-making by the Stallions captain was that he had Ketamined-up during the drinks break, having considered the floccinaucinihilipilification of his predicament, and was dozing in the paddock.
Ultimately, DCC won at a canter with six overs and four wickets to spare and knew that if they took down one of the planet’s most docile mammals, the Wombats, they would be in the final. The Stallions departed for the stables with their tails (despite having spend 40+ ball in the middle, Brian was none-the-wiser…) between their legs. A happy DCC team departed for home with the promise of more horse play and the rasping tones of Tina Turner’s early-90’s classic ‘(Simply) The Best’ ringing in their ears.
Given the eventual ease with which DCC took down the Stallions, it would be disappointing if the culling of a lowly Australian marsupial were not realised next week.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
On a chilly but pleasant evening DCC faced ABB at the ICC. Jono skippered, lost the toss & was put into bat. Jono & Tom De B opened & scored freely for the first few overs, Tom falling to a doubtful lbw decision for 28. In came Blickies & was immediately given out first ball lbw to the same bowler in similar fashion. Next up was Brad & employed his much maligned accumulative style, scoring freely, albeit 1s & 2s. Jono fell soon after for a healthy 44. Chris Neal contributed with a nice 24, as did Andrew Kirk (8), Tom Drummond (10), Abel (7) & Nick (3no), Brad finishing up being run out on 35 being the backbone of the innings. Innings total – 176 off 22 overs, seemed sub-par at the time, non-the-less defendable.
Opening the bowling was Nick (5o, 0w, 29r) & Jules (5o, 1w, 28r) with some good, tight, clinical fast bowling, restricting the opposition big hitters to the occasional loose shot. This was followed up by Blickies (4o, 2w, 21r) with much of the same, the opposition unable to get much away, seemingly unable to get their timing right. Next up was Rich (4o, 3w, 25r), Darjeeling’s leading exponent of the art of “shit gets wickets”, keen to make amends for last week’s nightmare, sprayed the ball around a bit until he dished up some dollies for the miss-timing batsmen to find “bucket-hands” Drummond in the deep. Valuable contributions to the bowling were made towards the end by Chris Neal (2o, 1w, 9r) & Andrew Kirk (2o, 2w, 16r).
In summary, DCC won by about 25 runs because I can’t read the score book. A polished & satisfying all round performance to keep the unbeaten run going for another week. Honorary mention to Jono for his professional captaincy.
Pirates don’t do Valentines aarrrrrrrrr they do Cricket arrrgg.
So the 11 lost souls forever condemned to Captain Davey Jones locker, decided to play the land lubber game of cricket avast.
By virtue of elimination Gul dog selected J.Dot to captn said team of scurvy dogs, hence fore he shall be known as Captain Hook, for his love of the short ball arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (more on that later).
The opposition was late by process their cur dog of a Captain could not use his sextant and arrived late, some form of land device known as email was used as an excuse, but we made them have a choice of field or be keelhauled. They chose the former and Captain Hook armed his sailers with wooden swords known as bats. Avast ye sea scum, batten down the hatches as we will let loose Bilge Boy Blikkes to plunder and pillage the bowling attack!
Accompanying Bilge Boy was Brad “the Glacier” Wissink know for his exploits with Romanian Gypsies, Glacier is not deferring to his Ice cool temperament but his strike rate in said T20. So haul up the sails and make hast me lads as it gets stormy. Bilge Boy wielded his sword and took the Eagles to task, but was cheated of his wicket by ricochet from the keepers armour and was stumped for a quick 21 off 16, back to swabbing the deck for you Bilge Boy.
Meanwhile the Glacier was ebbing forward and steadily ensuring the scoreboard ticked over, Chris “Cut Throat” Neal joined the Glacier and started well until the natives captured him with the old playing back to a spinner ploy, bowled he was and for his crimes he was banished to the brig to think on his crimes, I ordered the cat o nine tails but a mutiny called for few lashings only. Jamie “Cabin Boy” then upped the rate with a few lusty blows, and some cricket shots as well. However he let his Captain down by committing Hari Kari the Japanese pirate suicide. Run out for 29 off 18. The Glacier kept advancing, the ice age cometh……
The ship was listing badly now, and it was inevitable that she would go down to Davy Jones locker with all crew aboard. Able seaman “Able”, chipped in with 10 bowled, by a sea urchin, and the Glacier was the bizarrely stumped after he ran from his crease after the keeper managed to finally keep a ball in his Krakken arms, this surprised the Glacier so much he went looking for mermaids somewhere about mid pitch and the krakken removed the bails, thus ending the ice age.
Still his 45 from 49 kept us afloat whilst others were floundering in the deeps. Arrrrrrrrr Avast ye.
This left 13 balls for Captain Hook to do something, hooking wasn’t it and he has his capstan removed trying to cut (the head off) a straighter delivery. So we rounded the cape of good hope and the Saffa’s joined with Viv “the Gentleman” Botha making a cameo 7 off 3 and Brian “Bosun” Williams not out on 8 with Tim “Tall Timber” Davy not out dead eye’s 0. So the good ship Darjeeling ran around for 156 off 20 and no treasure in sight, avast the wretched albatross of bad fortune!
As all good captains do, I rounded on the crew and blamed them, I also flogged them mercilessly and removed rum privileges. At the same time I looked at the stores and decided to open up with the big guns on deck. Unfortunately Greg “The Deserter” had deserted, we will find you and keelhaul you deserter.
The map to the rest of this story is missing just like our treasure, the scurvy dogs destroyed the evidence and we only have anecdotal tales of whoa and despair.
The Gentleman lived up to his name being very nice to almost blast the opposition out of the water with his big guns firing twin salvo’s arrrrrrrrrrrrr 2/21 from 4 ye scurvy lad, Cut Throat taking 2 behind point. Gul Dog bowled like a busted arse, and needed to have a rest on a desert island, after going for more than required, 0/26 from 3.
Krishna “Hare Rama” used all 6 of his arms to deceive the Eagles, but his navigation was off at times, leading to a 2/26 from 3, though I swear arrrrrrrr with a few more months at sea he will improve. Bosun was bowling well, using some sort of sling to catapult the ball down the wicket, when tragedy struck and he jammed his finger in the mechanism and had to have it amputated, at the elbow. bowling figures lost at sea.
Tall Timber was useful but one of the opposition took a liking to his offerings in his last over, again poor record keeping has left us with no answer to is he any good, he’s tall and offered the capt that he had a 4th in him.
I disagreed and sent him to the briny depths (third man).
Bilge Boy was asked to plunder some more and obliged even without a snickers, death bowling is his forte and he deliver some fatal blows as sharks sensed blood in the waters, and a feeding frenzy started. 2/million off 4
Capt Hook rolled his hook down at the death as well, had his wooden leg break on the second ball, and could then only bowl off 3 steps, Still entertaining and less runs than Cut throat…………arrrrrrrrrrrr
This left us with Cut Throat and 21 req, dishing up a compass wide first ball he tempted the gods with the reducing target, next ball despatched to the boundary and it was suddenly all on, a 2 from the next ball leaving them with 14 req off 3, thanks Cut Throat…….still a third run out ensured victory for HMS Darjeeling. Arrrrrr
Other highlights, Jamie “Cabin Boy” slipping like bambi on ice due to no spikes,green grass and dew, he actually winded himself once……….Roger the cabin boy would be more useful arrrrrrr.
Viv the Gentleman also almost killing himself on the boundary trying to stop a ball.
The 3 way fake run out, 1 take shot at stumps with no one at the stumps miss by a nautical miles, 2 wait for batsman to try to steal a second run, 3 have the fielder who backed up the 1st throw hit stumps, Pirate win.
The hit it back to the bowler run out, 1 hit slow full toss straight back to bowler, 2 have the non striker batsman run the entire length of pitch, 3 easiest run outs ever.
Cameo appearance, Danny “Shoeless” Rees, fielded for 3 overs when the Bosun went for amputation.
So despite running aground on the rocks HMS Darjeeling was re-floated and plundered all and sundry, with wenches kidnapped for good measure and rum rations restored for all……..
There’s a certain glow one feels when you arrive at the ground for the Darjeeling inter-club Christmas match and the smiles that greet you are both friendly and warm. But, if you look closely you can detect a hint of something else. As a child you’d share that smile with your friend just as you agreed to bunk off school; as a teenager, before you were about to get laid; a smile that promises tomfoolery to come with a soupçon of vice……………….nice.
Stark differences were apparent on meeting the two skippers of the day. The Southern hemisphere skipper, Greg Moses looked stoic and fit (now that he can bench press his own body weight); Gary (True Grit) Turner on the other hand appeared at best grim and at worst like death after five seconds in the microwave (now that his two day marathon drinking session was over). Imagine therefore, Gary’s glee of learning that our little warm-up session was to be a 100 metre dash across the pitch at the team briefing………but did baulk at the idea? Did he fook! Gary, Turner……..True grit!
A week ago or so, I sent around a mail requesting some of the players’ vital statistics which, I’m sure mildly irritates people (I thank yee all for humouring me), but all bar one was duly returned with some interesting results. For those of you with an occasional fetish for useless information – below a summary of the stats:
The average age of the squads was 37.5 years old
Average height, 180cm (5’10¾)
The average BMI, 29 – which, if the Darjeeling Cricket Club Christmas Club squad were a country
would make us the fattest in the world bar Tonga & Micronesia (well, it is Christmas afterall……!)
Members below 6 feet lie about their height…….Julius, 5’11”? ………per-leeease…!
The average time we’ve ever run the 100m (from the sensible answers) is 14 seconds
Our allergies include; pineapple, alcohol, non-alcoholic drinks, virgins (not sure how he found out about that one – would have been fun testing it though), Jagermeister, 4x4s with baby-on-board stickers, pollen, pretentious ar*eholes, Palestinian Bankers, furry dice, penicillin, top quality spin bowlers and a couple of Darjeeling members! (no names of course!)
The average weight is 94kg (14 stone, 12lb in old money)
The reason for acquiring the statistics was not to set up a dating site (as was suggested) but to set a handicap for our 100 metre sprint across pitch (which I once again miscalculated). So after the team briefing and sweepstake draw we had a little pre-warm up session with Ben Jones’ camp scissor step manoeuvre catching the eye. We lined up in our selected rows with poor young slim Jason Stewart looking to make up 8.5 seconds to the high-handicappers. The young and fit never stood a chance, J Dot cut the ribbon first, Dommett pulled a hamstring and despite my best efforts of pulling him back, I was pipped at the line by Johno (….the shame of it). Coco came up the rear. We then sauntered off to the changing rooms muttering & cursing under our breath between gasps of air.
GT won the toss and elected to bat, opening with Cockcrusher (Coco) and the Beast (Badger).
It being Christmas and Darjeeling having a penchant for playing silly-buggers, all batsmen took a swig of good-ol-Jagermeister before striding out and for all bowlers (and returning batsmen), a jager-jelly was dished out by the umpire complete with freezer bag over their shoulder.
Neither stuck around for long despite Etienne’s purposeful drop off Coco’s skied leading edge (he was later heavily-fined). This brought Juggernaut Mooney and the Dominator to the crease with Julius in particular smashing fours to all parts of the ground. Chris, with a knackered hammy, was less enthusiastic between the wickets than his usual scampering-self. Chris Bridle was half way out to the square to act as runner before (you’ll never guess) Badger came bounding on to act as Chris’ legs (apparently, he wanted to get in the game…!). Chris was visibly distressed/amused (delete as appropriate).
All in all, the North had three retirements (as we were playing Taverners’ rules); Julius, Dommett & Me). There was a couple of memorable moments that exemplified/tested the ‘spirit-of-the-game’ Firstly, Julius claiming and GT awarding five penalty runs after Gully’s delivery was hit by Chris on to his cap lying behind/near the stumps and secondly, me being recalled by Greg and others after being giving out by Coco LBW some way out of his crease. Indeed, the exuded body language of the South at half time as they strode off avoiding eye contact and the offering of water was akin to that of the Australian’s during the Bodyline series against Jardine’s England (well similar to that from that series that was on the telly anyway).
Rich Hallows, Lee Dawson and Julius (on his second innings) all chipped in, but the total of 158 after the North’s 22 overs always looked 30 runs short. The South had three notable bowlers to speak of namely (Velvety) Etienne (3 overs, one wicket for 10 runs), Jason Stewart (3 overs for 14) and Jason (Breathless) Brown (3 overs, three for 14)….well bowled Gentlemen.
The Southern Hemisphere opened with (Sensitive) CD & Nathan (Caring) Cartright and for a while it looked they were making a game of it. They scrapped and scrabbled about and were just 20 odd after 6 overs. Chris Bridle (great to have you back in the squad by the way) forgot he was playing cricket as he chested one down from CD’s miscued drive (both umpires heard the distinct drumming sound of leather on ribcage). CD eventually found himself (to be joining many others) in Badger’s famous hutch as Nathan fell to……err someone else…?
Potty, usually effective, failed to impress and one Mr. Nick Lloyd was less than impressed after being run out cheaply. When cordially reminded of his duty to take his obligatory jager jelly whilst marching off, was heard to retort “well f**king bring it here then…!” (ooooo-oooo!).
Andrew Kirk, managed to better his previous Darjeeling batting effort (by facing a ball) and just made it to double figures
but was dismissed before reaching twenty.
The winner of the sprint, Mr. Breathless Brown was next to the crease and from the minute he took his jelly and guard, looked purposeful and determined to make his twenty and retire. Joined by Ben Jones, the big guns had definitely arrived. In reply, True Grit whipped out his cock-crushing secret-weapon and Ms. Caroline Toussaint was thrown the ball. Twenty minutes later, both Big Guns were back in the paddock, both falling victim to Coco’s charms in spectacular fashion. Firstly, Ben, playing forward was bowled with Coco getting the best of his length and secondly, Jason, honey-trapped in as he smashed Coco (Jason’s length, definitely shorter than Bens’) in to the deep only to pick our Richard Hallows with laser-point-accuracy. Both J Dot and Richard wore the same “WTF??” expression (both in total disbelief…..for different reasons). But in the end Mr. Brown had to go and take his goodbye jaeger-bomb.
Next in was the South’s skipper, Mr Greg Moses who’d been swaggering around all day with his chin raised more above horizontal than Agmal’s arm is bent. He marched to the crease and took very little time in stamping his authority on the game with True Grit falling prey to a very brief but very brutal onslaught (with Greg’s 20 coming in just 7 balls). The North lost 22 runs in that over and the tide had tipped. In short, the South’s tail didn’t merely wag but beat the North’s bowlers to all corners. Etienne, too finding the middle made his retirement runs thereby, bringing Kymbo & Gully (10 & 11) to the crease.
True Grit looked deep into his arsenal and brought Coco back into the attack with Badger chirping away to Gully about being dismissed by the fairer sex. Gully’s reply was to play a beautiful slog sweep off one knee from a Miss Toussaint full toss that looked to be heading straight to the awaiting Badger at deep backward square leg. There are two-sides to every story and I think it’s only fair to share both. Badger: “…it flew well over my head and miles over the boundary” The Entire Southern Hemisphere: “…it went through your hands mate”
Personally, I believe Badger.
That shot did, however, make the run chase far simpler with both Gully and Kym finding the boundary fence. With two and a half overs to go Gully was dismissed (for the second time that over) which brought back Mr. Moses and the game was all but lost. There was a bit of hand-bagging round the boundary and on the pitch over bowlers and batsmen not used (I felt …….it was just the right amount of animosity) as the last few deliveries were bowled. But with the winning runs hit hands were firmly shaken and bums warmly slapped as we headed off to the changing room to read out the book and the fines.
Sugee won AED 400 on the sweepstake for pulling out Breathless Brown and I wish I could remember more about the fines (duly punished Vodka and yet more Jager shots) of which some were brilliant. Afterwards, I think all bar two or three then headed to the Els club for dinner and the promise of AED10 drinks. A great session was had including a revival of obscure Darjeeling XI’s – this time we had the Psychologists’ XI (as, in those of need of seeing one). I believe it was Ben Jones that picked up on a running theme, i.e. that the majority were South African (and all agreed most were decent players….!). Perhaps, a new question to be added to the membership questionnaire?
Before the festivities really got going.
On a personal note, congratulations to the South (again) on winning the match and thank you to everyone for being such a good sport and making it such a memorable day (and night).
On a weekend when the Springboks swept all aside at the Dubai Rugby 7s our very own Blitzbokke stole the show against ABB at the ICC CA.
There was a nip in the air and a hint of dew on the ground as the usual motley assortment of Darjeeling players drifted into the ground. Captain Banerjee announced to all that in a dramatic change from the usual tactics, he had won the toss and decided to field! He claimed to have spotted a little something in the pitch suggesting early movement, although a more convincing argument might have been that it would be cooler bowling first.
Anyway, after awarding a new club shirt to debutant Ethan Holmes we trudged reluctantly onto the pitch only for some sharp eyed cove to spot that the sight screens were set for a white ball. With no sign of activity from the ground staff an executive decision was made to try to fix the problem ourselves, ignoring young Ethan’s assertion that black screens shouldn’t pose a problem for the batsmen as we had no quick bowling. Greg offered him a look of disdain before clambering to the top of the screen to mend the pulley system which was jammed.
Finally, we got down to play with Greg opening up from the stadium end and Ethan standing where a keeper normally would for a bowler of Badger’s pace. By the end of the over he was nursing a couple of bruised hands and standing within chatting distance of the slips, commenting to Ash that it felt weird to be standing so far back. Welcome to big boys cricket young man
Etienne opened up from the other (unnamed) end, keeping it tight and getting a bit of swing and the score trickled along in singles, edges and wides until Etienne struck in his second over. A back of a length ball tempted the opener into a wild slog which Brad eventually caught coming in from mid off. He struck again in similar fashion in his next over, with Brad again pouching a skier (or skyer?), to have ABB struggling at 28 for 2 with only their no.3 batsman Syed Hussain looking capable of taking on the Darjeeling bowling.
After dropping a tough slip chance off Greg, Blikkies took over from the stadium end, picking up a wicket in his second over with a catch by the Dominator at midwicket.
Drinks were taken with ABB struggling at 58 for 3 after 10, but the fourth wicket partnership between Syed and Nidhin accelerated the rate towards respectability at 9 an over. A couple of late run outs left ABB with a sub-par total of 154 for 5, although given Darjeeling’s recent batting troubles it was by no means a given. Bowling figures were generally respectable, with Greg 4 overs, 0 for 20, Etienne 2 for 23, and Blikkies 1 for 24. Andrew Morris went for 15 in his first over before Captain Banerjee ruthlessly removed him from the attack, and both Brad and Shuggie going for 9 an over without a wicket.
So the chase began, or in the case of Brad, the leisurely amble. Blikkies decided to attack from the start (no change there then), whacking anything pitched up back past the bowler, and pulling anything short over mid wicket. So ferocious was his hitting that one shot saw his bat split in half lengthways, with one half nearly copping the square leg umpire. With Brad hitting just 2 fours the big unit was required to run far too many twos for his liking, with the pitch looking in danger at one point of being repainted with yesterday’s Snickers.
The result was never in doubt as the openers cantered (cross between a gallop – Blikks, and a walk – Brad) to the target in the 18th over, with Bliikies going to a brutal ton with a baseball shot which hit the academy on the full. 103 not out off just 69 balls, ably supported by Brad with a more conservative 37 at exactly a run a ball, and a 10 wicket win for the good guys for a change.
Back in the changing room the usual banter ensued with Elsabe promising Bliks rather more than just a massage as a reward for his ton, and a new bat for Christmas. Reverend Moses called for silence, and asked everyone to ponder the Thought For Today – the lost art of fingering… This was duly discussed, with thoughts ranging from the best techniques to how the decline in this practice is probably responsible for the world’s population problem. Ethan wisely refused the offer of a cold beverage as his Dad was waiting for him, and left with Greg’s encouragement to keep practicing the fingering to keep him busy for the next week.
A good performance all round and surely the dawn of a fresh winning streak for the mighty Darjeeling. Bring on Standard Chartered!!
After a quick intake of H2O we took the field as a unit. No need for Churchillian urgings I thought , a good total on the board and a team packed with experienced bowlers so no worries. Of course Greg Moses then says that due to a chronic fractured Eye lash he would rather not bowl! Did you know that Greg is part Saffer and part British? His eye lashes obviously come from North Wales! Then up pops the other demon mix of Sunderland and Cape Town, Jim the Vicar Grisdale. His injuries involved at least something visible in terms of a Rugby fall whilst training. However the bruising had reached a part of his anatomy that led to me declining any further inspection , “I believe you Jim, I am sure it is all black and blue as well” I retorted , backing away rapidly. Still no worries , I have the Dad and Son team of the Mariadason;s to be my demon strike bowlers and what a fantastic job they did! Dave opened up from the top end and had the ball swinging in like a boomerang , whilst young Rohan bowled a great line and length running in from the Academy end.
Dave struck twice in his second over and then Rohan bowled a peach that swung and moved off the pitch with his first ball of his second over. In walked the aforementioned Damien Brandy with his celebrity side teetering at 12 for 3. At this point in proceedings we are very fortunate in having several “specialist” slip fielders in our club. Apparently Ram , our new recruit is also one. However when Damien Brandy flashed at Rohan’s 5th delivery of his second over it was only me who was at first slip and although the ball thudded into my outstretched right palm , it also thudded out again!! Never mind I thought , it won’t be long before he has gone! Doh!
Dave bowled superbly for his 4-0-2-18 and was well backed up by young Rohan who finished with figures of 4-0-18-1. Take a bow that family!!
Debutant Ram was given the chance to show off his all-rounders skills and soon learned that bowling at the ICC is not always so easy. Especially when the reprieved Mr. Brandy decides he quite likes the length! Damian just basically tried to hit virtually every ball into space , and very nearly succeeded! Ross came on and bowled a tidy first over before Damien took a fancy to him as well , supported by Dan , the Darjeeling man who was also playing some shots. Ram came off slightly bruised with figures of 2-0-29-0 and Ross finished with 3-0-24-0
So the match entered what can in “clicheville” be called “the Crucial Phase” . Paul Shenks was brought into the firing line and 6 balls later the Brandy X1 where 12 runs nearer our total! I decided I could not hide anymore and brought myself on from the top end , 6 balls later and another 13 had been plundered including a massive 6 that cleared the gardens behind me! Paul gamefully continued, and all playing saw Damian go into overdrive and score a further 18 runs and all of a sudden we were deep in the Mulligatawny as my Indian friends often say!!
At the start of my second over I was in 3 or 4 minds in terms of what sort of ball to bowl to Damien who loomed very large at the other end of the wicket. So I bowled a wide. Obviously I had a bit of chat with their umpire , words like “harsh” and “really” where uttered! So next ball I lobbed one up and fully expected it to be dispatched for 6…… he missed it and it hit his back leg in front of middle and leg , everyone screamed and my mate the umpire triggered Mr. Golden Bollocks Brandy back to the pavilion!! Relief and high 5,s all around in the DCC camp!
Jim bravely hobbled in off a couple of paces for the next over going for only 5 and Dave M took a great catch in the deep to get rid of Dan before the next batsman was bowled by a specialty skuttle ball that never got above 2 inches after pitching, you know the sort of ball Stuie used to bowl all the time!
Jim then completed proceedings by being smashed for 19 off the last over by Posh Toms brother! He did not enjoy that at all but DCC had won by 25 runs or so. Jim finished with 2 overs for 26 and for me a flattering 3 overs 3 for 25.
The match was played in a great spirit , no dissent to the umpire (well just a little) and everyone in the DCC team played a part and contributed. It is why we are the greatest cricket club in the world , but then I may be biased!!!
As the Darjeeling faithful started to arrive at the ICC there was more than a few moans and groans about how long it takes for a Dubai summer to end and an Arab winter to begin! Too long was the conclusion and indeed it was very hot and sticky.
Our opponents for the day included several “ex” Darjeeling” wallahs “ and even our new member Dan was roped in , presumably because of his ability to stop a flaying cricket bat with his eye. Because of this familiarity with the opposition it was decided that DCC rule number 1 could not be invoked and instead a proper “Toss” took place out in the middle. Damian Brandy called incorrectly and I duly skipped back to our dressing room with the great news that the opposition had been duly inserted!
This match also marked the return to the fold of Ian P who had been lost in the wilderness for some time on some breeding programme and with his opening partner Brad Wissink they strode manfully to the crease to face the eclectic mix that made up the Brandy X1. It is fair to say that both of our openers took full advantage of some indifferent bowling but several of the bowlers where also capable of actually pitching one up AND on the stumps so some care was needed. After 5 overs we had reached 52 , with Ian dealing mainly in “thumps” of increasing violence around the park. Extras also contributed to the score with wide’s and “beamer” no balls aplenty!
After 10 overs drinks where taken and Ian announced that as he would also be keeping wicket it was time for a younger and fitter man to take over the batting duties from him. Well he said part of that anyway and he retired for a well-played 41 and the evergreen Greg Moses took his place.
You may not be aware that there is a lot of “history” and “previous” as the Londoners say between Greg and Brad. They have shared many things , literally apparently and they also love to make the other party run when batting together!! Each claims that he is the leader in all this but regardless an all run 4 , several run 3,s and more than a few 2,s took its toll on Greg and he top edged a catch when looking well set for 31. Oh Brad did chuckle!!!
The reformed Vicar of Dibley , formerly known as” Big Bad” Jim Grisdale took over from Greg and in his usual style smashed both bowlers for big 6,s and a disputed number of 4,s ( I was distracted whilst scoring!) before Brad laughed no more as he took a full bunger on his toe and was out LBW for an enterprising 68 and thus entered Ramesh , making his debut for DCC
Jim meanwhile was being beaten for pace by the returning Damian Brandy for a rapid 27 , Paul Shenk came and went , another victim of a rejuvenated Brandy leaving David and Ramesh to finish off our innings at 192 for 4 with Ram on 8 and David on 2.
As skipper I thought we should have reached 200 but also felt that this would be good enough to secure a comfortable victory. But did I mention a rejuvenated Damien Brandy…. I will shortly in Part 2 of this saga!!
We arrived to see da opponents warming up for da better part of an hour. Activities that would put most of us ous on our knees hay.
We where surprised to see no babelasses (hangovers) in da changing rooms. Our kaptein Nick had choosen to use da bat first and sent in da Dominator and Mnr Julius. Finking Mnr Julius would use dis rare opportunity with da bat, he got out cheaply caught behind for 1 walking after a wide where to be given. Da usual LBW shouts we are all remembering was in da match as well. I then walked in to support da Dominator. Getting a lucky 20 I was to be getting caught. Dis sent in da much awaited comeback from Rannie Dees. Getting dropped on da ous first ball… And den getting bowled fird ball was not the BIG standard we ous are all knowing of dis guy. Den da new guy Sheldon walked on to bring da run rate up scoring a vinnige 24 to help da Dominator dat was red in da face. Mnr Visser came in scoring 9 den getting bowled, playing around a straight one. Da kaptein and da Dominator got us to 138 after running 3 vinnige 2s in da last over with kaptein ending on 7 n.o and a mighty performance from da Dominator 64 n.o.
Having to dafend 138 we where having to bowl very very well. We stared wif Mnr Visser and Mnr Julius. Visser started offf well but den der where a few wides da next over from Julius going for 14. Da first breakfrew was from Vissier in his second over. Rohan den came on to replace Julius, starting offf wif a few wides da ou came right in his second over. Da new guy Sheldon took a fantastic catch stading at silly point off Rohans bowling after getting into da ous head bringing SA cricket sledges to Dubai.Da batsman stood der wif no belief of what happened.Rohans bowling figures ended off on 1-20 in 4. Da running between da wickets where to be very very poor giving us 2 run outs. Der kaptein was one of da ous getting run out which mad him very very angry so he frew his bat almost hitting Daves little man. Ash bowled well keeping it tight as a tiger getting 1 wicket for 21 in 4. Mnr Visser came back and got another wicket ending his spell on 2-29 in 4. Having no more bowling peoples because kapteins back was not leka we where forced to bring on Rannie Dees. Dis ou was going for a few but Dave was keeping it tight like a tiger winning us da game in da last over by hitting da ous stumps. Rannies figures where 1-24 in 3 and Daves 3-12 in 3.2
Dis getting us da win by 5 runs!
Im sure da Dominators face is still red, what a innings.
Friday saw DCC take on Abu Dhabi’s New York University cricket team at the picturesque Emirates Palace ground in the nation’s capital. A seven O’ Clock bus was arranged for Tom De Boinville, with everyone else making their own way there. One can only imagine that as he arrived at the palatial grounds first and alone, his thoughts must have flitted over an impromptu fox hunt.
The rest of the fellows arrived and the match began with DCC batting first, with Gazz Turner skippering.
Due to situations beyond my control, I was running late and approaching Abu Dhabi at 139km/h, changing into my whites on the way. My phone rang with car veering towards the hard shoulder and left shoelaces almost tied, and it was Gary, saying, ‘Don’t worry, all is well, 40 for none after 6’. Ah well, happy days then.
There was no golf cart on standby so I legged it over from the car park to the ground to find that things had changed.
’40 for none after 6’ had become ‘Oh fuck, here we go’.
Dannie was out (27), Tom was out (11).
Within minutes of me arriving, Andy Bowers was out and Bruno Bruney was in, much to the excitement of Gary’s boner. I’ve never seen a man so overjoyed for one of his mates to get a bat. I shudder at the thought of the cuckolding shenanigans that go on chez Turner while the Bruneys are visiting….
To cut a medium-length story short, we ended on a sub-par 140-odd after 20, with Rory ending on an unbeaten 13. The lowlight of the innings a suicidal second run by .Brown after he’d been looking pretty handy. Probably cost us the game, Jason.
Our bowling effort began poorly with me being despatched to all parts. Thankfully .Brown bowled tightly, realising he had to make amends for his poor running, returning figures of 4-1-21-2, including a maiden wicket in his first.
The scorecards in my possession suggest only one other wicket, a run out (by none other than .Brown), but I’m sure there was a caught behind by Danny (I forget the bowler, sorry. Gary?).
Amidst his advisor-to-the-umpire responsibilities, Saeed batted well and took the game away with an unbeaten 60-odd. If we had snaffled either of the two chances he gave us in the field, both off Ross’ bowling, the outcome could have been different, but it was not to be. It was one of those days, summed up for me by my bowling the last ball of my last over to the bunny – slow ball to give him the single and keep him on strike creamed over cow for 6.
Apart from Jason, all other bowlers’ returns were pretty average. Our score was reached with relative ease in about the 17th over.
Thanks to Etienne for bringing beverages, and the drive home felt like a 7-hour journey for me.
I believe the question still burning in everyone’s mind is, what the f&ck happened to Milo?
