THARG THE MIGHTY ONE SPEAKS – 22 March 2014 – words by Andrew "Tavare" Laing

Galactic Greetings Earthlets! From the heart of the Galaxy it is I, Tharg the Mighty, who has travelled many light years to bring you this week’s match report. Engage your circuits and prepare for sensory overload… 

In Megacity One surrounded by the barren wastelands of the Accursed Land we were visited by the crew of the H.M.S. Somerset from the Royal Navy of Megacity Two on a tour of our polluted waters. These galactic sailors had the temerity to challenge the local lawmakers of this Ville, the Darjeeling chapter of the Judges (enforcers of the cricketing law in a lawless place).

Led by Chief Judge Turner, the Darjeeling Judges were well prepared for the day. According to the scorer droids this meant most had hangovers the size of a Rigellian Pachyderm and the vile moods to match. The Darjeeling innings started with Thrillpower at maximum setting with Judges Rees and De Boinville taking a harsh toll on the sailors who clearly regretted their decision to allow Chief Judge Turner to invoke Darjeeling Rule 1 (Darjeeling shall bat first). But as all citizens of Megacity One know, a Judge’s word is THE LAW and the sailors had no choice but to comply or face a lengthy sentence as Judge Brown’s personal underwear fitter & repairer (a fate no sane citizen would wish to endure). The ball flew to all parts of the ground and Judge de Bonneville retired first on a blistering 51 (8 x 4’s and 1 x 6). Judge Rees retired soon after with an equally enterprising 52 (7 x 4 and 1 x 6) and the score was 111 after but 7 overs! Our latest Judge to join the squad, Judge Blikkies come in at Number 3 and played respectably until shown the way to the change room, given out LBW for 6 (with 1 x 4).  The bowler was nearly as surprised at the decision as Judge Blikkies. Not for nothing do they call me Tharg the Trigger Finger…

Judges Brown and Houghton coming in at 4 and 5 were distraught that Darjeeling Rule 2 (Judges Brown and Houghton shall open the batting) was not invoked and proceeding to nurdle around in a Tavare-esque style compiling 12 (2 x 4’s) and 19 (2 x 4’s) respectively. Judge Weir then came in and hit a well timed 26 Not out (3 x 4’s and a wholly run 5!) and Judge Neal (the Silent Assassin) added 6 Not Out (1 x 4). Fortunately the H.M.S. Somerset bowlers were contributing to the scoreboard even faster than our Judges best efforts and by the end of the game Extras was highest score on 69 and the total was 241 after 20 overs.

The H.M.S. Somerset innings had a slow start and a rather bizarre run out put a smile on even the toughest Judge’s dial (Judge Houghton lurking at short fine leg had decided to only throw with his left arm to make things more interesting). Judge Gully decided to lighten things up even more by bowling a few full tosses which were duly dispatched for four before bowling the other opener. Judge Gully ended with figures of 4 overs (1 Maiden) 1 for 25. The other opening bowler was Judge Brown who bowled two tight overs taking 0 for 4. It would seem that it was not only the H.M.S. Somerset bowlers but also their scorer droids who had their circuits fried by the heat of Megacity One. Judge Brown was recorded for posterity in the score tech log as “Wanker!!”. This unwise act of imprudence has been recorded in Judge Brown’s personal tech log and the scorer droids home locations have been duly noted for when the next Betelgeussian Invasion Armada reaches this lowly planet.

Then Chief Judge Turner had a sudden attack of brain freeze (probably due to injuries suffered in the 2013 Battle of Sharjah) and threw the ball to Judge de Boinville who gave a spectacular display of pure bowling drekk – 0 for 39 off a very painful two overs (but they felt a lot longer)! Truly we had not seen this much pure filth since Judge Houghton and Brown’s recounting of their previous night’s encounter with the mutant womenfolk of Barnasti and Rock Bottom. This gave a kick start to the H.M.S. Somerset numbers 3 and 4 who both made well played 40’s. Judge Neal (1 for 17 off 2 overs), Judge Houghton (0 for 18 off 2 overs), Judge Blikkies (0 for 10 off 2 overs) and Judge Weir (0 for 16 off 2 overs) all played their part in recovering from the de Boinville implosion.

Chief Judge Turner in desperation finally bought himself on.  He bowled with a mixture of guile and sneakiness and apart from fluffing the easiest Caught and Bowled chance this Millennium, did an admirable job taking 4 wickets for 22 runs off 4 overs. Fortunately our camera droid was on hand to capture Chief Judge Turner’s expression when he dropped his catch…

After that the power of the Judges was just too much and the sailors ended up on 159 for 7 off their 20 overs. A win for the Darjeeling Judges of 82 runs. 

The sailors introduced us to their strange Megacity Two customs which included the awarding of a Dick of the Match. They gave their Dick of the Match to their opening batsman who was ingloriously run out for zero and who had also decided to wear a thigh guard as a stomach protector. Darjeeling had a long, deliberate voting process and Judge Rees was adjudged the Darjeeling Dick of the Match. And so it came to pass that a challenge was held as to who was the Dick of the Galaxy. A Rigellian Hotshot down-down race was held, which Judge Rees won in spectacular fashion (not a bad performance for an Earthlet) and the sailors were suitably humiliated again by the power of the Judges.

After seeing the sailors safely off to their transporter, the Judges retired to the Arabian Ranches Golf Club for further imbibing of Rigellian Hotshots and a discussion on the relative merits of using the Lawgiver pistol or the CA Plus 8000 bat from AJ Sports as crowd control tools for Sharjah games.  

Farewell until next week (when the rematch takes place in Sharjah), or as we aliens say, Splundig vur Thrigg! 



Friday 7th March vs Sri Lankan Dubai CC‏ – words by Liam Joyce

The afternoon started off with a strange sensation, with me reaching Sharjah, on time, and on my own accord and without the scenic tour of the local attractions. The opposition were on time and wearing whites another strange sensation from the last couple of weeks. Soon after this normality was resumed as Ash sweet talked their captain out of a toss, invoking the Darjeeling “we bat first rule”. I make it sound easy but at one point a coin even came out, driving Ash into the sympathetic “we always bat first, and don’t worry we are just here to enjoy ourselves and if we hit it we will walk”. And it wasn’t too soon till our first batsman walked/hobbled/fancied a savannah. It was a dubious pre game “hamstring injury”  but I suppose without jDOTbrown any where to be seen we needed someone’s injury to talk about. So Andrew walked for 7. Israr was next to come in, and within minutes had ummed and arred a little too long over an “easy three” and ran himself out for 3. The last time he was in a similar situation he was “umming and arring” over a  solid 6 and Badgers housemate jumped in and stole the glory at the annual dinner – Malcolm Gladwells Blink is on order Israr.

In the mean time Chris D was making some strong strides at the crease and partnered well with first Brad and then Greg before getting out for 47 of 42 with Brad getting 12.  Greg steadied the ship with a couple of 6’s and some warm words with anyone smaller than him, so the full 11 which could explain the slight over celebration by the oppo of his wicket as his self proclaimed “most frustrating innings of his life” came to an end for 34.  Nathan “crease hogger” saw the innings out making both Etiene and then Ash keep their pulses up with 22 yard intervals., normally in multiples unless it was the end of the over. A good finish with NCH on 33 off 22 and Ash 2 both not out. Darjeeling were 174 for 5 after 25.

I had heard rumours we had a sub, and after a quick search around the grounds snoring was heard coming from one of the school buildings. Soon after Mohit was dug out from his first sleep in 30 hours and thrown into the field leaving the injured Andrew to umpire.

It was a surreal and dream start for Darjeeling with Israr pitching the first ball up and getting a thick edge straight up in the air which they decided to run, leaving Chris D an easy run out. Where the next couple overs from both Greg and Israr were slow in runs and wickets , manly due to a dropped catch from Liam, they made up for it in line length and pace.  Greg had their one batsman looking like he was playing on a Wii as he tried to chase the ball around the crease. Greg finally got a plum LBW and finished up with 5 overs 4 runs 1 wicket with Isr no wickets for 23 off 5.

Etienne and the HASS were on next and needled into their batting attack with them both giving the Sri Lankans the opportunity to get back into the game by getting hit around the park before Etienne took two quick caught behind wickets.  Although their left hander was handed a number of chances which can only be “put down” to some woeful catching, with the worst probably coming from Liam again, it was have been easier to swallow the ball than drop it.  With them needing a run rate of over 10 an over it was time to bring on our spinners for a bit of temptation, a brave choice with our dropping performance but Ash delivered some corking top spin bouncers to get 4 wickets, including a stumping,  from 2.3 over for very little runs with Neil getting 2 wickets off 3 overs for 22.

It was easy to tell that they had given up as the score book became rather lack lustre towards the end.

Tough one for MoM, some great bowling from both Greg and Ash, and cracking batting from Greg and Nathan, but Chris D’s 47 and great work behind the stumps edges it for me.