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In the Test Match Special Radio commentary box are several well-known cricket commentators
“Welcome everyone! Richie Benaud (much missed) here in the box and It’s a lovely day at the ICC, the sun is shining not a cloud to be seen”
Tony Greig (not so much missed) -“ Richie you f**kwit we’re in Dubai, there’s never an f’n cloud in the sky!”
Darjeeling skipper Ben Jones won the toss and elected to bat
Henry Blofield… “ my dear old thing, that’s hardly surprising, it’s awfully warm out there!”
From the off Pete Kesby (30) caressed the ball to all parts including rather too well to mid-off causing Potty to be run out from a direct hit.
Richie now joined in the box by (wish he bloody would go missing) Geoffrey Boycott… “ trifle unlucky there I thought Geoffrey?”
Geoffrey… “bloody stupid!” My granny could have turned and got back quicker than that!”
An over or so later Kesby played a shot of such magnificence that David Gower would have creamed himself.
Blowers … “He’s batting like a millionaire… oh dear … hope I haven’t jinxed him… Ashiq comes into bowl its short, he cuts and oh dear…he’s out, caught at cover at the second attempt”
Geoffrey… “ that’s just bloody roobbish is that! My mum would have sent that to Abu Dhabi with a stick of Rhubarb!”
Glenn McGrath (yes we had the delights of old 5-0 himself in the radio test match special box this year) “Shut the fack up Boycott you old fart. You couldn’t hit a fackin football with your bat!” at this point a fight breaks out (though Geoffrey normally only hits his female partner) and Boycs is arrested resulting in TMS temporarily taken off air!
After the loss of 2 early wickets order was restored by Jacques (30) and Shugi (30 and a few)who batted brilliantly, running well between the wickets and dispatching every bad ball (there were a few) to the boundary.
At drinks, Darjeeling had smashed their way to 100ish for 2 (or something like that as its quite difficult to tell from the scorebook). After the much needed drinks break with skipper Jones urging his men on to greater things, play resumed…
4 balls later Darjeeling were 2 further wickets down…
Jaques bowled off his elbow… TMS back on air
Richie … “trifle unlucky there I thought?”
Very much adored if a bit clichéd Lancastrian, David “Bumble Lloyd… “that’s gotta hurt!”.
1 ball later…
Richie… “Masood, he’s a bit quicker through the air than you think, bowls, big shout, looks pretty straight to me… and he’s given him”.
Glenn covered in bruises from Geoffrey assaulting him earlier… “Looked fackin plumb to me! What the hell did they put in the fackin drinks?”
So a rescue act was called for and Darjeeling had just the man to do it, Saffer Viv (47 not out) and boy was it some rescue.
Tony … “This boy can smash it f’n miles” and so he did including one straight six that nearly killed a man in Sharjah.
Henry “He hit that one like a kicking horse, jolly good shot”.
In company with Shugi initially then with Jules (16 not out), Viv’s pyrotechnics got Darjeeling up to a more than competitive 172 for 5 off their 20 overs. Strangely on Shugi’s dismissal the match umpire limped off to get some pads on…
Much missed by all Yorkshiremen and pipe smokers Fred Trueman… “I just don’t know what’s going off ‘ere, I’ve never seen the like?” Fortunately the umpire was not required to sally forth to the wicket
Richie… “So Danish (Kaneiria) how do you think this one will go”
Danish… “Certain win for Wombats, I told the umpire exactly how many wides to give and which balls and”…. Short silence…” I think I just gave the game away didn’t I Richie?” Two men with handcuffs appear in the box to take Danish away!
The Wombats innings began with Viv opening from the football pitches end.
Glenn… “He’s fackin quick this bloke. If the Wombats opener got any closer to the square leg umpire he’d be taking one up the rear from him”
Blowers… “Yes indeed Glenn old boy, he bowls like the wind. Would you like another piece of chocolate cake?”
Geoffrey now out on bail… “Yea good idea, that’ll shut the stupid Aussie up will cake!” He’s not quick, now that Lillee and Thompson they were quick!”
Richie.. “ er Geoffrey… Didn’t you retire for a while when they were at their peak?” There is silence in the box …
And indeed Viv was fackin quick. Quickest thing this correspondent has seen for a while at club level. Even Omar, a fine player who has put Darjeeling to the sword on more than one occasion looked a trifle nervous. Viv and Shugi, slightly quicker than slow left arm, strangled the Wombats innings at birth. Although there were no early wickets, there weren’t many early runs either Viv going for just 5 off his 2 overs. Shugi was particularly unlucky having three chances missed including two in consecutive balls. Viv nearly getting a wicket from Jacques attempt at clawing in a full blooded hook shot from Omar
Richie.. “that was a trifle unfortunate for the bowler there..”
Tony.. “Well that’s a disaster! I just hope it doesn’t come back to haunt them… When you’ve got these boys down you’ve got to make them grovel!”
Jules was introduced into the attack and in his first over strayed a bit in line to allow the shackles to be released with 3 leg side 4’s but soon regained control in partnership with Krish who apart from a couple of wides found a lovely rhythm at a decent pace. At drinks despite no wickets down the Australian marsupials were miles behind the asking rate.
Bumble… “Bit of scoreboard pressure out there now ‘Enry?”
Blowers… “My dear old thing I do wish you’d stop talking exclusively in clichés but I know what you mean.”
Drinks worked their usual magic and in the first over after Jules induced the opener with an unpronounceable name to sky one to via his shoulder and head to Potty behind so at last a breakthrough.
Bumble.. “ that’s got to hurt!” Blowers… “ Oh for f***s sake Bumble, no more clichés!”
Sat 26th @ ICC
A humid and a bit unpleasant but not that bad evening greeted DCC on Saturday for the match against the unusually named Dubai Mammoths.
Skipper for the day Ash duly won the toss or invoked the 1st rule and DCC went in to bat. Jono and Watto opening up for the home side on what can only be described as a bit of a sticky wicket. Watto later claiming it reminded him of an English pitch in March.
DCC started well enough, not so many off the middle but runs nonetheless until Watto was bowled by Anil for 15 off 13 deliveries, Darjeeling 1/32 in the 5th over.
Rhys next in to bat putting on a 56 in 8 overs with Jono before he departed caught for 30 off 34 deliveries, the highlight being a 6 over deep extra cover. Darjeeling 2/88 in the 13th.
Jono joined at the crease by Lloydy, the former looking like he wasn’t sure whether to call for oxygen or water. A mini assault ensued with the score quickly moving to 125 in the 17th before Jono was run out for a well compiled 62 off 40 odd balls.
A couple of tidy overs from the Mammoth’s kept the scoring down over the last 3, DCC ending up 3/143 off the allotted 20. Julius 10 not out off 13 balls and Lloydy 16 from 16.
There was some debate as to the legitimacy of this being a decent score, the camp split over the pitch conditions v’s it’s just not enough farking runs.
With the pitch holding up a bit Ash opened the bowling with Nathan Williams who bowled some tidy inswingers and had the batsmen in all sorts of trouble. At one stage boasting figures of 0/1 off 2 overs with the lone run being a wide (ending up with 0/24 from 4).
Shugy opening with spin from the other end, first ball had the opener back in the pavilion with Jono taking a sharp one handed catch in slips diving away to his right. Very un-Darjeeling like. Shugy also taking another in his next over with the other opener caught at point and ending with impressive figures of 2/13 off 4.
Shugy and Williams in tandem reducing the opposition to 2/4 in 4 overs. DCC were smelling blood and the run rate spiralling.
This bought the batting pair of Sunil (18 off 21) and Jawed (44 off 40) together, Sunil in particular playing some inventive shots, the inside edge, the outside edge, the French cut, all to effect. When Julius was bought on and dispatched for 6 straight back over his head Sunil had indeed shown us his full array, the latter surprising nobody more than himself.
At drinks the oppo 3/49 needing about a hundred from the last 10 and hadn’t shown much with the bat to this point. 3/49 quickly turned to 5/76, with a wicket to Reece (1/31 off 4) and probably the run out of the century pulled off by Krish and yours truly (not really but need to get a mention in my own report). Oppo 5/81 in the 15th and needing a shade over 10 an over.
From here things got interesting, Shadab and Saqlain smashing the ball to and over the fence with regularity. Rama bearing the brunt of this going for around 20 from his one over and Ash 1/19 off his two.
With the runs required quickly dwindling Saqlain was removed by a fantastic running and diving catch in the outfield by Reece (I think he took 2 good catches from memory), DCC given a sniff with Saqlain departing for 25 off 12 balls.
2 overs to go, 15 needed, Lloydy on to ball. First ball… got ‘im well bowled. The over eventually going for 9 runs leaving 6 to get from the last over.
Julius entrusted with the last over, the dangerous Shadab at the non strikers end, Mammoths 7/138 needing 6 to win.
Wicket first ball, 8/138 shadab still at non strkers end.
The remaining balls went something like, 2, wide, dot, wide, 1, 4 with Saqlain hitting the winning runs off the penultimate ball.
On the surface it may seem like DCC snatching defeat from the jaws of victory however I suspect the oppo reversed the batting order to keep us in it…
Saqlain man of the match for his 37 from 12 balls.
As two members part our shore…
Characters for which there is much rapport,
A farewell fixture was held…
During which many folk excelled.
In the most part cricket was unrelated…
As Freddie the funnel kept us hydrated,
GT’s chosen men marched out…
Receiving many an early shout.
Umpire Drummond duly obliged…
To certain men’s surprise.
Unhappy mutterings from the fence…
His twitchy finger made matters tense.
Each player with 15 balls to face…
Dawson’s opener claimed a brace,
As Boin’s team turned the screw…
The oppo enjoyed more home brew.
Eventually the run rate increased…
Well the scoreboard said so at least,
Setting a formidable 224…
Really quite a total to score.
Thankful for Kymbo in a charitable mood…
For in his opener 32 accrued,
“Take a blow” his captain said…
For fine leg he willfully fled.
Just the 14 fielders to beat…
In an attempt to avoid defeat,
Boin inspired us with his chat…
Past the total did we bat.
Despite Boin the victorious departee…
Cricket won we’d all agree,
Roasted all day in the heat…
We retreated to the changing room suite.
So many men on one knee…
“Please no Jack Daniels” they did plea,
The next concoction down the hose…
Shamefully drenching Darjeeling clothes.
Then Shugie took the plunge…
On one knee did he lunge,
The technique was one to forget…
With OJ was he wet.
The speeches were all going so well…
With fond memories did we dwell,
Reminiscing of past ways…
As some eyes began to glaze.
Step up professional speaker…
Or rather attention seeker,
Tom , Tom, Tom, Tom the speech did go…
If only someone struck him a blow.
The refreshments did not stop there…
As the evening events were laid bare.
To some establishment did we flock…
Might as well have been Bangkok.
We wish Boin and GT goodbye…
For home soil they do fly,
Enjoy England’s finest dross…
Perhaps one day you’ll hit a full toss!
[vc_row type=”container” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=””][vc_column][vc_column_text]DCC vs Dubai Stallions
By 8.15am on Saturday morning, Darjeeling CC had already achieved its first victory of the day. The welcome sight of Gully, who had wisely decided to settle down for an early night almost five hours earlier, striding languidly across the car park of the Sevens ground meant that DCC had mustered a playing 11 (albeit in the second over of the match). The opposition for this decisive tournament fixture was the Dubai Stallions, a prospect which simultaneously bewildered and intimidated young Brian – was selection based on girth or length? He made a mental note to investigate further….
It was the morning after the night before and while Dubai’s privileged classes slept soundly, DCC’s most committed cricketers roused themselves from their slumbers at an ungodly hour; all were bleary-eyed, many with pounding headaches and a few still drunk.
With adroitness that would have had Kofi Annan nodding in silent approval, Jules expertly negotiated the toss (“You bat, we bowl? OK?) to ensure DCC would be back under the shade of the pavilion’s veranda before the sun had risen high in the cornflower blue sky.
As Jules paced out his run-up, Jonno proudly presented a cobalt blue tongue to the slip cordon as proof of his earlier antics in Rock Bottom. However, this only raised speculation that his preparation for the match had involved going down on an aging Smurfette – shenanigans he has neither confirmed nor denied…
While minds wandered, Julius bounded in for the first over with the vivacity of a young bullock and a determination to fell the Stallions opening batsmen at the first hurdle. Israr, with clear eyes and a full heart, opened from the other end and, with his first ball, induced a snick which Jonno lapped up (Granny Smurfette was still etched into the forefront of the mind at this point). There followed one of the tightest opening partnership spells in DCC’s recent history with just 34 being conceded from the first seven overs.
The cherry was then given to Gully to tighten the stranglehold and dispatch the Stallions onward to the glue factory. 10 balls later, and having fed the pony (a manoeuvre honed at the Sea View Hotel), he was thanked for his labours and sent back to sweep on the boundary. Down, but not out.
The change bowlers were effective and economical. As ever, Big Ben displayed his benevolence to the opposing batsman in generously providing ball-by-ball instruction on how best to play his deliveries. Not so much a horse whisperer as a steed shouter. Although the sentiment was compassionate, the result was ineffective as evidenced by his tidy spell of 1-19 off four – a tricky catch snaffled by Israr with consummate ease.
Tim Davy, now struggling for work as a Peter Crouch look-a-like as the long-legged footballer’s career wanes, took a sharp caught-and-bowled and proved near impossible to be get away – a six off his last ball blighting more-than-respectable figures of 1-23 off four.
Who is the most aggressive man in the club? Well, if you were to ask the Stallions, the Croydon terrier with the look and temperament of Ari Gold would be the collective response. Perhaps confusing cricket for baseball following a recent spell in the US, Brian literally went for the knock-out blow delivering two beamers in quick succession. Two strikes and you’re out here unfortunately. The intimidation tactics backfired and an apoplectic Brian was sent back to the serenity of deep extra-cover having only supplied the cowering batsman with five legitimate deliveries.
With one delivery still required to complete the over, De Boinville eagerly grabbed the ball like a fat kid grabbing a ball. He then demonstrated great sportsmanship to the clearly traumatized batter, bowling the gentlest off-break every seen on a cricket pitch. The reprieve was welcome and the ball deservedly carted over cow corner for a maximum.
It was time to circle the wagons and the Rhinestone Cowboy, Gully, having now sobered up, roared in with true Aussie grit bowling an inspired spell which included two wickets in two balls. He finished for a superb 3-26 off four. By this point in the proceedings, the Stallions resembled little more than shire horses and DCC took pity, slackening the reins and dropping two dollys (form is temporary, class in permanent). There is no ‘I’ in ‘team’ so it would not be fair to single out such individuals and the team should take responsibility. (Butter-fingers) Lee Dawson bowled tightly at the death and a sub-par total of 159 had been set by the Stallions off the allotted 25 overs for the loss of eight wickets.
The damp outfield (allegedly as moist as a young married French woman who had been cornered and chatted up by a few DCC charmers in Bidi Bondi) was beginning to dry and speed-up as the temperature hit 30C and confidence amongst DCC’s top order was high.
Openers Chris Neal and De Boinville saddled up and went out to the middle with the intention of battering the Stallions until they were flogging a dead horse (crow-barred in). The first few overs went to plan, with De Boinville seizing on every delivery and crashing the ball all over the park with such brutality against the equine-dubbed opposition that alerts were sounded at both PETA and the RSPCA. Each whip-like crack sent the ball in a perfect parabola toward the boundary until the human-mortar was prematurely silenced; caught at mid-on for 17 off 9.
Stylish left-hander Chris Neal provided good support with some elegant shots off both front and back foot. He was ably encouraged by the vulpine Israr from the non-strikers end; regrettably, when it came time for the number three all-rounder to face the bowling himself, he was unable to provide any further assistance and was out for a duck. Wickets continued to tumble like riders at Becher’s Brook and at 4-48, the match was hanging in the balance.
As the volume of the Stallions’ whinnying increased, and the vociferous appeal which followed every ball grew ever more tedious, it was up to Brian and Jonno to play the role of farrier, de-shoeing the petulant Stallions for good. With ever-increasing confidence and ability, this is exactly what they accomplished in constructing a partnership of 92. It was at this point that Jonno, having hit consecutive fours, declared that he was truly ‘in the zone’ before planting the following delivery into point’s hands for a valuable 37 . For the Stallions it was too late and DCC had slammed the stable door shut on the metaphorical bolting horse breaking several of its vertebrae in the process. It only remained for Big Ben to emerge with his shotgun and put the beast out of its misery.
Out the broad-shouldered Kiwi strode with a look in his eye that declared he was not only there to see DCC home, but that there would be no mercy in his actions. The bowler ran in. Thud. A few reverent nods and a smile from the umpire. Seconds ticked away. Like Tom Drummond on a dance floor, the umpire’s finger was raised skywards in the most contentious of decisions. Ben, utterly perplexed, took a deep breath, nodded acknowledgement to the umpire and tucked his bat under his arm before making the long walk back to the hutch. He knew a bad decision had been pronounced on this morning, but ‘the umpire’s judgement is final and must always be respected’ he informed his stunned teammates.
In any case, Brian (who in no way resembles a jockey) was riding these Stallions like AP McCoy at Cheltenham and the finish line was within reach. The final furlong consisted of Jules and the beamer-loving, man-of-the-match viciously thrashing the bowling over an ever-constricting field – the only valid theory for such poor decision-making by the Stallions captain was that he had Ketamined-up during the drinks break, having considered the floccinaucinihilipilification of his predicament, and was dozing in the paddock.
Ultimately, DCC won at a canter with six overs and four wickets to spare and knew that if they took down one of the planet’s most docile mammals, the Wombats, they would be in the final. The Stallions departed for the stables with their tails (despite having spend 40+ ball in the middle, Brian was none-the-wiser…) between their legs. A happy DCC team departed for home with the promise of more horse play and the rasping tones of Tina Turner’s early-90’s classic ‘(Simply) The Best’ ringing in their ears.
Given the eventual ease with which DCC took down the Stallions, it would be disappointing if the culling of a lowly Australian marsupial were not realised next week.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
On a chilly but pleasant evening DCC faced ABB at the ICC. Jono skippered, lost the toss & was put into bat. Jono & Tom De B opened & scored freely for the first few overs, Tom falling to a doubtful lbw decision for 28. In came Blickies & was immediately given out first ball lbw to the same bowler in similar fashion. Next up was Brad & employed his much maligned accumulative style, scoring freely, albeit 1s & 2s. Jono fell soon after for a healthy 44. Chris Neal contributed with a nice 24, as did Andrew Kirk (8), Tom Drummond (10), Abel (7) & Nick (3no), Brad finishing up being run out on 35 being the backbone of the innings. Innings total – 176 off 22 overs, seemed sub-par at the time, non-the-less defendable.
Opening the bowling was Nick (5o, 0w, 29r) & Jules (5o, 1w, 28r) with some good, tight, clinical fast bowling, restricting the opposition big hitters to the occasional loose shot. This was followed up by Blickies (4o, 2w, 21r) with much of the same, the opposition unable to get much away, seemingly unable to get their timing right. Next up was Rich (4o, 3w, 25r), Darjeeling’s leading exponent of the art of “shit gets wickets”, keen to make amends for last week’s nightmare, sprayed the ball around a bit until he dished up some dollies for the miss-timing batsmen to find “bucket-hands” Drummond in the deep. Valuable contributions to the bowling were made towards the end by Chris Neal (2o, 1w, 9r) & Andrew Kirk (2o, 2w, 16r).
In summary, DCC won by about 25 runs because I can’t read the score book. A polished & satisfying all round performance to keep the unbeaten run going for another week. Honorary mention to Jono for his professional captaincy.
Abandon hope all Ye who enter here………………….
Pirates don’t do Valentines aarrrrrrrrr they do Cricket arrrgg.
So the 11 lost souls forever condemned to Captain Davey Jones locker, decided to play the land lubber game of cricket avast.
By virtue of elimination Gul dog selected J.Dot to captn said team of scurvy dogs, hence fore he shall be known as Captain Hook, for his love of the short ball arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (more on that later).
The opposition was late by process their cur dog of a Captain could not use his sextant and arrived late, some form of land device known as email was used as an excuse, but we made them have a choice of field or be keelhauled. They chose the former and Captain Hook armed his sailers with wooden swords known as bats. Avast ye sea scum, batten down the hatches as we will let loose Bilge Boy Blikkes to plunder and pillage the bowling attack!
Accompanying Bilge Boy was Brad “the Glacier” Wissink know for his exploits with Romanian Gypsies, Glacier is not deferring to his Ice cool temperament but his strike rate in said T20. So haul up the sails and make hast me lads as it gets stormy. Bilge Boy wielded his sword and took the Eagles to task, but was cheated of his wicket by ricochet from the keepers armour and was stumped for a quick 21 off 16, back to swabbing the deck for you Bilge Boy.
Meanwhile the Glacier was ebbing forward and steadily ensuring the scoreboard ticked over, Chris “Cut Throat” Neal joined the Glacier and started well until the natives captured him with the old playing back to a spinner ploy, bowled he was and for his crimes he was banished to the brig to think on his crimes, I ordered the cat o nine tails but a mutiny called for few lashings only. Jamie “Cabin Boy” then upped the rate with a few lusty blows, and some cricket shots as well. However he let his Captain down by committing Hari Kari the Japanese pirate suicide. Run out for 29 off 18. The Glacier kept advancing, the ice age cometh……
The ship was listing badly now, and it was inevitable that she would go down to Davy Jones locker with all crew aboard. Able seaman “Able”, chipped in with 10 bowled, by a sea urchin, and the Glacier was the bizarrely stumped after he ran from his crease after the keeper managed to finally keep a ball in his Krakken arms, this surprised the Glacier so much he went looking for mermaids somewhere about mid pitch and the krakken removed the bails, thus ending the ice age.
Still his 45 from 49 kept us afloat whilst others were floundering in the deeps. Arrrrrrrrr Avast ye.
This left 13 balls for Captain Hook to do something, hooking wasn’t it and he has his capstan removed trying to cut (the head off) a straighter delivery. So we rounded the cape of good hope and the Saffa’s joined with Viv “the Gentleman” Botha making a cameo 7 off 3 and Brian “Bosun” Williams not out on 8 with Tim “Tall Timber” Davy not out dead eye’s 0. So the good ship Darjeeling ran around for 156 off 20 and no treasure in sight, avast the wretched albatross of bad fortune!
As all good captains do, I rounded on the crew and blamed them, I also flogged them mercilessly and removed rum privileges. At the same time I looked at the stores and decided to open up with the big guns on deck. Unfortunately Greg “The Deserter” had deserted, we will find you and keelhaul you deserter.
The map to the rest of this story is missing just like our treasure, the scurvy dogs destroyed the evidence and we only have anecdotal tales of whoa and despair.
The Gentleman lived up to his name being very nice to almost blast the opposition out of the water with his big guns firing twin salvo’s arrrrrrrrrrrrr 2/21 from 4 ye scurvy lad, Cut Throat taking 2 behind point. Gul Dog bowled like a busted arse, and needed to have a rest on a desert island, after going for more than required, 0/26 from 3.
Krishna “Hare Rama” used all 6 of his arms to deceive the Eagles, but his navigation was off at times, leading to a 2/26 from 3, though I swear arrrrrrrr with a few more months at sea he will improve. Bosun was bowling well, using some sort of sling to catapult the ball down the wicket, when tragedy struck and he jammed his finger in the mechanism and had to have it amputated, at the elbow. bowling figures lost at sea.
Tall Timber was useful but one of the opposition took a liking to his offerings in his last over, again poor record keeping has left us with no answer to is he any good, he’s tall and offered the capt that he had a 4th in him.
I disagreed and sent him to the briny depths (third man).
Bilge Boy was asked to plunder some more and obliged even without a snickers, death bowling is his forte and he deliver some fatal blows as sharks sensed blood in the waters, and a feeding frenzy started. 2/million off 4
Capt Hook rolled his hook down at the death as well, had his wooden leg break on the second ball, and could then only bowl off 3 steps, Still entertaining and less runs than Cut throat…………arrrrrrrrrrrr
This left us with Cut Throat and 21 req, dishing up a compass wide first ball he tempted the gods with the reducing target, next ball despatched to the boundary and it was suddenly all on, a 2 from the next ball leaving them with 14 req off 3, thanks Cut Throat…….still a third run out ensured victory for HMS Darjeeling. Arrrrrr
Other highlights, Jamie “Cabin Boy” slipping like bambi on ice due to no spikes,green grass and dew, he actually winded himself once……….Roger the cabin boy would be more useful arrrrrrr.
Viv the Gentleman also almost killing himself on the boundary trying to stop a ball.
The 3 way fake run out, 1 take shot at stumps with no one at the stumps miss by a nautical miles, 2 wait for batsman to try to steal a second run, 3 have the fielder who backed up the 1st throw hit stumps, Pirate win.
The hit it back to the bowler run out, 1 hit slow full toss straight back to bowler, 2 have the non striker batsman run the entire length of pitch, 3 easiest run outs ever.
Cameo appearance, Danny “Shoeless” Rees, fielded for 3 overs when the Bosun went for amputation.
So despite running aground on the rocks HMS Darjeeling was re-floated and plundered all and sundry, with wenches kidnapped for good measure and rum rations restored for all……..
After winning the toss and choosing to bat, DCC made a terrific start with both Nathan and Jono scoring freely in the powerplay. With the loss of Nathan (for a breezy 30) and the field spread for the slower bowlers the scoring slowed slightly in the middle overs. Jono and Dannie picked up ones and twos until an over of 22 broke the shackles.
When Dannie was finally out ( his final score being 32 for 5), it was left to Jono and the middle order (Ben/Raj) to see DCC to a very competitive score of 174 of which Jono’s contribution was a fine 76.
In reply Omnicom were never really in with a shout. Dave and Rich opened the bowling and both picked up early wickets. All the bowlers were backed up well in the field with some excellent ground fielding and an enthusiastic keeper who picked up a couple of stumpings.
With Gully and myself brought on to relieve the openers, the required rate continued to climb with wickets falling at regular intervals. There were a few lusty blows which never threatened the Darjeeling win and Raj mopped up with 4 wickets. He narrowly missed out on a hatrick with a fine display of controlled, accurate bowling.
The game was finished in style with an excellent diving catch from Jamie and we were able to enjoy a slightly earlier beverage due to finishing the bout within the distance.
Another enjoyable victory. A lovely way to spend a beautiful afternoon .
Greetings all from your jolly tall safa
As I sat very early indeed at the Icc admiring its brilliant facilities my wife mentioned to me that it was already 13h10 and the game is starting at 13h30 (according to my brilliant email reading) I started feeling a little drop of sweat brewing on my forehead… Had I got it all wrong are we playing at the 7s??? I did a quick 100m dash to the reception which resulted in me almost rupturing my spleen and had a quick chat with the receptionist ( and I did not swear I promise ) and he took 1 look at me and said yes Darjeeling are playing at 2pm, well I was relieved.
Now onto cricket, Captain Mike Tyson (Jono) still rushing with adrenalin from his 12 rounds in the ring with a lad the night before LOST the toss and we were put into field. Greg Moses opened the attack and bowled with some fire and aggression and was unlucky not to take a wicket but finished with 3-0-11. From the other end Viv had a go and bowled with the slightest amount of aggression and was quite polite in complimenting the batsmen on how he has the ability to play such unorthodox cricket strokes… ( well thats how I remembered it at least ) 4-1-28 good catch from Krish at covers. Blikkies then came into the attack with the drip still attached from the hospital and bowled a tight first over then the fever from his ebola took charge in the second and he fetched a straight drive 6 finishing with 2-0-15. Kesby the aussie spin destroyer bowled with some fine turn and restricted the hackers ending with 4-2-26, Sir Ash bowled a fine spell bamboozeling the batsmen ripping through them with brilliant figures of 3.5-3-27. Krish had the luck of the Irish with him and as they say s#%t takes wickets and he proceeded to take 2 quick wickets off full tosses and one which went down leg and got hit straight to Kesby at short fine leg however wickets are wickets. So the Hackers aka hard hitters were restricted by good bowling and brilliant fielding ( as there were only 2 drop catches which I think is a new record for DCC, jolly good show lads ) for a mere 128 all out in the 19th over.
Captain Jono Tyson opened the batting with a rather pale looking Blikkies, the fever got the better of him and he perished without troubling the scorers and just made it off the pitch where he rolled over and proceeded to almost cough up a lung ( get well soon mate ). In came Greg Moses who got a peach of a nut and got bowled for a uncharacteristic 6. Brad came in at 4 and batted around captain Jono who batted wonderfully and they put on a decent partnership until Jono took revenge on Brad for running him out when he was 16 years old hitting it onto the bowlers foot which hit the stumps at the other end running Brad out for a hard fought 15. Jono however began to re-enact his previous night and started to slap the bowlers to all corners of the ground. Chris at square leg called a no ball as Hitters “spinner” chucked one which resulted in their Captain dropping his lip and walking off the field. We needed a diplomatic person here to save the day and none so other than the Cool headed Tall safa Viv to offer his skills at square leg and so the game continued. Jamie batting with some fine timing of the ball ticked the score board over until Jono decided to get bowled with a fine knock of 81 thus bringing Kirky to the crease who eased the last 3 runs needed off 2 balls. Jamie finishing on 11 not out. DCC winning by 7 wickets. Some shook hands afterwards most went sulking off but we had a good laugh in the change rooms with some beverages and ended up at the Els club for a few pints!
Ps… beware of the hand dryer in the ICC changeroom its the spawn of Satan….
Cheers
Viv ( the polite bowler )
There’s a certain glow one feels when you arrive at the ground for the Darjeeling inter-club Christmas match and the smiles that greet you are both friendly and warm. But, if you look closely you can detect a hint of something else. As a child you’d share that smile with your friend just as you agreed to bunk off school; as a teenager, before you were about to get laid; a smile that promises tomfoolery to come with a soupçon of vice……………….nice.
Stark differences were apparent on meeting the two skippers of the day. The Southern hemisphere skipper, Greg Moses looked stoic and fit (now that he can bench press his own body weight); Gary (True Grit) Turner on the other hand appeared at best grim and at worst like death after five seconds in the microwave (now that his two day marathon drinking session was over). Imagine therefore, Gary’s glee of learning that our little warm-up session was to be a 100 metre dash across the pitch at the team briefing………but did baulk at the idea? Did he fook! Gary, Turner……..True grit!
A week ago or so, I sent around a mail requesting some of the players’ vital statistics which, I’m sure mildly irritates people (I thank yee all for humouring me), but all bar one was duly returned with some interesting results. For those of you with an occasional fetish for useless information – below a summary of the stats:
- The average age of the squads was 37.5 years old
- Average height, 180cm (5’10¾)
- The average BMI, 29 – which, if the Darjeeling Cricket Club Christmas Club squad were a country
would make us the fattest in the world bar Tonga & Micronesia (well, it is Christmas afterall……!) - Members below 6 feet lie about their height…….Julius, 5’11”? ………per-leeease…!
- The average time we’ve ever run the 100m (from the sensible answers) is 14 seconds
- Our allergies include; pineapple, alcohol, non-alcoholic drinks, virgins (not sure how he found out about that one – would have been fun testing it though), Jagermeister, 4x4s with baby-on-board stickers, pollen, pretentious ar*eholes, Palestinian Bankers, furry dice, penicillin, top quality spin bowlers and a couple of Darjeeling members! (no names of course!)
- The average weight is 94kg (14 stone, 12lb in old money)
The reason for acquiring the statistics was not to set up a dating site (as was suggested) but to set a handicap for our 100 metre sprint across pitch (which I once again miscalculated). So after the team briefing and sweepstake draw we had a little pre-warm up session with Ben Jones’ camp scissor step manoeuvre catching the eye. We lined up in our selected rows with poor young slim Jason Stewart looking to make up 8.5 seconds to the high-handicappers. The young and fit never stood a chance, J Dot cut the ribbon first, Dommett pulled a hamstring and despite my best efforts of pulling him back, I was pipped at the line by Johno (….the shame of it). Coco came up the rear. We then sauntered off to the changing rooms muttering & cursing under our breath between gasps of air.
GT won the toss and elected to bat, opening with Cockcrusher (Coco) and the Beast (Badger).
It being Christmas and Darjeeling having a penchant for playing silly-buggers, all batsmen took a swig of good-ol-Jagermeister before striding out and for all bowlers (and returning batsmen), a jager-jelly was dished out by the umpire complete with freezer bag over their shoulder.
Neither stuck around for long despite Etienne’s purposeful drop off Coco’s skied leading edge (he was later heavily-fined). This brought Juggernaut Mooney and the Dominator to the crease with Julius in particular smashing fours to all parts of the ground. Chris, with a knackered hammy, was less enthusiastic between the wickets than his usual scampering-self. Chris Bridle was half way out to the square to act as runner before (you’ll never guess) Badger came bounding on to act as Chris’ legs (apparently, he wanted to get in the game…!). Chris was visibly distressed/amused (delete as appropriate).
All in all, the North had three retirements (as we were playing Taverners’ rules); Julius, Dommett & Me). There was a couple of memorable moments that exemplified/tested the ‘spirit-of-the-game’ Firstly, Julius claiming and GT awarding five penalty runs after Gully’s delivery was hit by Chris on to his cap lying behind/near the stumps and secondly, me being recalled by Greg and others after being giving out by Coco LBW some way out of his crease. Indeed, the exuded body language of the South at half time as they strode off avoiding eye contact and the offering of water was akin to that of the Australian’s during the Bodyline series against Jardine’s England (well similar to that from that series that was on the telly anyway).
Rich Hallows, Lee Dawson and Julius (on his second innings) all chipped in, but the total of 158 after the North’s 22 overs always looked 30 runs short. The South had three notable bowlers to speak of namely (Velvety) Etienne (3 overs, one wicket for 10 runs), Jason Stewart (3 overs for 14) and Jason (Breathless) Brown (3 overs, three for 14)….well bowled Gentlemen.
The Southern Hemisphere opened with (Sensitive) CD & Nathan (Caring) Cartright and for a while it looked they were making a game of it. They scrapped and scrabbled about and were just 20 odd after 6 overs. Chris Bridle (great to have you back in the squad by the way) forgot he was playing cricket as he chested one down from CD’s miscued drive (both umpires heard the distinct drumming sound of leather on ribcage). CD eventually found himself (to be joining many others) in Badger’s famous hutch as Nathan fell to……err someone else…?
Potty, usually effective, failed to impress and one Mr. Nick Lloyd was less than impressed after being run out cheaply. When cordially reminded of his duty to take his obligatory jager jelly whilst marching off, was heard to retort “well f**king bring it here then…!” (ooooo-oooo!).
Andrew Kirk, managed to better his previous Darjeeling batting effort (by facing a ball) and just made it to double figures
but was dismissed before reaching twenty.
The winner of the sprint, Mr. Breathless Brown was next to the crease and from the minute he took his jelly and guard, looked purposeful and determined to make his twenty and retire. Joined by Ben Jones, the big guns had definitely arrived. In reply, True Grit whipped out his cock-crushing secret-weapon and Ms. Caroline Toussaint was thrown the ball. Twenty minutes later, both Big Guns were back in the paddock, both falling victim to Coco’s charms in spectacular fashion. Firstly, Ben, playing forward was bowled with Coco getting the best of his length and secondly, Jason, honey-trapped in as he smashed Coco (Jason’s length, definitely shorter than Bens’) in to the deep only to pick our Richard Hallows with laser-point-accuracy. Both J Dot and Richard wore the same “WTF??” expression (both in total disbelief…..for different reasons). But in the end Mr. Brown had to go and take his goodbye jaeger-bomb.
Next in was the South’s skipper, Mr Greg Moses who’d been swaggering around all day with his chin raised more above horizontal than Agmal’s arm is bent. He marched to the crease and took very little time in stamping his authority on the game with True Grit falling prey to a very brief but very brutal onslaught (with Greg’s 20 coming in just 7 balls). The North lost 22 runs in that over and the tide had tipped. In short, the South’s tail didn’t merely wag but beat the North’s bowlers to all corners. Etienne, too finding the middle made his retirement runs thereby, bringing Kymbo & Gully (10 & 11) to the crease.
True Grit looked deep into his arsenal and brought Coco back into the attack with Badger chirping away to Gully about being dismissed by the fairer sex. Gully’s reply was to play a beautiful slog sweep off one knee from a Miss Toussaint full toss that looked to be heading straight to the awaiting Badger at deep backward square leg. There are two-sides to every story and I think it’s only fair to share both.
Badger: “…it flew well over my head and miles over the boundary”
The Entire Southern Hemisphere: “…it went through your hands mate”
Personally, I believe Badger.
That shot did, however, make the run chase far simpler with both Gully and Kym finding the boundary fence. With two and a half overs to go Gully was dismissed (for the second time that over) which brought back Mr. Moses and the game was all but lost. There was a bit of hand-bagging round the boundary and on the pitch over bowlers and batsmen not used (I felt …….it was just the right amount of animosity) as the last few deliveries were bowled. But with the winning runs hit hands were firmly shaken and bums warmly slapped as we headed off to the changing room to read out the book and the fines.
Sugee won AED 400 on the sweepstake for pulling out Breathless Brown and I wish I could remember more about the fines (duly punished Vodka and yet more Jager shots) of which some were brilliant. Afterwards, I think all bar two or three then headed to the Els club for dinner and the promise of AED10 drinks. A great session was had including a revival of obscure Darjeeling XI’s – this time we had the Psychologists’ XI (as, in those of need of seeing one). I believe it was Ben Jones that picked up on a running theme, i.e. that the majority were South African (and all agreed most were decent players….!). Perhaps, a new question to be added to the membership questionnaire?
On a personal note, congratulations to the South (again) on winning the match and thank you to everyone for being such a good sport and making it such a memorable day (and night).