There’s a certain glow one feels when you arrive at the ground for the Darjeeling inter-club Christmas match and the smiles that greet you are both friendly and warm. But, if you look closely you can detect a hint of something else. As a child you’d share that smile with your friend just as you agreed to bunk off school; as a teenager, before you were about to get laid; a smile that promises tomfoolery to come with a soupçon of vice……………….nice.
Stark differences were apparent on meeting the two skippers of the day. The Southern hemisphere skipper, Greg Moses looked stoic and fit (now that he can bench press his own body weight); Gary (True Grit) Turner on the other hand appeared at best grim and at worst like death after five seconds in the microwave (now that his two day marathon drinking session was over). Imagine therefore, Gary’s glee of learning that our little warm-up session was to be a 100 metre dash across the pitch at the team briefing………but did baulk at the idea? Did he fook! Gary, Turner……..True grit!
A week ago or so, I sent around a mail requesting some of the players’ vital statistics which, I’m sure mildly irritates people (I thank yee all for humouring me), but all bar one was duly returned with some interesting results. For those of you with an occasional fetish for useless information – below a summary of the stats:
- The average age of the squads was 37.5 years old
- Average height, 180cm (5’10¾)
- The average BMI, 29 – which, if the Darjeeling Cricket Club Christmas Club squad were a country
would make us the fattest in the world bar Tonga & Micronesia (well, it is Christmas afterall……!) - Members below 6 feet lie about their height…….Julius, 5’11”? ………per-leeease…!
- The average time we’ve ever run the 100m (from the sensible answers) is 14 seconds
- Our allergies include; pineapple, alcohol, non-alcoholic drinks, virgins (not sure how he found out about that one – would have been fun testing it though), Jagermeister, 4x4s with baby-on-board stickers, pollen, pretentious ar*eholes, Palestinian Bankers, furry dice, penicillin, top quality spin bowlers and a couple of Darjeeling members! (no names of course!)
- The average weight is 94kg (14 stone, 12lb in old money)
The reason for acquiring the statistics was not to set up a dating site (as was suggested) but to set a handicap for our 100 metre sprint across pitch (which I once again miscalculated). So after the team briefing and sweepstake draw we had a little pre-warm up session with Ben Jones’ camp scissor step manoeuvre catching the eye. We lined up in our selected rows with poor young slim Jason Stewart looking to make up 8.5 seconds to the high-handicappers. The young and fit never stood a chance, J Dot cut the ribbon first, Dommett pulled a hamstring and despite my best efforts of pulling him back, I was pipped at the line by Johno (….the shame of it). Coco came up the rear. We then sauntered off to the changing rooms muttering & cursing under our breath between gasps of air.
GT won the toss and elected to bat, opening with Cockcrusher (Coco) and the Beast (Badger).
It being Christmas and Darjeeling having a penchant for playing silly-buggers, all batsmen took a swig of good-ol-Jagermeister before striding out and for all bowlers (and returning batsmen), a jager-jelly was dished out by the umpire complete with freezer bag over their shoulder.
Neither stuck around for long despite Etienne’s purposeful drop off Coco’s skied leading edge (he was later heavily-fined). This brought Juggernaut Mooney and the Dominator to the crease with Julius in particular smashing fours to all parts of the ground. Chris, with a knackered hammy, was less enthusiastic between the wickets than his usual scampering-self. Chris Bridle was half way out to the square to act as runner before (you’ll never guess) Badger came bounding on to act as Chris’ legs (apparently, he wanted to get in the game…!). Chris was visibly distressed/amused (delete as appropriate).
All in all, the North had three retirements (as we were playing Taverners’ rules); Julius, Dommett & Me). There was a couple of memorable moments that exemplified/tested the ‘spirit-of-the-game’ Firstly, Julius claiming and GT awarding five penalty runs after Gully’s delivery was hit by Chris on to his cap lying behind/near the stumps and secondly, me being recalled by Greg and others after being giving out by Coco LBW some way out of his crease. Indeed, the exuded body language of the South at half time as they strode off avoiding eye contact and the offering of water was akin to that of the Australian’s during the Bodyline series against Jardine’s England (well similar to that from that series that was on the telly anyway).
Rich Hallows, Lee Dawson and Julius (on his second innings) all chipped in, but the total of 158 after the North’s 22 overs always looked 30 runs short. The South had three notable bowlers to speak of namely (Velvety) Etienne (3 overs, one wicket for 10 runs), Jason Stewart (3 overs for 14) and Jason (Breathless) Brown (3 overs, three for 14)….well bowled Gentlemen.
The Southern Hemisphere opened with (Sensitive) CD & Nathan (Caring) Cartright and for a while it looked they were making a game of it. They scrapped and scrabbled about and were just 20 odd after 6 overs. Chris Bridle (great to have you back in the squad by the way) forgot he was playing cricket as he chested one down from CD’s miscued drive (both umpires heard the distinct drumming sound of leather on ribcage). CD eventually found himself (to be joining many others) in Badger’s famous hutch as Nathan fell to……err someone else…?
Potty, usually effective, failed to impress and one Mr. Nick Lloyd was less than impressed after being run out cheaply. When cordially reminded of his duty to take his obligatory jager jelly whilst marching off, was heard to retort “well f**king bring it here then…!” (ooooo-oooo!).
Andrew Kirk, managed to better his previous Darjeeling batting effort (by facing a ball) and just made it to double figures
but was dismissed before reaching twenty.
The winner of the sprint, Mr. Breathless Brown was next to the crease and from the minute he took his jelly and guard, looked purposeful and determined to make his twenty and retire. Joined by Ben Jones, the big guns had definitely arrived. In reply, True Grit whipped out his cock-crushing secret-weapon and Ms. Caroline Toussaint was thrown the ball. Twenty minutes later, both Big Guns were back in the paddock, both falling victim to Coco’s charms in spectacular fashion. Firstly, Ben, playing forward was bowled with Coco getting the best of his length and secondly, Jason, honey-trapped in as he smashed Coco (Jason’s length, definitely shorter than Bens’) in to the deep only to pick our Richard Hallows with laser-point-accuracy. Both J Dot and Richard wore the same “WTF??” expression (both in total disbelief…..for different reasons). But in the end Mr. Brown had to go and take his goodbye jaeger-bomb.
Next in was the South’s skipper, Mr Greg Moses who’d been swaggering around all day with his chin raised more above horizontal than Agmal’s arm is bent. He marched to the crease and took very little time in stamping his authority on the game with True Grit falling prey to a very brief but very brutal onslaught (with Greg’s 20 coming in just 7 balls). The North lost 22 runs in that over and the tide had tipped. In short, the South’s tail didn’t merely wag but beat the North’s bowlers to all corners. Etienne, too finding the middle made his retirement runs thereby, bringing Kymbo & Gully (10 & 11) to the crease.
True Grit looked deep into his arsenal and brought Coco back into the attack with Badger chirping away to Gully about being dismissed by the fairer sex. Gully’s reply was to play a beautiful slog sweep off one knee from a Miss Toussaint full toss that looked to be heading straight to the awaiting Badger at deep backward square leg. There are two-sides to every story and I think it’s only fair to share both.
Badger: “…it flew well over my head and miles over the boundary”
The Entire Southern Hemisphere: “…it went through your hands mate”
Personally, I believe Badger.
That shot did, however, make the run chase far simpler with both Gully and Kym finding the boundary fence. With two and a half overs to go Gully was dismissed (for the second time that over) which brought back Mr. Moses and the game was all but lost. There was a bit of hand-bagging round the boundary and on the pitch over bowlers and batsmen not used (I felt …….it was just the right amount of animosity) as the last few deliveries were bowled. But with the winning runs hit hands were firmly shaken and bums warmly slapped as we headed off to the changing room to read out the book and the fines.
Sugee won AED 400 on the sweepstake for pulling out Breathless Brown and I wish I could remember more about the fines (duly punished Vodka and yet more Jager shots) of which some were brilliant. Afterwards, I think all bar two or three then headed to the Els club for dinner and the promise of AED10 drinks. A great session was had including a revival of obscure Darjeeling XI’s – this time we had the Psychologists’ XI (as, in those of need of seeing one). I believe it was Ben Jones that picked up on a running theme, i.e. that the majority were South African (and all agreed most were decent players….!). Perhaps, a new question to be added to the membership questionnaire?
On a personal note, congratulations to the South (again) on winning the match and thank you to everyone for being such a good sport and making it such a memorable day (and night).
The People have spoken! – the overwhelming choice for the Christmas match has been to stoke up a bit of Hemispherical rivalry….
So on Saturday 27th December post-festivities, the Men of the North led by Mr Gary (True Grit) Turner will take the field
against the Shandy-drinking Bed-Wetting Southern Softies with Greg (Moistly) Moses trying to keep the bitch-slapping
and the cat-calling at bay.
We’ll be playing a 20 over (more if we can) Taverners Rules* Match (at the ICC Academy)
Batsmen retire on 20 – can come back at the end
Must use a minimum of 10 Bowlers, bowling a maximum of 3 each.
Please be there before 1:00pm for our pre-match “Warm-up” session. Please do not worry, this is not going to be too stressful
or arduous – just a little exercise to loosen the muscles and get the blood flowing.
That said, by simply turning up – you’re all automatically, signing a disclaimer agreeing that the club (or me) will be in no way responsible for any injuries, sickness, disorders, pregnancies, rashes, diseases, scars or mental deficiencies that come about from our little ‘warm-up’ session ☺
THE NORTH THE SOUTH
1 Badger (Beast) 1 Nathan (Caring) Cartright
2 GT (True Grit)* 2 (Gay) Gully
3 Johno (Hard-on) Houghton 3 (Nice) Nick Lloyd
4 Nick (Harder) Harvey 4 (Sensitive) CD Kotze
5 Sugee (Monster) 5 Ben (Jolly good) Jones
6 Richard (Well-Hard) Hallows 6 Kym (Harmless) Harris
7 Julius (Juggernaut) Mooney 7 Etienne (Velvety) Visser
8 Jason (Steaming) Stewart 8 Jason (Breathless) Brown
9 Chris (Braveheart) Bridle 9 Ian (Potty-trained) Potgieter
10 Chris (Dominant) Dommett 10 Andrew (Kind-hearted) Kirk
11 Lee (Deadly) Dawson 11 Greg (Moistly) Moses
12 (Cock-Crusher) Coco 12 Brad (Wiggly) Wissink
13 Olly (He-Man) Higgens
On a weekend when the Springboks swept all aside at the Dubai Rugby 7s our very own Blitzbokke stole the show against ABB at the ICC CA.
There was a nip in the air and a hint of dew on the ground as the usual motley assortment of Darjeeling players drifted into the ground. Captain Banerjee announced to all that in a dramatic change from the usual tactics, he had won the toss and decided to field! He claimed to have spotted a little something in the pitch suggesting early movement, although a more convincing argument might have been that it would be cooler bowling first.
Anyway, after awarding a new club shirt to debutant Ethan Holmes we trudged reluctantly onto the pitch only for some sharp eyed cove to spot that the sight screens were set for a white ball. With no sign of activity from the ground staff an executive decision was made to try to fix the problem ourselves, ignoring young Ethan’s assertion that black screens shouldn’t pose a problem for the batsmen as we had no quick bowling. Greg offered him a look of disdain before clambering to the top of the screen to mend the pulley system which was jammed.
Finally, we got down to play with Greg opening up from the stadium end and Ethan standing where a keeper normally would for a bowler of Badger’s pace. By the end of the over he was nursing a couple of bruised hands and standing within chatting distance of the slips, commenting to Ash that it felt weird to be standing so far back. Welcome to big boys cricket young man
Etienne opened up from the other (unnamed) end, keeping it tight and getting a bit of swing and the score trickled along in singles, edges and wides until Etienne struck in his second over. A back of a length ball tempted the opener into a wild slog which Brad eventually caught coming in from mid off. He struck again in similar fashion in his next over, with Brad again pouching a skier (or skyer?), to have ABB struggling at 28 for 2 with only their no.3 batsman Syed Hussain looking capable of taking on the Darjeeling bowling.
After dropping a tough slip chance off Greg, Blikkies took over from the stadium end, picking up a wicket in his second over with a catch by the Dominator at midwicket.
Drinks were taken with ABB struggling at 58 for 3 after 10, but the fourth wicket partnership between Syed and Nidhin accelerated the rate towards respectability at 9 an over. A couple of late run outs left ABB with a sub-par total of 154 for 5, although given Darjeeling’s recent batting troubles it was by no means a given. Bowling figures were generally respectable, with Greg 4 overs, 0 for 20, Etienne 2 for 23, and Blikkies 1 for 24. Andrew Morris went for 15 in his first over before Captain Banerjee ruthlessly removed him from the attack, and both Brad and Shuggie going for 9 an over without a wicket.
So the chase began, or in the case of Brad, the leisurely amble. Blikkies decided to attack from the start (no change there then), whacking anything pitched up back past the bowler, and pulling anything short over mid wicket. So ferocious was his hitting that one shot saw his bat split in half lengthways, with one half nearly copping the square leg umpire. With Brad hitting just 2 fours the big unit was required to run far too many twos for his liking, with the pitch looking in danger at one point of being repainted with yesterday’s Snickers.
The result was never in doubt as the openers cantered (cross between a gallop – Blikks, and a walk – Brad) to the target in the 18th over, with Bliikies going to a brutal ton with a baseball shot which hit the academy on the full. 103 not out off just 69 balls, ably supported by Brad with a more conservative 37 at exactly a run a ball, and a 10 wicket win for the good guys for a change.
Back in the changing room the usual banter ensued with Elsabe promising Bliks rather more than just a massage as a reward for his ton, and a new bat for Christmas. Reverend Moses called for silence, and asked everyone to ponder the Thought For Today – the lost art of fingering… This was duly discussed, with thoughts ranging from the best techniques to how the decline in this practice is probably responsible for the world’s population problem. Ethan wisely refused the offer of a cold beverage as his Dad was waiting for him, and left with Greg’s encouragement to keep practicing the fingering to keep him busy for the next week.
A good performance all round and surely the dawn of a fresh winning streak for the mighty Darjeeling. Bring on Standard Chartered!!
Saturday the 8th November saw a rare opportunity for the mighty DCC to play their first game in the Dubai International Cricket stadium, against a travelling “Over 50’s” Touring 11.
DCC were in high hopes and full of energy prior to the game with a decent bowling and batting side out for the day. Amazingly there didn’t seem to be a hangover in site, not surprising as Jono and Gully were not available – could be some debate that Dave Rees migraine was a hangover left over from the KP Gala dinner a couple of nights before…but more on that later. Photos were taken and given the venue our captain for the day decided to be the gentleman and allow the opposition to bat first (not that he was given much of a choice).
Darjeeling took to the 25,000 seater stadium to a stunned silence – shock – the stadium was empty….I personally blame the committee for this…..I had a call from the Sports City that 20,000 supporters were queuing outside the stadium the next day to watch up play….somehow they got the wrong date!!
Mooney opened up the bowling and snatched the first wicket of the game on his 5th ball, actually a rubbish ball that the batsman cut to the fielder of the day – Mr Smibert. Saint Jame Grisdale opened from the other dessert end – James bowled a tight spell but finished wicket less after his 3. The on field captain Harvey opted for a little more variety and brought on first changes Banerjee and himself. Nick was very unlucky not to snare a wicket in his first over – a top edge (ok maybe not that lucky it was a rank full toss) just evaded Mitchell in the covers. Banerjee looked sharp from the start with his first ball bamboozling the oppo batsman…Harvey deservedly got a wicket in his 3rd over thanks to a superb bit of keeping from Domminator. Ash finished off wicketless which was unlucky as he bowled pretty well all day (6 overs for 28). (Nick – 4 overs 1 for 18)
Rees then came to the mark post drinks – despite a broken finger and not shutting up about his hero KP who broke his finger – he bowled a pretty tight six overs – but as is so often the case in cricket his worse ball of the day was his first wicket…a sharp catch from Dommett behind the stumps…Dannie bowled his next victim and finished with very respectable figures of 6 over – 2 wickets – for 18 runs. From the other despite a pretty haphazard first over Mitchell completed 3 over for 13 runs. Mooney came back on for a second spell and snared his second wicket – removing (yes removing) the middle stump much to the delight of his 15 month old son sitting in the “crowds” – ok he had no idea what was going on. Mooney finished up with 5 over 3 maidens, 2 for 10….To finish up proceedings Potti came on for a quick cameo and Grisdale finished up bowling spin and snared a beauty -Nick said “we need to let them get a few more runs on the board so we actually can bat for a bit” Famous last words.
For once the fielding from DCC was very good and there were a lot of acrobatics in the field – most notably Smibert with a sublime direct hit run out. However Extras were the second top scorer with 36 (11 byes, 4 Leg byes and a disgraceful 21 wides)
After a Dubai Sports City lunch – actually not too bad – the crowd in the stadium doubled with the arrival of the Grisdale clan….and Darjeeling were in full confidence that despite a slow and low wicket we would have no issues knocking off the 143 required to win.
De Bonville and Smibert opened up and looked classy, driving beautifully and running well between the wickets…DeBonville then got a little complacent and tried to drill one out of the stadium only to be stumped with a ball going down leg for 7. Not to worry surely…we still had some very good batsman to come. Potti was in next but was bowled for 5. Brown and Dommett were soon back in the padock after been triggered LBW….They were not happy about these decisions……..Smibert too was stumped soon after – achieving a second top score of 19.
Saint James was the only man who produced the goods for us…scoring a St James style fifty….Harvey kept him company for a little but was soon triggered LBW for 7, Banerjee was next in and played some lovely strokes for his 9 (that almost sounds like an Oxymoron) – Ash was very quick to point out in the changing room that he made a 50 partnership with Gris….sadly the end of Ash came about, bamboozled by a double bouncing long hop….
Mooney came in next at 9, and quickly saw Grisdale retired for 50 (rubbish rule) – With the new man Dannie Dave Rees (My bat cost 400 pounds chat) and Mooney out in the middle there was a little hope, however hope was diminished when Dannie was bowled first ball….Moony being the genius he is then ran out poor Mitchell for 1. However all was not lost, Grisdale was allowed back in…with about 26 needed of 4 could DCC change their losing streak and finally win won….? That was answered 2 balls later when Mooney was stupidly lured into a Badger style sky ball only to be stumped. Darjeeling had lost by 26 runs…
All in all a great day out at the stadium and one I am sure we will always remember. Maybe some debatable umpiring decisions and certainly a dreadful deck were in play…but that as they say is Cricket!
After a quick intake of H2O we took the field as a unit. No need for Churchillian urgings I thought , a good total on the board and a team packed with experienced bowlers so no worries. Of course Greg Moses then says that due to a chronic fractured Eye lash he would rather not bowl! Did you know that Greg is part Saffer and part British? His eye lashes obviously come from North Wales! Then up pops the other demon mix of Sunderland and Cape Town, Jim the Vicar Grisdale. His injuries involved at least something visible in terms of a Rugby fall whilst training. However the bruising had reached a part of his anatomy that led to me declining any further inspection , “I believe you Jim, I am sure it is all black and blue as well” I retorted , backing away rapidly. Still no worries , I have the Dad and Son team of the Mariadason;s to be my demon strike bowlers and what a fantastic job they did! Dave opened up from the top end and had the ball swinging in like a boomerang , whilst young Rohan bowled a great line and length running in from the Academy end.
Dave struck twice in his second over and then Rohan bowled a peach that swung and moved off the pitch with his first ball of his second over. In walked the aforementioned Damien Brandy with his celebrity side teetering at 12 for 3. At this point in proceedings we are very fortunate in having several “specialist” slip fielders in our club. Apparently Ram , our new recruit is also one. However when Damien Brandy flashed at Rohan’s 5th delivery of his second over it was only me who was at first slip and although the ball thudded into my outstretched right palm , it also thudded out again!! Never mind I thought , it won’t be long before he has gone! Doh!
Dave bowled superbly for his 4-0-2-18 and was well backed up by young Rohan who finished with figures of 4-0-18-1. Take a bow that family!!
Debutant Ram was given the chance to show off his all-rounders skills and soon learned that bowling at the ICC is not always so easy. Especially when the reprieved Mr. Brandy decides he quite likes the length! Damian just basically tried to hit virtually every ball into space , and very nearly succeeded! Ross came on and bowled a tidy first over before Damien took a fancy to him as well , supported by Dan , the Darjeeling man who was also playing some shots. Ram came off slightly bruised with figures of 2-0-29-0 and Ross finished with 3-0-24-0
So the match entered what can in “clicheville” be called “the Crucial Phase” . Paul Shenks was brought into the firing line and 6 balls later the Brandy X1 where 12 runs nearer our total! I decided I could not hide anymore and brought myself on from the top end , 6 balls later and another 13 had been plundered including a massive 6 that cleared the gardens behind me! Paul gamefully continued, and all playing saw Damian go into overdrive and score a further 18 runs and all of a sudden we were deep in the Mulligatawny as my Indian friends often say!!
At the start of my second over I was in 3 or 4 minds in terms of what sort of ball to bowl to Damien who loomed very large at the other end of the wicket. So I bowled a wide. Obviously I had a bit of chat with their umpire , words like “harsh” and “really” where uttered! So next ball I lobbed one up and fully expected it to be dispatched for 6…… he missed it and it hit his back leg in front of middle and leg , everyone screamed and my mate the umpire triggered Mr. Golden Bollocks Brandy back to the pavilion!! Relief and high 5,s all around in the DCC camp!
Jim bravely hobbled in off a couple of paces for the next over going for only 5 and Dave M took a great catch in the deep to get rid of Dan before the next batsman was bowled by a specialty skuttle ball that never got above 2 inches after pitching, you know the sort of ball Stuie used to bowl all the time!
Jim then completed proceedings by being smashed for 19 off the last over by Posh Toms brother! He did not enjoy that at all but DCC had won by 25 runs or so. Jim finished with 2 overs for 26 and for me a flattering 3 overs 3 for 25.
The match was played in a great spirit , no dissent to the umpire (well just a little) and everyone in the DCC team played a part and contributed. It is why we are the greatest cricket club in the world , but then I may be biased!!!
As the Darjeeling faithful started to arrive at the ICC there was more than a few moans and groans about how long it takes for a Dubai summer to end and an Arab winter to begin! Too long was the conclusion and indeed it was very hot and sticky.
Our opponents for the day included several “ex” Darjeeling” wallahs “ and even our new member Dan was roped in , presumably because of his ability to stop a flaying cricket bat with his eye. Because of this familiarity with the opposition it was decided that DCC rule number 1 could not be invoked and instead a proper “Toss” took place out in the middle. Damian Brandy called incorrectly and I duly skipped back to our dressing room with the great news that the opposition had been duly inserted!
This match also marked the return to the fold of Ian P who had been lost in the wilderness for some time on some breeding programme and with his opening partner Brad Wissink they strode manfully to the crease to face the eclectic mix that made up the Brandy X1. It is fair to say that both of our openers took full advantage of some indifferent bowling but several of the bowlers where also capable of actually pitching one up AND on the stumps so some care was needed. After 5 overs we had reached 52 , with Ian dealing mainly in “thumps” of increasing violence around the park. Extras also contributed to the score with wide’s and “beamer” no balls aplenty!
After 10 overs drinks where taken and Ian announced that as he would also be keeping wicket it was time for a younger and fitter man to take over the batting duties from him. Well he said part of that anyway and he retired for a well-played 41 and the evergreen Greg Moses took his place.
You may not be aware that there is a lot of “history” and “previous” as the Londoners say between Greg and Brad. They have shared many things , literally apparently and they also love to make the other party run when batting together!! Each claims that he is the leader in all this but regardless an all run 4 , several run 3,s and more than a few 2,s took its toll on Greg and he top edged a catch when looking well set for 31. Oh Brad did chuckle!!!
The reformed Vicar of Dibley , formerly known as” Big Bad” Jim Grisdale took over from Greg and in his usual style smashed both bowlers for big 6,s and a disputed number of 4,s ( I was distracted whilst scoring!) before Brad laughed no more as he took a full bunger on his toe and was out LBW for an enterprising 68 and thus entered Ramesh , making his debut for DCC
Jim meanwhile was being beaten for pace by the returning Damian Brandy for a rapid 27 , Paul Shenk came and went , another victim of a rejuvenated Brandy leaving David and Ramesh to finish off our innings at 192 for 4 with Ram on 8 and David on 2.
As skipper I thought we should have reached 200 but also felt that this would be good enough to secure a comfortable victory. But did I mention a rejuvenated Damien Brandy…. I will shortly in Part 2 of this saga!!
On a stinking warm afternoon at the college…
Raring to go minus Badger of whom we had no knowledge.
Stimulated by some inspiring talk from Ash…
attempting to rouse those still feeling the lash.
There was a suggestion to limit them to 120…
Looking back did way say, “let them score plenty?”
Greg’s first over was expensively uncanny…
As Sheldon dropped one I would have left for my Granny.
The flow of runs didn’t stop there…
As the powerplay alone sent us into despair.
The oppo were giving it an almighty heave…
As we were constantly on the retrieve.
The Hass circled below many a high ball…
With results that never cease to enthrall.
At least Jamie got both hands to his drop…
Only for his shoulder to hit the ground and out did it pop.
The specialist fielder-Dommett arrived in his place…
For him to snare one to set the pace.
For you fans of Coco one must mention her also…
Striding in flaunting her much loved torso.
She attempted to set the game on fire…
But turned out to be just as dire.
The hemorrhaging of runs was unrelenting…
As we all looked on with anger fermenting.
Ash dished up tosh duly dispatched to the crowd…
As the Indians on the ropes got ever so loud.
The Hass stormed in to stem the flow…
Or was it Usain…I’ll never quite know.
They ploughed on to reach 258…
Leaving us requiring one hell of a rate.
We arrived to see da opponents warming up for da better part of an hour. Activities that would put most of us ous on our knees hay.
We where surprised to see no babelasses (hangovers) in da changing rooms. Our kaptein Nick had choosen to use da bat first and sent in da Dominator and Mnr Julius. Finking Mnr Julius would use dis rare opportunity with da bat, he got out cheaply caught behind for 1 walking after a wide where to be given. Da usual LBW shouts we are all remembering was in da match as well. I then walked in to support da Dominator. Getting a lucky 20 I was to be getting caught. Dis sent in da much awaited comeback from Rannie Dees. Getting dropped on da ous first ball… And den getting bowled fird ball was not the BIG standard we ous are all knowing of dis guy. Den da new guy Sheldon walked on to bring da run rate up scoring a vinnige 24 to help da Dominator dat was red in da face. Mnr Visser came in scoring 9 den getting bowled, playing around a straight one. Da kaptein and da Dominator got us to 138 after running 3 vinnige 2s in da last over with kaptein ending on 7 n.o and a mighty performance from da Dominator 64 n.o.
Having to dafend 138 we where having to bowl very very well. We stared wif Mnr Visser and Mnr Julius. Visser started offf well but den der where a few wides da next over from Julius going for 14. Da first breakfrew was from Vissier in his second over. Rohan den came on to replace Julius, starting offf wif a few wides da ou came right in his second over. Da new guy Sheldon took a fantastic catch stading at silly point off Rohans bowling after getting into da ous head bringing SA cricket sledges to Dubai.Da batsman stood der wif no belief of what happened.Rohans bowling figures ended off on 1-20 in 4. Da running between da wickets where to be very very poor giving us 2 run outs. Der kaptein was one of da ous getting run out which mad him very very angry so he frew his bat almost hitting Daves little man. Ash bowled well keeping it tight as a tiger getting 1 wicket for 21 in 4. Mnr Visser came back and got another wicket ending his spell on 2-29 in 4. Having no more bowling peoples because kapteins back was not leka we where forced to bring on Rannie Dees. Dis ou was going for a few but Dave was keeping it tight like a tiger winning us da game in da last over by hitting da ous stumps. Rannies figures where 1-24 in 3 and Daves 3-12 in 3.2
Dis getting us da win by 5 runs!
Im sure da Dominators face is still red, what a innings.
What a week it’s been with Iraq imploding (again), Luis Suarez getting kicked out for the World Cup for ‘tripping’ his teeth into an Italian’s shoulder and Stephen Brown’s Leaving Match – hastily resurrected at Dubai College.
I thought I would start this with a small excerpt of yesteryear that I found in the closet – this was a report written following another Leaving Match for one Mr. Brad Wissinck back in 2008. This too was the hottest cricket match that year – and to-date remains (and I hope it stays that way) the warmest match I’ve ever played.
A little excerpt of Cricket in Dubai over the Summer
Our team Darjeeling CC organized a cricket game on Saturday to see off one of the clubs favourite members – who, paradoxically is an Australian. During the summer in Dubai, it’s only really possible to play early in the morning – because of the obvious high temperatures – but with common sense deserting us we opted for a 2:00pm start thinking that the schedule would tie in nicely for a 6:00pm start at the pub and 7:00pm kick-off of the S.Africa v All Blacks game. I should add that we no longer have our own ground and (air conditioned) clubhouse since a Dubai Holding company decided to build a mega development/city on it (the project is of course, now on hold). Therefore, we have to play at Zabeel Park with all the other oiks.
We did however, in the past used to play through the summer – so what could a wee 20 over match do to us? Two overs into the game, though hot – we thought this no worse than past games on our desert pitch from yesteryear. ……….. However, temperatures in excess of 110⁰f (plus 80% humidity) have a habit of catching up on you – especially when you have to bowl a couple of overs. On returning to my fielding position at extra cover after my first over (only one wide) my body temperature felt like it had risen five degrees – after the second (no wides and one wicket) a further three – the worry was that it didn’t come back down again – but merely hovered around the “severe fever” zone.
The batsmen were certainly no worse off – the first over saw the openers taking a two – this folly was repeated only once or twice in the entire match. Singles were walked; sweat poured, heads hung low in the field and the only focus appeared to be on self-preservation. After 10 overs we had a drinks break and this is when it became obvious that water was running low. With it being a Friday and the middle of summer, the park staff clearly believed no one would be mad enough to come until the evening (yet alone play cricket!) and no shop was open. The epitome of the game came in the 12th over when one of our batsmen, Chris – who was on mid 20’s (and in his mid 40’s)with only two boundaries (…..ouch) drove a half volley to point and walked a single he could have clearly made – the ball was gently lobbed toward the keepers gloves and Chris noticeably slowed down – for a second it looked like the keeper was going to tease him and fumble the ball – but soon after he tipped the bails off thus putting Chris out of his misery – whereas he promptly walked off, soaked himself in water and sat under the tree ensuring the emergency services were on speed dial.
Come the fifteenth over, our skipper for the day, Gary – a portly beverage drinking northerner in his late 40’s – summoned up the last of his strength to sound normal and spoke to the opposing captain. With sweat pouring down his neck he suggested that (for the benefit of the rest of the team of course!) that we reduce the match to a sixteen overs as he feared for the health of the fielders and batsmen alike. Therein, he took the ball, bowled the last over and retreated to the shade.
I’m glad to say we won the game – and though fielding first did subject us to the worst heat of the day we enjoy a pleasant bout of schadenfreude witnessing the (losing) fielding side struggle as we sat under the tree with fresh supplies of water.
Mad Dogs and Englishmen…….
Though, not quite as brutal Friday twas most certainly was a stinker – similar to Brad’s leaving do but perhaps without quite so much sp*nk in the mercury…..or has someone else mentioned, like Chiang Mai but with the oven on. Owing to the good work of Mr. Nathan Cartwright we were playing at our latest venue Dubai College and the occasion; to provide a suitable adieu to one of our most colourful characters (residing from the not so colourful Yorkshire) who is leaving us for longer summers and shorter, wetter, colder winters on Monday. Brownie has provided us all with much mirth, anecdotes, changing room antics and even musical entertainment……….a colourblind one-man Panto who can more than bat a bit….
We all drifted in between 1:30 and 2:00pm. With no facilities apparent, phone calls were made and a Goan caretaker (with a Portuguese name I’m sure Christiano Ronaldo would struggle with) was located and subsequently invited us to any supplies that we may need. Paul, Wardy & I followed Conceição (see, I told you….try saying that when you’re hot & sober!) to the store cupboard. Chris Ward reflecting with nostalgia on how he loved the smell of sports equipment supply rooms – with flashbacks from the “locker room” scene in Porkies we found the gear needed and made a hasty retreat.
Naturally, Mr. Stephen Brown was skipper for his last match, his one request being that he could select his side. Coined as “Brownie’s Mates” in the pre-match emails, better alternatives were soon sought. We finally settled on AT’s suggestion and the team is in the book as “The Brown Stars”. Chris’s Taverners were unsurprisingly skippered by Chris, though Ashish Banerjee appeared as the on-field Captain ………….more about that later.
Once stumps had been appropriated and boundary markers placed a headcount was taken. Remarkably, all were present bar Dannie Rees (suffering from squitty-poos) and the Hass – merely saving himself for a grand entrance – who was to join us a few minutes later.
The toss was won or negotiated, I don’t know and because of the heat no one seemed to notice or…….well….give a toss.
George Appleton came down with Orn and Theresa too braved the stifling weather to watch another eagerly-anticipated Interclub Match. Kieran from the school came down, which was nice and he is clearly an enthusiast of the game. We chatted for a while, though with sweat dripping off statuesque spectators he soon found some work that needed doing inside and bid us well.
So with the sides settled Johno and a vomit-free Gully – who’d somehow negotiated to open (and clearly does a good job of lobbying his batting position in the pub) – strode out open at around 2:15pm.
Gully struck a couple of shots but generally did much to dispel the rumours that he played Grade A cricket in Australia. He fell in the second over off the bowling of Hassan. The fielding side rotated the bowling at will – so much so in fact that by the end of the seventh over, seven bowlers had been used. Johno continued to knock the ball around – however, runs were hard to come by and come drinks (10th over) the score had not reached 50.
There was some confusion in the ranks as to whether this was a 25 over fixture as advertised or a twenty over game as the weather was urging. This [confusion] reached a crescendo soon after drinks when the umpire pointed out he believed we were playing a 25 over match. Therein saw a most uncharacteristic outburst from our club-captain, Mr. Chris (Dummy?) Dommett, who vociferously claimed that he’d never agreed to this as Captain. Julius (Umpiring) replied pensively that he thought Ash was the Captain and was retorted with a “do-you-know-who-I-am” reply (sort of). Julius was somewhat perplexed and with heads turning to and fro there fell upon a brief silence. A silence th
at would have been perfectly perforated by the botty-injured Dannie Rees’s falsetto of “……Awkward…..!” And so play resumed.
Now faced with just five overs left – Johno retired on 44 (– a sterling effort the conditions……….and his general level of fitness) following Stephen Brown’s dismissal to bring on the exiled Jim Grisdale and Paul Sackley to the crease.
Overall, it was a sparkless innings with less than 10 boundaries and the weather robbing the usual vim we’ve come to expect in these matches.
Innings highlights included:
- Stephen Brown going arse-over-tit at the batting crease
- Chris Ward going for 16 off an over
- Hassan – on removing Stephen Brown just after he’d been hoiked over long on for one of the few sixes of the day – responded with a trademark fist-pump and Neanderthal grunt. Brownie was naturally, displeased – however, the ball was a good one; nipping in off a length (I know all this as we were all camped right behind the bowlers arm – cricketing etiquette abandoned to claim the minimal area of shade)
- Dommett’s minor tantrum which must surely be shortlisted for the Teddy award come Christmas
The Brown Stars made 129. An unimpressive total, but one that looked easily defendable considering the conditions.
Paul and the in-form Brandon made there may to the crease for the start of the Taverners’ innings with Gris & I opening the bowling. Brandon hit a beautiful six off the first over (one of only three that day) and then worryingly ducked a couple of Gris’s bouncers on a track that had been keeping low all day.
Cue Julius and two tremendous overs of line and length bowling that saw four wickets tumbling for the loss of just six runs including a triple wicket maiden that took what little breeze there was out of the sails of the Taverners. Paul, Brandon, Rohan & Chris D all fell victim to Julius’s opening spell. It’s a curious thing getting out in an all Darjeeling Match and though I escaped the pleasure this time, I recall that there is no dignified way to be removed in an interclub game. Most of us walk off with stupid devil-may-care-grin trying to conceal the humiliation of the moment (especially, if you have been dismissed – as I have twice – by one Stuart Matthewson). I say this, however, Gregory Moses managed to break the norm by walking (his chin higher than a beamer) before been given out after nicking one behind off the bowling of Paul. Still, some work to do to regain the moral high ground post-Chiang Mai my friend…
With the Taverners ailing on 46 for six – humiliation was abated by a decent stand between Israr and Ash Banerjee. Israr looking his usual settled self and Ash offering stubborn resistance interspersed with some decent cricket shots and kamikaze running between the wickets.
Their partnership ended in spectacular fashion after Israr’s cover drive was pocketed one-handed by Brownie diving full stretch to his right. He celebrated in a modest and dignified manner by reeling off a circumnavigation of the square reminiscent of an FA Cup winning goal-scorer. Twas a great catch and Israr left the field shaking his head complete with dumb-interclub-grin.
A couple of low-scoring overs later, the heat still relentless and the game was fizzling down to the inevitable with all Eleven fielders now realizing that Chris had actually had a good point when he stood fast to his Twenty Overs ideals. Ash retired knackered as top-scorer (25) for the Taverners and Chris Ward made a few.
Other highlights were few and far between. Gris took a funny tumble as did Julius (by the way, sorry if that fall hurt Jules – as I noticed no one came to over a hand – think it was too hot). In the flavor of the world cup Julius actually stayed down for a couple of deliveries…… but no referees blew their whistle nor did physios run on the pitch. The Hass was bowled second ball after Brownie’s first-ball-bouncer took him by surprise. After twenty overs with the score still in two figures we all left the pitch and discussed post-match drinks.
Overall, it was a humidly-induced lackluster affair – and whilst most agreed that the ground has potential and the location aint-‘alf-‘andy there was a general concord that there is work to do on the pitch and that the outfield currently has a scoring-rate lower than Johno’s in Mahikis.
It was a scorching hot day down at the SES stadium as the stalwart players of Darjeeling met for what was a bitter sweet occasion given the sad loss of our team mate and friend , Simon Fowler the previous weekend.
It was decided that Darjeeling rule no 1 would not be used and a fair toss was made with the incorrect call from the ABB skipper Aman and I immediately informed him we would bat and the match would be of the T20 format.
A few words of respect and a quiet moment for our own thoughts before the opening pair of Jonno and Pete Shenk (manager of the Crowne Plaza SZR , Discounts available upon request!) strode purposefully to the crease. A contrasting start, with Jonno finding the middle of the bat immediately whilst Peter struggled with the swing and bounce that the” Karama” special ball we had given them was producing. After scoring just 2 runs Peter missed a swinging full toss and was out LBW. In trotted our” steady eddy” number 3 , Andrew Laing who from the outset knew the wisest thing was to give Jonno the strike and thus our innings started to accelerate with Jonno playing some delightful pulls, cuts and straight drives and as the temperature in Sharjah climbed to 46 degrees the ABB team wilted in the sun.
Drinks where taken when the” Karama” special shed its skin after only 9 overs and we were well placed at about 80 for 1.
After drinks and so dominant where we that our score prediction rose alongside the Mercury and of course that alerted the great Cricketing god to become involved! Andrew played a very un Laing like shot and was out for a patient 14 out of a partnership with Jonno of 107 , then Jonno himself aimed a long hop at a fielder at fine leg and all at the ground were amazed when the chap actually caught the ball!! Jonno gone for a well-played 84 . Poignantly , Jonno confirmed that throughout his innings he was repeating the mantra of his coach in his early days at Darjeeling , Simon Fowler , “play straight , every ball play straight”. I think Simon would have been very proud of Jonno,s innings.
Nick scampered as he always does for a quick fire 14 , AT did not waste any balls with his 5 off 3 balls and David also kept the scoreboard ticking over for his 14 not out. Gully had to face 2 balls at the end and his bat remained untouched as he was bowled neck and crop off the last ball for a duck! No doubt the great Cricketing gods justice was served on him for being late!!!
So with Nick needing to leave early to attend a posh “DO” at the BurJ Al Arab , he was given the chance to rattle through his overs quickly from the water tank end with Gully appearing from his favored University end. Nick struck in his first over with the extra bounce of the new proper UK made cherry hitting the batters gloves and looping kindly to the ever agile Gibby behind the stumps. Gully should have had a wicket himself but Nick downed a very quick chance at first slip. Nick bowled a nice line and length finishing with 1 for 15 off his 4. Gully had a rest and a chunder after his opening spell of 3 overs and then David and son Rohan where given the chance to make it the Mariadson family show and they did not disappoint!! David managed to get the ball to bend and swerve and completely bamboozled the batsmen who never really knew where the ball would end up. He struck twice in his first over and with Rohan effectively tying up the other end it really was a Family Affair. Rohan finished with 4 -0-26 but bowled so much better in applying the squeeze. David finished with 4-3-33 and 17 of them came from one over . So the rate had climbed to over 12 an over when Ash and myself where tasked with the last 4 overs of the day.
The skipper of ABB , Aman was now on 51 when he decided to charge down the wicket to my first ball , result 1 wide and 1 stumping! Au Revoir Aman ! Another wicket later in the over with Rohan taking a fine catch in the deep and the game was surely ours. Ash bowled the penultimate over tightly to finish with 2-0-19 and when Rohan took another fine catch the game was ours and I finished with the flattering figures of 2-3-9.
So DCC won by 28 runs against a team that had beaten us recently at the ICC.
A few ambers and pales , including a couple of chilled Spitfires as Ash read the book and then a few of us retired to the Polo Club to further raise our glasses to absent friends.