The Dubai Despatch, May 10, 2015
Yesterday’s events provided a quite stunning contrast to the previous Saturday’s dry run (which favoured the Tories), with a recently-cobbled-together Coalition of the Swilling (led, would you believe, by a Plaid Cymru representative!) prevailing in the Election Edition of the Desert Derby, throwing the psephologists into predictable disarray.
Yes, Cameron’s Conservative Cannons lost comprehensively (by 10 seats) to a resurgent alliance led from the front by Jon “Toothy Ed” Houghton and James “Cleggie” Smibert, with tacit support from the Irish (Rob Weir, back in Malahide for the washed-out one-dayer) and even the Scots (Chris Bridle, last seen repairing to the Sturgeon & Roe for a wee dram a few months ago).
Both teams seemed to have made equally concerted efforts to broaden their appeal to the minority, immigrant and Kolpak constituencies in an effort to capture the swing vote, with the Conservatives fielding Khalid, Mirza, Vincent and Coles, while the National Coalition offered up Banerjee, Moses, Blignaut and deBeer.
On to the details, then… the toss went the Tories’ way and they decided to bat first, opening with Cameron (of course!) and Thomas. The Coalition opened with Blignaut and MacFadyen, then Cook and Rees once the field was out, all bowling well enough to keep the flood at bay but never really threatening, and at the 10-over break the Cannons were 74/0, Cam dropped at 8 by Dannie as Cook’s low, full pie was driven firmly but airily to mid-off, mistaken for a bump ball, attempted (with resultant bruising) and parried overhead to the fence.
Meanwhile the long-awaited crate of water had arrived to provide succour at the break, and so had the Conservatives’ support, well-distributed across the key demographics: infants, women and seniors.
102 ensued off the bottom ten but so did 6 wickets, evening things out somewhat. Thomas departed in the 14th after a good opening stand of 111, well caught at long on by a sliding Houghton off Cook for an adventurous 49 off 40 (5×4, 2×6), even as Shep hopped in the heavens above.
Skipper Bradstock came in next, stroked the ball around well (that bat looks quite special) while Cameron continued to hit well-timed shots to all parts, particularly severe on Banerjee (who put the liberal in LibDem) starting with a few pies, then offering up kebabs and finally fish & chips, his trifecta of take-aways put away for 32 off 2 before asking the skipper Rees to take him off, lack of nets having palpably affected length and bowling form.
But there was a twist in the tale yet, Houghton brought on to bowl, taking 4-11 off his two! First the dangerous Coles holing out to Jamie at cow corner off a first-ball full toss for an effervescent 76 off 54 (6×4, 3×6), then the hamstrung Khalid caught by Blikkies in similar fashion, then Bradstock caught by Ash at point off a swirling top edge for 27 off 11, then Taylor went just as Coles did, and in a couple of overs the complexion of the innings had changed (much like London) even as Curtis went lbw to Rees for a first-ball duck (Adair, umpiring, giving the benefit of the doubt to the bowler), and the Conservatives finished on a possibly sub-par 178/6 despite a brief late flurry from Mellor with support from Lazarus.
Blignaut 4-23-0, MacFadyen 4-41-0, Cook 4-23-1, Rees 4-46-1, Banerjee 2-32-0, Houghton 2-11-4, not a single maiden bowled.
At the half-way mark the Conservatives might have felt they had secured enough, based on recent evidence, while the Coalition thought they’d shown good Labour form by fielding well in the Shires and were in with a chance.
And so it came to pass that Cleggie and Toothy Ed were nominated to lead the chase from the front, while bowling duties were entrusted to Taylor and Bain.
Taylor was accurate but predictable from the Academy End, while Bain from Bradenton North was brisk but wayward, profligate with the Dukes and going for 19 off his first and 25 off the second as the openers cashed in with some well-played drives and deflections for boundaries, 61 coming off the first 4, helped along by extras as well for as good a start as the Coalition has ever enjoyed.
This prompted a change in the Conservatives’ strategy, with the spin doctors Mellor and Adair pressed into service for the last two overs of the powerplay, but to no avail as the buffet bowling continued and the batsmen feasted, the Coalition 80/0 off the first 6.
The batsmen looked firmly in control and a sense of comfortable smugness seeped into the hutch, with the immigrants Moses and Banerjee placidly ensconced in the bosomy embrace of the welfare state, suckling contentedly on the twin teats of Healthcare (cigarettes) and Benefits (water) while the Kolpaks ran the scorebox, Nigel foraged fruitlessly in South Thanet and a distant David Dimbleby allegedly exclaimed “for God’s sake” when he thought the cameras were off.
As the field went out the scoring rate normalised somewhat, with the Coalition 109/0 at drinks after 10, still well ahead of the ask and the worm looking quite superior on the iPad. The spinners continued as variously Curtis, Lazarus and Mirza were each given a go, Houghton accelerated as he tired, peppering the Academy with a few sixes, even while Cameron raged against the tide from behind the stumps, attempting to rally the troops in the face of the inevitable. Toothy Ed retorted with “My mum’s French,” putting to rest any doubts about Britain’s future in the EU. The Scots didn’t rate a mention despite Cameron’s former cricketing connections to the land of single malts, kilts, haggis and em, Hogmanay.
It was all over four balls into the 16th, with Smibert (67 off 50, 8×4, 1×6) and Houghton (88 off 48, 10×4, 4×6) having batted really, really well (Cleggie’s Chinese cuts notwithstanding, perhaps an acknowledgement of the Met Ball’s theme this year?) for a fine 10-wicket win, long overdue against the Cannons.
Taylor 2-12, Bain 2-44, Mellor 3-18, Adair 4-24, Curtis 1.4-10, Lazarus 2-12, Mirza 1-3, no maidens or wickets.
A good day out for some, and all repaired to Kickers for a pint or two (“we don’t do champagne these days, you know”) and bit of post-match socialising. After his exertions for a Man of the Match performance, Houghton resorted to caloric compensation via cheesy fries, a hot dog bigger than its bun, and a chicken salad, all of which were pronounced tasteless but useful under the circumstances, much like this match report.
[vc_row type=”container” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=””][vc_column][vc_column_text]DCC vs Dubai Stallions
By 8.15am on Saturday morning, Darjeeling CC had already achieved its first victory of the day. The welcome sight of Gully, who had wisely decided to settle down for an early night almost five hours earlier, striding languidly across the car park of the Sevens ground meant that DCC had mustered a playing 11 (albeit in the second over of the match). The opposition for this decisive tournament fixture was the Dubai Stallions, a prospect which simultaneously bewildered and intimidated young Brian – was selection based on girth or length? He made a mental note to investigate further….
It was the morning after the night before and while Dubai’s privileged classes slept soundly, DCC’s most committed cricketers roused themselves from their slumbers at an ungodly hour; all were bleary-eyed, many with pounding headaches and a few still drunk.
With adroitness that would have had Kofi Annan nodding in silent approval, Jules expertly negotiated the toss (“You bat, we bowl? OK?) to ensure DCC would be back under the shade of the pavilion’s veranda before the sun had risen high in the cornflower blue sky.
As Jules paced out his run-up, Jonno proudly presented a cobalt blue tongue to the slip cordon as proof of his earlier antics in Rock Bottom. However, this only raised speculation that his preparation for the match had involved going down on an aging Smurfette – shenanigans he has neither confirmed nor denied…
While minds wandered, Julius bounded in for the first over with the vivacity of a young bullock and a determination to fell the Stallions opening batsmen at the first hurdle. Israr, with clear eyes and a full heart, opened from the other end and, with his first ball, induced a snick which Jonno lapped up (Granny Smurfette was still etched into the forefront of the mind at this point). There followed one of the tightest opening partnership spells in DCC’s recent history with just 34 being conceded from the first seven overs.
The cherry was then given to Gully to tighten the stranglehold and dispatch the Stallions onward to the glue factory. 10 balls later, and having fed the pony (a manoeuvre honed at the Sea View Hotel), he was thanked for his labours and sent back to sweep on the boundary. Down, but not out.
The change bowlers were effective and economical. As ever, Big Ben displayed his benevolence to the opposing batsman in generously providing ball-by-ball instruction on how best to play his deliveries. Not so much a horse whisperer as a steed shouter. Although the sentiment was compassionate, the result was ineffective as evidenced by his tidy spell of 1-19 off four – a tricky catch snaffled by Israr with consummate ease.
Tim Davy, now struggling for work as a Peter Crouch look-a-like as the long-legged footballer’s career wanes, took a sharp caught-and-bowled and proved near impossible to be get away – a six off his last ball blighting more-than-respectable figures of 1-23 off four.
Who is the most aggressive man in the club? Well, if you were to ask the Stallions, the Croydon terrier with the look and temperament of Ari Gold would be the collective response. Perhaps confusing cricket for baseball following a recent spell in the US, Brian literally went for the knock-out blow delivering two beamers in quick succession. Two strikes and you’re out here unfortunately. The intimidation tactics backfired and an apoplectic Brian was sent back to the serenity of deep extra-cover having only supplied the cowering batsman with five legitimate deliveries.
With one delivery still required to complete the over, De Boinville eagerly grabbed the ball like a fat kid grabbing a ball. He then demonstrated great sportsmanship to the clearly traumatized batter, bowling the gentlest off-break every seen on a cricket pitch. The reprieve was welcome and the ball deservedly carted over cow corner for a maximum.
It was time to circle the wagons and the Rhinestone Cowboy, Gully, having now sobered up, roared in with true Aussie grit bowling an inspired spell which included two wickets in two balls. He finished for a superb 3-26 off four. By this point in the proceedings, the Stallions resembled little more than shire horses and DCC took pity, slackening the reins and dropping two dollys (form is temporary, class in permanent). There is no ‘I’ in ‘team’ so it would not be fair to single out such individuals and the team should take responsibility. (Butter-fingers) Lee Dawson bowled tightly at the death and a sub-par total of 159 had been set by the Stallions off the allotted 25 overs for the loss of eight wickets.
The damp outfield (allegedly as moist as a young married French woman who had been cornered and chatted up by a few DCC charmers in Bidi Bondi) was beginning to dry and speed-up as the temperature hit 30C and confidence amongst DCC’s top order was high.
Openers Chris Neal and De Boinville saddled up and went out to the middle with the intention of battering the Stallions until they were flogging a dead horse (crow-barred in). The first few overs went to plan, with De Boinville seizing on every delivery and crashing the ball all over the park with such brutality against the equine-dubbed opposition that alerts were sounded at both PETA and the RSPCA. Each whip-like crack sent the ball in a perfect parabola toward the boundary until the human-mortar was prematurely silenced; caught at mid-on for 17 off 9.
Stylish left-hander Chris Neal provided good support with some elegant shots off both front and back foot. He was ably encouraged by the vulpine Israr from the non-strikers end; regrettably, when it came time for the number three all-rounder to face the bowling himself, he was unable to provide any further assistance and was out for a duck. Wickets continued to tumble like riders at Becher’s Brook and at 4-48, the match was hanging in the balance.
As the volume of the Stallions’ whinnying increased, and the vociferous appeal which followed every ball grew ever more tedious, it was up to Brian and Jonno to play the role of farrier, de-shoeing the petulant Stallions for good. With ever-increasing confidence and ability, this is exactly what they accomplished in constructing a partnership of 92. It was at this point that Jonno, having hit consecutive fours, declared that he was truly ‘in the zone’ before planting the following delivery into point’s hands for a valuable 37 . For the Stallions it was too late and DCC had slammed the stable door shut on the metaphorical bolting horse breaking several of its vertebrae in the process. It only remained for Big Ben to emerge with his shotgun and put the beast out of its misery.
Out the broad-shouldered Kiwi strode with a look in his eye that declared he was not only there to see DCC home, but that there would be no mercy in his actions. The bowler ran in. Thud. A few reverent nods and a smile from the umpire. Seconds ticked away. Like Tom Drummond on a dance floor, the umpire’s finger was raised skywards in the most contentious of decisions. Ben, utterly perplexed, took a deep breath, nodded acknowledgement to the umpire and tucked his bat under his arm before making the long walk back to the hutch. He knew a bad decision had been pronounced on this morning, but ‘the umpire’s judgement is final and must always be respected’ he informed his stunned teammates.
In any case, Brian (who in no way resembles a jockey) was riding these Stallions like AP McCoy at Cheltenham and the finish line was within reach. The final furlong consisted of Jules and the beamer-loving, man-of-the-match viciously thrashing the bowling over an ever-constricting field – the only valid theory for such poor decision-making by the Stallions captain was that he had Ketamined-up during the drinks break, having considered the floccinaucinihilipilification of his predicament, and was dozing in the paddock.
Ultimately, DCC won at a canter with six overs and four wickets to spare and knew that if they took down one of the planet’s most docile mammals, the Wombats, they would be in the final. The Stallions departed for the stables with their tails (despite having spend 40+ ball in the middle, Brian was none-the-wiser…) between their legs. A happy DCC team departed for home with the promise of more horse play and the rasping tones of Tina Turner’s early-90’s classic ‘(Simply) The Best’ ringing in their ears.
Given the eventual ease with which DCC took down the Stallions, it would be disappointing if the culling of a lowly Australian marsupial were not realised next week.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
On a chilly but pleasant evening DCC faced ABB at the ICC. Jono skippered, lost the toss & was put into bat. Jono & Tom De B opened & scored freely for the first few overs, Tom falling to a doubtful lbw decision for 28. In came Blickies & was immediately given out first ball lbw to the same bowler in similar fashion. Next up was Brad & employed his much maligned accumulative style, scoring freely, albeit 1s & 2s. Jono fell soon after for a healthy 44. Chris Neal contributed with a nice 24, as did Andrew Kirk (8), Tom Drummond (10), Abel (7) & Nick (3no), Brad finishing up being run out on 35 being the backbone of the innings. Innings total – 176 off 22 overs, seemed sub-par at the time, non-the-less defendable.
Opening the bowling was Nick (5o, 0w, 29r) & Jules (5o, 1w, 28r) with some good, tight, clinical fast bowling, restricting the opposition big hitters to the occasional loose shot. This was followed up by Blickies (4o, 2w, 21r) with much of the same, the opposition unable to get much away, seemingly unable to get their timing right. Next up was Rich (4o, 3w, 25r), Darjeeling’s leading exponent of the art of “shit gets wickets”, keen to make amends for last week’s nightmare, sprayed the ball around a bit until he dished up some dollies for the miss-timing batsmen to find “bucket-hands” Drummond in the deep. Valuable contributions to the bowling were made towards the end by Chris Neal (2o, 1w, 9r) & Andrew Kirk (2o, 2w, 16r).
In summary, DCC won by about 25 runs because I can’t read the score book. A polished & satisfying all round performance to keep the unbeaten run going for another week. Honorary mention to Jono for his professional captaincy.
Abandon hope all Ye who enter here………………….
Pirates don’t do Valentines aarrrrrrrrr they do Cricket arrrgg.
So the 11 lost souls forever condemned to Captain Davey Jones locker, decided to play the land lubber game of cricket avast.
By virtue of elimination Gul dog selected J.Dot to captn said team of scurvy dogs, hence fore he shall be known as Captain Hook, for his love of the short ball arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (more on that later).
The opposition was late by process their cur dog of a Captain could not use his sextant and arrived late, some form of land device known as email was used as an excuse, but we made them have a choice of field or be keelhauled. They chose the former and Captain Hook armed his sailers with wooden swords known as bats. Avast ye sea scum, batten down the hatches as we will let loose Bilge Boy Blikkes to plunder and pillage the bowling attack!
Accompanying Bilge Boy was Brad “the Glacier” Wissink know for his exploits with Romanian Gypsies, Glacier is not deferring to his Ice cool temperament but his strike rate in said T20. So haul up the sails and make hast me lads as it gets stormy. Bilge Boy wielded his sword and took the Eagles to task, but was cheated of his wicket by ricochet from the keepers armour and was stumped for a quick 21 off 16, back to swabbing the deck for you Bilge Boy.
Meanwhile the Glacier was ebbing forward and steadily ensuring the scoreboard ticked over, Chris “Cut Throat” Neal joined the Glacier and started well until the natives captured him with the old playing back to a spinner ploy, bowled he was and for his crimes he was banished to the brig to think on his crimes, I ordered the cat o nine tails but a mutiny called for few lashings only. Jamie “Cabin Boy” then upped the rate with a few lusty blows, and some cricket shots as well. However he let his Captain down by committing Hari Kari the Japanese pirate suicide. Run out for 29 off 18. The Glacier kept advancing, the ice age cometh……
The ship was listing badly now, and it was inevitable that she would go down to Davy Jones locker with all crew aboard. Able seaman “Able”, chipped in with 10 bowled, by a sea urchin, and the Glacier was the bizarrely stumped after he ran from his crease after the keeper managed to finally keep a ball in his Krakken arms, this surprised the Glacier so much he went looking for mermaids somewhere about mid pitch and the krakken removed the bails, thus ending the ice age.
Still his 45 from 49 kept us afloat whilst others were floundering in the deeps. Arrrrrrrrr Avast ye.
This left 13 balls for Captain Hook to do something, hooking wasn’t it and he has his capstan removed trying to cut (the head off) a straighter delivery. So we rounded the cape of good hope and the Saffa’s joined with Viv “the Gentleman” Botha making a cameo 7 off 3 and Brian “Bosun” Williams not out on 8 with Tim “Tall Timber” Davy not out dead eye’s 0. So the good ship Darjeeling ran around for 156 off 20 and no treasure in sight, avast the wretched albatross of bad fortune!
As all good captains do, I rounded on the crew and blamed them, I also flogged them mercilessly and removed rum privileges. At the same time I looked at the stores and decided to open up with the big guns on deck. Unfortunately Greg “The Deserter” had deserted, we will find you and keelhaul you deserter.
The map to the rest of this story is missing just like our treasure, the scurvy dogs destroyed the evidence and we only have anecdotal tales of whoa and despair.
The Gentleman lived up to his name being very nice to almost blast the opposition out of the water with his big guns firing twin salvo’s arrrrrrrrrrrrr 2/21 from 4 ye scurvy lad, Cut Throat taking 2 behind point. Gul Dog bowled like a busted arse, and needed to have a rest on a desert island, after going for more than required, 0/26 from 3.
Krishna “Hare Rama” used all 6 of his arms to deceive the Eagles, but his navigation was off at times, leading to a 2/26 from 3, though I swear arrrrrrrr with a few more months at sea he will improve. Bosun was bowling well, using some sort of sling to catapult the ball down the wicket, when tragedy struck and he jammed his finger in the mechanism and had to have it amputated, at the elbow. bowling figures lost at sea.
Tall Timber was useful but one of the opposition took a liking to his offerings in his last over, again poor record keeping has left us with no answer to is he any good, he’s tall and offered the capt that he had a 4th in him.
I disagreed and sent him to the briny depths (third man).
Bilge Boy was asked to plunder some more and obliged even without a snickers, death bowling is his forte and he deliver some fatal blows as sharks sensed blood in the waters, and a feeding frenzy started. 2/million off 4
Capt Hook rolled his hook down at the death as well, had his wooden leg break on the second ball, and could then only bowl off 3 steps, Still entertaining and less runs than Cut throat…………arrrrrrrrrrrr
This left us with Cut Throat and 21 req, dishing up a compass wide first ball he tempted the gods with the reducing target, next ball despatched to the boundary and it was suddenly all on, a 2 from the next ball leaving them with 14 req off 3, thanks Cut Throat…….still a third run out ensured victory for HMS Darjeeling. Arrrrrr
Other highlights, Jamie “Cabin Boy” slipping like bambi on ice due to no spikes,green grass and dew, he actually winded himself once……….Roger the cabin boy would be more useful arrrrrrr.
Viv the Gentleman also almost killing himself on the boundary trying to stop a ball.
The 3 way fake run out, 1 take shot at stumps with no one at the stumps miss by a nautical miles, 2 wait for batsman to try to steal a second run, 3 have the fielder who backed up the 1st throw hit stumps, Pirate win.
The hit it back to the bowler run out, 1 hit slow full toss straight back to bowler, 2 have the non striker batsman run the entire length of pitch, 3 easiest run outs ever.
Cameo appearance, Danny “Shoeless” Rees, fielded for 3 overs when the Bosun went for amputation.
So despite running aground on the rocks HMS Darjeeling was re-floated and plundered all and sundry, with wenches kidnapped for good measure and rum rations restored for all……..
10am – I woke up with a sense of anticipation. Was it because it was Valentine’s Day? Or perhaps I thought England might surprise everyone by beating the Aussies at the MCG? Nope, it was the world renowned Master Chef cook off taking place in the afternoon at the Dubai International Marine Club. I rolled out of bed with a rather strange looking women next me, could it be that on V Day I had finally found the love of my life? I dragged myself downstairs to see the Aussies absolutely smashing England in the cricket much to Kym’s amusement. It was while I watched yet another embarrassing English performance in Australia that I pondered asking the all-important question to my date. ‘Did we meet in Societe or Rock Bottom?’ Alas love can wait another day. Now onto the cooking competition…
12pm – Darjeeling were skippered by Nick Harvey with a supporting cast of Kym Harris, Andrew ‘Chef’ Mathews and Jon Houghton. We decided to meet early in Barasti in order to discuss cooking tactics. How could Kym, Nick and I look busy while our very own Chef prepared the meal? The first order of the day was the make sure we didn’t call Andrew by his nickname, especially in front of our nemesis – The Loose Cannons. If he were to be asked what his profession is he would simply reply with ‘I’m a car salesman and left arm pie chucker’.
2pm – We arrived at the scene of Darjeeling’s biggest challenge yet and after seeing what foods we would have to use Chef quietly tapped Nick on the shoulder…’We’ll win this.’ It was on. Having agreed upon the batting order, our role was simply to give as much of the strike to Chef.
2.40pm – Chef took the lead cutting and marinating the steak with Nick ferociously chopping away while Kym and I stood by the BBQ discussing how to grill the perfect pepper (And asking Chef every two minutes if they were ready). To liven things up a bit I walked over to the Cannons’ cooking station and began recounting THAT infamous Sting night in Abu Dhabi, this obviously had an impact on Moxey’s concentration as he overcooked his steak. Darjeeling 1 Cannons 0. At this point my team mates called me back as I was tasked with the very important job of adding pepper onto our peppers, an easy task some might think but this was the make or break point of the competition so the pressure was on…As I tried applying the pepper disaster struck and I broke the shaker and covered our peppers with an entire bottle of corn pepper. Never has the caption of ‘You had one job’ applied more appropriately.
3.20pm – The meals were cooked and ready to be judged. As we eagerly awaited the results, the Judge came back out and announced that our very own Darjeeling Cricket Club had won and qualified for the Final! (Winning a brand new Weber BBQ in the process). We had finally extracted revenge on the Cannons for all those one sided games we have recently had against them. After taking a couple more parting shots at them we retired to the bar waiting for our 5.30pm final. Round 1 Man of the Match was Chef for a well-paced ton with invaluable contributions from Kym, Nick and I.
5.30pm – Pissed. The final began with some of Darjeeling’s team members looking a little worse for wear. The ‘secret’ ingredients for the final were a Lamb shank, sweet potato and various fruits. After a five minute board meeting where Nick made numerous suggestions to Chef about what we should make, we unanimously agreed we would listen to what Chef said and follow his orders. As I don’t remember much of the next 40 minutes I’ll cut to the result. We lost to a team of Emirati men & women as we had apparently added too much salt and garlic…If only I was tasked with adding pepper again…Net result – Chef got a first baller and the game was as good as done after that. His hotel will be getting a letter from me complaining about his excessive use of garlic!
6.15pm – A very enjoyable day with excellent support from Kym’s mum, Chef’s missus and non-other than Olly Higgens (When the F@%k are you back playing cricket?!). A great way to spend a Saturday afternoon with beverages, friends, laughs and pepper. As always thanks to Nick for organising it and Chef for winning us a free BBQ!
After winning the toss and choosing to bat, DCC made a terrific start with both Nathan and Jono scoring freely in the powerplay. With the loss of Nathan (for a breezy 30) and the field spread for the slower bowlers the scoring slowed slightly in the middle overs. Jono and Dannie picked up ones and twos until an over of 22 broke the shackles.
When Dannie was finally out ( his final score being 32 for 5), it was left to Jono and the middle order (Ben/Raj) to see DCC to a very competitive score of 174 of which Jono’s contribution was a fine 76.
In reply Omnicom were never really in with a shout. Dave and Rich opened the bowling and both picked up early wickets. All the bowlers were backed up well in the field with some excellent ground fielding and an enthusiastic keeper who picked up a couple of stumpings.
With Gully and myself brought on to relieve the openers, the required rate continued to climb with wickets falling at regular intervals. There were a few lusty blows which never threatened the Darjeeling win and Raj mopped up with 4 wickets. He narrowly missed out on a hatrick with a fine display of controlled, accurate bowling.
The game was finished in style with an excellent diving catch from Jamie and we were able to enjoy a slightly earlier beverage due to finishing the bout within the distance.
Another enjoyable victory. A lovely way to spend a beautiful afternoon .
Greetings all from your jolly tall safa
As I sat very early indeed at the Icc admiring its brilliant facilities my wife mentioned to me that it was already 13h10 and the game is starting at 13h30 (according to my brilliant email reading) I started feeling a little drop of sweat brewing on my forehead… Had I got it all wrong are we playing at the 7s??? I did a quick 100m dash to the reception which resulted in me almost rupturing my spleen and had a quick chat with the receptionist ( and I did not swear I promise ) and he took 1 look at me and said yes Darjeeling are playing at 2pm, well I was relieved.
Now onto cricket, Captain Mike Tyson (Jono) still rushing with adrenalin from his 12 rounds in the ring with a lad the night before LOST the toss and we were put into field. Greg Moses opened the attack and bowled with some fire and aggression and was unlucky not to take a wicket but finished with 3-0-11. From the other end Viv had a go and bowled with the slightest amount of aggression and was quite polite in complimenting the batsmen on how he has the ability to play such unorthodox cricket strokes… ( well thats how I remembered it at least ) 4-1-28 good catch from Krish at covers. Blikkies then came into the attack with the drip still attached from the hospital and bowled a tight first over then the fever from his ebola took charge in the second and he fetched a straight drive 6 finishing with 2-0-15. Kesby the aussie spin destroyer bowled with some fine turn and restricted the hackers ending with 4-2-26, Sir Ash bowled a fine spell bamboozeling the batsmen ripping through them with brilliant figures of 3.5-3-27. Krish had the luck of the Irish with him and as they say s#%t takes wickets and he proceeded to take 2 quick wickets off full tosses and one which went down leg and got hit straight to Kesby at short fine leg however wickets are wickets. So the Hackers aka hard hitters were restricted by good bowling and brilliant fielding ( as there were only 2 drop catches which I think is a new record for DCC, jolly good show lads ) for a mere 128 all out in the 19th over.
Captain Jono Tyson opened the batting with a rather pale looking Blikkies, the fever got the better of him and he perished without troubling the scorers and just made it off the pitch where he rolled over and proceeded to almost cough up a lung ( get well soon mate ). In came Greg Moses who got a peach of a nut and got bowled for a uncharacteristic 6. Brad came in at 4 and batted around captain Jono who batted wonderfully and they put on a decent partnership until Jono took revenge on Brad for running him out when he was 16 years old hitting it onto the bowlers foot which hit the stumps at the other end running Brad out for a hard fought 15. Jono however began to re-enact his previous night and started to slap the bowlers to all corners of the ground. Chris at square leg called a no ball as Hitters “spinner” chucked one which resulted in their Captain dropping his lip and walking off the field. We needed a diplomatic person here to save the day and none so other than the Cool headed Tall safa Viv to offer his skills at square leg and so the game continued. Jamie batting with some fine timing of the ball ticked the score board over until Jono decided to get bowled with a fine knock of 81 thus bringing Kirky to the crease who eased the last 3 runs needed off 2 balls. Jamie finishing on 11 not out. DCC winning by 7 wickets. Some shook hands afterwards most went sulking off but we had a good laugh in the change rooms with some beverages and ended up at the Els club for a few pints!
Ps… beware of the hand dryer in the ICC changeroom its the spawn of Satan….
Cheers
Viv ( the polite bowler )
Here is the very kind email that was received by Chris Dommett and Nick Harvey, the catalysts behind DCC’s fundraising efforts in memory of Simon Fowler
Dear Chris and fellow members of the Darjeeling Cricket Club,
On behalf of Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF), it is with our deepest gratitude that we accept a gift of AED 104,000 from the Darjeeling Cricket Club in honour of the late Simon Fowler.
We are honoured that Mrs. Fowler and the Darjeeling Cricket Club members chose to dedicate the 24 hour cricket marathon to MSF’s international medical humanitarian response. Simon was a generous and loyal friend of MSF. During his lifetime, he thought of people around the world who had been affected by conflict, natural disasters, and epidemics; he used his passions, like music and cricket, to act as a catalyst with MSF to help those who need it most, like refugees fleeing the crisis in Syria, the thousands affected by the earthquake in Haiti, and children plagued by malnourishment in Niger.
Simon’s support was a message of solidarity and hope that continues with his legacy, thanks to the Darjeeling Cricket Club.
It is because of supporters like Simon that MSF was able to respond immediately to the Ebola crisis in West Africa. And it is because of supporters like the Darjeeling Cricket Club who have carried on his legacy that MSF has been able to see 2,195 Ebola patients survive. Your collective support has had a tremendous impact on MSF’s response to Ebola, translating into sending 24 doctors to West Africa to treat patients on the frontlines of the crisis.
On behalf of MSF’s field staff, and more importantly, our patients – thank you. We could not do this work without you.
With gratitude,
Mohamed Bali,
Executive Director
MSF UAE
Doctors Without Borders / Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) \ أطباء بلا حدود
There’s a certain glow one feels when you arrive at the ground for the Darjeeling inter-club Christmas match and the smiles that greet you are both friendly and warm. But, if you look closely you can detect a hint of something else. As a child you’d share that smile with your friend just as you agreed to bunk off school; as a teenager, before you were about to get laid; a smile that promises tomfoolery to come with a soupçon of vice……………….nice.
Stark differences were apparent on meeting the two skippers of the day. The Southern hemisphere skipper, Greg Moses looked stoic and fit (now that he can bench press his own body weight); Gary (True Grit) Turner on the other hand appeared at best grim and at worst like death after five seconds in the microwave (now that his two day marathon drinking session was over). Imagine therefore, Gary’s glee of learning that our little warm-up session was to be a 100 metre dash across the pitch at the team briefing………but did baulk at the idea? Did he fook! Gary, Turner……..True grit!
A week ago or so, I sent around a mail requesting some of the players’ vital statistics which, I’m sure mildly irritates people (I thank yee all for humouring me), but all bar one was duly returned with some interesting results. For those of you with an occasional fetish for useless information – below a summary of the stats:
- The average age of the squads was 37.5 years old
- Average height, 180cm (5’10¾)
- The average BMI, 29 – which, if the Darjeeling Cricket Club Christmas Club squad were a country
would make us the fattest in the world bar Tonga & Micronesia (well, it is Christmas afterall……!) - Members below 6 feet lie about their height…….Julius, 5’11”? ………per-leeease…!
- The average time we’ve ever run the 100m (from the sensible answers) is 14 seconds
- Our allergies include; pineapple, alcohol, non-alcoholic drinks, virgins (not sure how he found out about that one – would have been fun testing it though), Jagermeister, 4x4s with baby-on-board stickers, pollen, pretentious ar*eholes, Palestinian Bankers, furry dice, penicillin, top quality spin bowlers and a couple of Darjeeling members! (no names of course!)
- The average weight is 94kg (14 stone, 12lb in old money)
The reason for acquiring the statistics was not to set up a dating site (as was suggested) but to set a handicap for our 100 metre sprint across pitch (which I once again miscalculated). So after the team briefing and sweepstake draw we had a little pre-warm up session with Ben Jones’ camp scissor step manoeuvre catching the eye. We lined up in our selected rows with poor young slim Jason Stewart looking to make up 8.5 seconds to the high-handicappers. The young and fit never stood a chance, J Dot cut the ribbon first, Dommett pulled a hamstring and despite my best efforts of pulling him back, I was pipped at the line by Johno (….the shame of it). Coco came up the rear. We then sauntered off to the changing rooms muttering & cursing under our breath between gasps of air.
GT won the toss and elected to bat, opening with Cockcrusher (Coco) and the Beast (Badger).
It being Christmas and Darjeeling having a penchant for playing silly-buggers, all batsmen took a swig of good-ol-Jagermeister before striding out and for all bowlers (and returning batsmen), a jager-jelly was dished out by the umpire complete with freezer bag over their shoulder.
Neither stuck around for long despite Etienne’s purposeful drop off Coco’s skied leading edge (he was later heavily-fined). This brought Juggernaut Mooney and the Dominator to the crease with Julius in particular smashing fours to all parts of the ground. Chris, with a knackered hammy, was less enthusiastic between the wickets than his usual scampering-self. Chris Bridle was half way out to the square to act as runner before (you’ll never guess) Badger came bounding on to act as Chris’ legs (apparently, he wanted to get in the game…!). Chris was visibly distressed/amused (delete as appropriate).
All in all, the North had three retirements (as we were playing Taverners’ rules); Julius, Dommett & Me). There was a couple of memorable moments that exemplified/tested the ‘spirit-of-the-game’ Firstly, Julius claiming and GT awarding five penalty runs after Gully’s delivery was hit by Chris on to his cap lying behind/near the stumps and secondly, me being recalled by Greg and others after being giving out by Coco LBW some way out of his crease. Indeed, the exuded body language of the South at half time as they strode off avoiding eye contact and the offering of water was akin to that of the Australian’s during the Bodyline series against Jardine’s England (well similar to that from that series that was on the telly anyway).
Rich Hallows, Lee Dawson and Julius (on his second innings) all chipped in, but the total of 158 after the North’s 22 overs always looked 30 runs short. The South had three notable bowlers to speak of namely (Velvety) Etienne (3 overs, one wicket for 10 runs), Jason Stewart (3 overs for 14) and Jason (Breathless) Brown (3 overs, three for 14)….well bowled Gentlemen.
The Southern Hemisphere opened with (Sensitive) CD & Nathan (Caring) Cartright and for a while it looked they were making a game of it. They scrapped and scrabbled about and were just 20 odd after 6 overs. Chris Bridle (great to have you back in the squad by the way) forgot he was playing cricket as he chested one down from CD’s miscued drive (both umpires heard the distinct drumming sound of leather on ribcage). CD eventually found himself (to be joining many others) in Badger’s famous hutch as Nathan fell to……err someone else…?
Potty, usually effective, failed to impress and one Mr. Nick Lloyd was less than impressed after being run out cheaply. When cordially reminded of his duty to take his obligatory jager jelly whilst marching off, was heard to retort “well f**king bring it here then…!” (ooooo-oooo!).
Andrew Kirk, managed to better his previous Darjeeling batting effort (by facing a ball) and just made it to double figures
but was dismissed before reaching twenty.
The winner of the sprint, Mr. Breathless Brown was next to the crease and from the minute he took his jelly and guard, looked purposeful and determined to make his twenty and retire. Joined by Ben Jones, the big guns had definitely arrived. In reply, True Grit whipped out his cock-crushing secret-weapon and Ms. Caroline Toussaint was thrown the ball. Twenty minutes later, both Big Guns were back in the paddock, both falling victim to Coco’s charms in spectacular fashion. Firstly, Ben, playing forward was bowled with Coco getting the best of his length and secondly, Jason, honey-trapped in as he smashed Coco (Jason’s length, definitely shorter than Bens’) in to the deep only to pick our Richard Hallows with laser-point-accuracy. Both J Dot and Richard wore the same “WTF??” expression (both in total disbelief…..for different reasons). But in the end Mr. Brown had to go and take his goodbye jaeger-bomb.
Next in was the South’s skipper, Mr Greg Moses who’d been swaggering around all day with his chin raised more above horizontal than Agmal’s arm is bent. He marched to the crease and took very little time in stamping his authority on the game with True Grit falling prey to a very brief but very brutal onslaught (with Greg’s 20 coming in just 7 balls). The North lost 22 runs in that over and the tide had tipped. In short, the South’s tail didn’t merely wag but beat the North’s bowlers to all corners. Etienne, too finding the middle made his retirement runs thereby, bringing Kymbo & Gully (10 & 11) to the crease.
True Grit looked deep into his arsenal and brought Coco back into the attack with Badger chirping away to Gully about being dismissed by the fairer sex. Gully’s reply was to play a beautiful slog sweep off one knee from a Miss Toussaint full toss that looked to be heading straight to the awaiting Badger at deep backward square leg. There are two-sides to every story and I think it’s only fair to share both.
Badger: “…it flew well over my head and miles over the boundary”
The Entire Southern Hemisphere: “…it went through your hands mate”
Personally, I believe Badger.
That shot did, however, make the run chase far simpler with both Gully and Kym finding the boundary fence. With two and a half overs to go Gully was dismissed (for the second time that over) which brought back Mr. Moses and the game was all but lost. There was a bit of hand-bagging round the boundary and on the pitch over bowlers and batsmen not used (I felt …….it was just the right amount of animosity) as the last few deliveries were bowled. But with the winning runs hit hands were firmly shaken and bums warmly slapped as we headed off to the changing room to read out the book and the fines.
Sugee won AED 400 on the sweepstake for pulling out Breathless Brown and I wish I could remember more about the fines (duly punished Vodka and yet more Jager shots) of which some were brilliant. Afterwards, I think all bar two or three then headed to the Els club for dinner and the promise of AED10 drinks. A great session was had including a revival of obscure Darjeeling XI’s – this time we had the Psychologists’ XI (as, in those of need of seeing one). I believe it was Ben Jones that picked up on a running theme, i.e. that the majority were South African (and all agreed most were decent players….!). Perhaps, a new question to be added to the membership questionnaire?
On a personal note, congratulations to the South (again) on winning the match and thank you to everyone for being such a good sport and making it such a memorable day (and night).