Darjeeling v Wombats Fri 2nd October ICC – Written by the Overseas Correspondent for the Weekly Bullshit, Colin Walters.

In the Test Match Special Radio commentary box are several well-known cricket commentators

“Welcome everyone! Richie Benaud (much missed) here in the box and It’s a lovely day at the ICC, the sun is shining not a cloud to be seen”

Tony Greig (not so much missed) -“ Richie you f**kwit we’re in Dubai, there’s never an f’n cloud in the sky!”

Darjeeling skipper Ben Jones won the toss and elected to bat

Henry Blofield… “ my dear old thing, that’s hardly surprising, it’s awfully warm out there!”

From the off Pete Kesby (30) caressed the ball to all parts including rather too well to mid-off causing Potty to be run out from a direct hit.

Richie now joined in the box by (wish he bloody would go missing) Geoffrey Boycott… “ trifle unlucky there I thought Geoffrey?”

Geoffrey… “bloody stupid!” My granny could have turned and got back quicker than that!”

An over or so later Kesby played a shot of such magnificence that David Gower would have creamed himself.

Blowers … “He’s batting like a millionaire… oh dear … hope I haven’t jinxed him… Ashiq comes into bowl its short, he cuts and oh dear…he’s out, caught at cover at the second attempt”

Geoffrey… “ that’s just bloody roobbish is that! My mum would have sent that to Abu Dhabi with a stick of Rhubarb!”

Glenn McGrath (yes we had the delights of old 5-0 himself in the radio test match special box this year) “Shut the fack up Boycott you old fart. You couldn’t hit a fackin football with your bat!” at this point a fight breaks out (though Geoffrey normally only hits his female partner) and Boycs is arrested resulting in TMS temporarily taken off air!

After the loss of 2 early wickets order was restored by Jacques (30) and Shugi (30 and a few)who batted brilliantly, running well between the wickets and dispatching every bad ball (there were a few) to the boundary.

At drinks, Darjeeling had smashed their way to 100ish for 2 (or something like that as its quite difficult to tell from the scorebook). After the much needed drinks break with skipper Jones urging his men on to greater things, play resumed…

4 balls later Darjeeling were 2 further wickets down…

Jaques bowled off his elbow… TMS back on air

Richie … “trifle unlucky there I thought?”

Very much adored if a bit clichéd Lancastrian, David “Bumble Lloyd… “that’s gotta hurt!”.

1 ball later…

Richie… “Masood, he’s a bit quicker through the air than you think, bowls, big shout, looks pretty straight to me… and he’s given him”.

Glenn covered in bruises from Geoffrey assaulting him earlier… “Looked fackin plumb to me! What the hell did they put in the fackin drinks?”

So a rescue act was called for and Darjeeling had just the man to do it, Saffer Viv (47 not out) and boy was it some rescue.

Tony … “This boy can smash it f’n miles” and so he did including one straight six that nearly killed a man in Sharjah.

Henry “He hit that one like a kicking horse, jolly good shot”.

In company with Shugi initially then with Jules (16 not out), Viv’s pyrotechnics got Darjeeling up to a more than competitive 172 for 5 off their 20 overs. Strangely on Shugi’s dismissal the match umpire limped off to get some pads on…

Much missed by all Yorkshiremen and pipe smokers Fred Trueman… “I just don’t know what’s going off ‘ere, I’ve never seen the like?” Fortunately the umpire was not required to sally forth to the wicket

Richie… “So Danish (Kaneiria) how do you think this one will go”

Danish… “Certain win for Wombats, I told the umpire exactly how many wides to give and which balls and”…. Short silence…” I think I just gave the game away didn’t I Richie?” Two men with handcuffs appear in the box to take Danish away!

The Wombats innings began with Viv opening from the football pitches end.

Glenn… “He’s fackin quick this bloke. If the Wombats opener got any closer to the square leg umpire he’d be taking one up the rear from him”

Blowers… “Yes indeed Glenn old boy, he bowls like the wind. Would you like another piece of chocolate cake?”

Geoffrey now out on bail… “Yea good idea, that’ll shut the stupid Aussie up will cake!” He’s not quick, now that Lillee and Thompson they were quick!”

Richie.. “ er Geoffrey… Didn’t you retire for a while when they were at their peak?” There is silence in the box …

And indeed Viv was fackin quick. Quickest thing this correspondent has seen for a while at club level. Even Omar, a fine player who has put Darjeeling to the sword on more than one occasion looked a trifle nervous. Viv and Shugi, slightly quicker than slow left arm, strangled the Wombats innings at birth. Although there were no early wickets, there weren’t many early runs either Viv going for just 5 off his 2 overs. Shugi was particularly unlucky having three chances missed including two in consecutive balls. Viv nearly getting a wicket from Jacques attempt at clawing in a full blooded hook shot from Omar

Richie.. “that was a trifle unfortunate for the bowler there..”

Tony.. “Well that’s a disaster! I just hope it doesn’t come back to haunt them… When you’ve got these boys down you’ve got to make them grovel!”

Jules was introduced into the attack and in his first over strayed a bit in line to allow the shackles to be released with 3 leg side 4’s but soon regained control in partnership with Krish who apart from a couple of wides found a lovely rhythm at a decent pace. At drinks despite no wickets down the Australian marsupials were miles behind the asking rate.

Bumble… “Bit of scoreboard pressure out there now ‘Enry?”

Blowers… “My dear old thing I do wish you’d stop talking exclusively in clichés but I know what you mean.”

Drinks worked their usual magic and in the first over after Jules induced the opener with an unpronounceable name to sky one to via his shoulder and head to Potty behind so at last a breakthrough.

Bumble.. “ that’s got to hurt!” Blowers… “ Oh for f***s sake Bumble, no more clichés!”

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